Ah, Temptation
I was tempted to go. I was. Very. I could have dropped everything I had planned, run the risk of being late for work, and gone. Then suddenly, I decided no. I wasn't going to allow myself to allow someone to make me jump. Drop everything? My run? Shaving my legs? Being on time for work? That's not what I do. I don't drop everything for someone. Anymore. God knows I used to. They said, 'Jump! I said, 'How high?' Then I changed. For the better, I think.
But dammit, I wanted to. I miss her and would have loved to spend her lunch hour with her. It's all very irrational, how I miss her. The fact is I'm not supposed to. I'm not. I mean maybe after a week or two, but certainly not after less than forty-eight hours. Yet I miss her. Rationally I attribute it to time spent. She and I usually spend every afternoon/evening that I'm off together. In this way, she's become a habit for me and I feel like something is missing when we don't hang out. When that something goes missing, I start missing her. It's all very rational except that it feels so irrational to me. I'm not supposed to miss a woman who is seventeen years my junior, aggravatingly petulant at times, and just a friend. I'm not. I swear it's in the rule book somewhere.
The truth is I'm trying to manage my impulses. I know I shouldn't miss her and I most certainly shouldn't drop everything just because she wants me to. It is what I used to do and I'm certain that it didn't win me any favors. I became the girl, woman, friend, girlfriend who would do anything. When you're willing to do anything, you get asked to do everything, then it becomes expected. At this point, they begin to see you as a mamby-pamby pushover that they can control. It only goes downhill from there. Before long, they tire of the lack of challenge and move on to someone with a little more backbone. So, what starts as a sweet impulse or a nice favor ultimately backfires.
Once again, for the record, I don't want to date her. I don't. I don't. I don't. Sadly, I have to tell myself that quite often. I already feel like I'm becoming her beck-and-call girl, like some sort of twisted platonic girlfriend. This was assuredly my doing. Like I said, jump once, twice, three times a'lady and they begin to count on it. I'm trying to set limits, but... It wouldn't last long if we started dating romantically. She'd get bored and dump me unceremoniously in short order. Hmm... As I think about it, that might not be a bad way to go. At least I'd get laid every once and awhile for my trouble. Plus everything ends eventually anyway. Ha! No. No. No.
I don't like that I miss her like I do and that I can rationalize dating her so easily (in my defense, I haven't had sex since Christmas 2010 and my rationalization was 99.9% about sex), however I do see it as a good sign that I'm still occasionally tempted to drop everything for someone. This means I'm not stone cold, selfish, and completely rational. What good is a rational life? It may be safer, but it's certainly a lot less fun.
Sometimes you just gotta live and living often starts when when you forget plans and rational thought. Of course, as with everything in life, balance is ultimately key. Leave 'em guessing, I say. Give in occasionally. Stay strong occasionally. Temptation isn't as bad as Christians make it out to be. I promise.
But dammit, I wanted to. I miss her and would have loved to spend her lunch hour with her. It's all very irrational, how I miss her. The fact is I'm not supposed to. I'm not. I mean maybe after a week or two, but certainly not after less than forty-eight hours. Yet I miss her. Rationally I attribute it to time spent. She and I usually spend every afternoon/evening that I'm off together. In this way, she's become a habit for me and I feel like something is missing when we don't hang out. When that something goes missing, I start missing her. It's all very rational except that it feels so irrational to me. I'm not supposed to miss a woman who is seventeen years my junior, aggravatingly petulant at times, and just a friend. I'm not. I swear it's in the rule book somewhere.
The truth is I'm trying to manage my impulses. I know I shouldn't miss her and I most certainly shouldn't drop everything just because she wants me to. It is what I used to do and I'm certain that it didn't win me any favors. I became the girl, woman, friend, girlfriend who would do anything. When you're willing to do anything, you get asked to do everything, then it becomes expected. At this point, they begin to see you as a mamby-pamby pushover that they can control. It only goes downhill from there. Before long, they tire of the lack of challenge and move on to someone with a little more backbone. So, what starts as a sweet impulse or a nice favor ultimately backfires.
Once again, for the record, I don't want to date her. I don't. I don't. I don't. Sadly, I have to tell myself that quite often. I already feel like I'm becoming her beck-and-call girl, like some sort of twisted platonic girlfriend. This was assuredly my doing. Like I said, jump once, twice, three times a'lady and they begin to count on it. I'm trying to set limits, but... It wouldn't last long if we started dating romantically. She'd get bored and dump me unceremoniously in short order. Hmm... As I think about it, that might not be a bad way to go. At least I'd get laid every once and awhile for my trouble. Plus everything ends eventually anyway. Ha! No. No. No.
I don't like that I miss her like I do and that I can rationalize dating her so easily (in my defense, I haven't had sex since Christmas 2010 and my rationalization was 99.9% about sex), however I do see it as a good sign that I'm still occasionally tempted to drop everything for someone. This means I'm not stone cold, selfish, and completely rational. What good is a rational life? It may be safer, but it's certainly a lot less fun.
Sometimes you just gotta live and living often starts when when you forget plans and rational thought. Of course, as with everything in life, balance is ultimately key. Leave 'em guessing, I say. Give in occasionally. Stay strong occasionally. Temptation isn't as bad as Christians make it out to be. I promise.
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