Little More Than A Placeholder
There will come a time when she will disappear. Something better will come along. Someone better will come along. Right now I'm a friend and little more than a placeholder. I don't mean that badly. I know my role and I accept my fate. I'm good with it. Good enough, in any case. She isn't the first and won't be the last. Friends come and go, go and come. When she says she'll be different; I laugh to myself. They all say that. I'm sure they think they mean it, but really it's just a mix wishful thinking and immaturity talking.
This has little to do with me and everything to do with them. They are normal. And I am... Well... not. We are supposed to search for that which completes us. The Bible, fairy tales, and Nicholas Sparks tell us this. What they don't tell us is that it's all just a pipe dream. We are all out there searching for something we will never find; someone we will never find. The more we look, the more we suffer. To paraphrase Anne Lamott, 'we can't grown tulips from zucchini seeds'. Likewise, we can't find that which completes us by looking outside ourselves.
This isn't to say that 'happily ever after' isn't possible. It is. If we look within. I am happiest when I allow myself to be the center of my existence. I love my friends, my family, and my co-workers and cherish what they do for me. They make me laugh, keep me company, run along side me, and occasionally give me cool blog topics. However, they will never be 'everything' nor will they ever complete me. Yet, I am assured happiness. Weird.
So yes, eventually she will disappear. Of course so will I. We may go about it differently, but we both will disappear eventually. I'll go within; she'll go without. I'll fall into me; she'll fall into the latest Mr. Right Now. I'll need me; she'll need him. It's similar yet different.
This is why I'm good with being a placeholder. In reality, she's doing the same for me without even knowing it. I could warn her about my inevitable disappearing act, but she'd just say it'll be different this time and I'd laugh to myself. I'm sure she thinks it won't happen, but I know different. I know me. Eventually, I'll have to return within. To peace. To happiness. To me.
This has little to do with me and everything to do with them. They are normal. And I am... Well... not. We are supposed to search for that which completes us. The Bible, fairy tales, and Nicholas Sparks tell us this. What they don't tell us is that it's all just a pipe dream. We are all out there searching for something we will never find; someone we will never find. The more we look, the more we suffer. To paraphrase Anne Lamott, 'we can't grown tulips from zucchini seeds'. Likewise, we can't find that which completes us by looking outside ourselves.
This isn't to say that 'happily ever after' isn't possible. It is. If we look within. I am happiest when I allow myself to be the center of my existence. I love my friends, my family, and my co-workers and cherish what they do for me. They make me laugh, keep me company, run along side me, and occasionally give me cool blog topics. However, they will never be 'everything' nor will they ever complete me. Yet, I am assured happiness. Weird.
So yes, eventually she will disappear. Of course so will I. We may go about it differently, but we both will disappear eventually. I'll go within; she'll go without. I'll fall into me; she'll fall into the latest Mr. Right Now. I'll need me; she'll need him. It's similar yet different.
This is why I'm good with being a placeholder. In reality, she's doing the same for me without even knowing it. I could warn her about my inevitable disappearing act, but she'd just say it'll be different this time and I'd laugh to myself. I'm sure she thinks it won't happen, but I know different. I know me. Eventually, I'll have to return within. To peace. To happiness. To me.
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