Being The Pretty Girl - I'm a Girl, Part 3

'There are worse things than being told you're not pretty enough or not good enough. There's believing it.'

~ Tweeted by Stacee Harris on April 17, 2012

'If you want to be The Pretty Girl, Stacee, you need to do something about it'.

~ Paraphrased memory of a blog comment posted on a blog I wrote in August 2007 entitled 'The Cross I Bear: I'm a Girl, Part 2'

'Not everyone can stand and say what needs to be said, Stacee. Keep standing.'

~ from a text message received in response to the negative flurry of comments splashed around after posting 'I'm a Girl, Part 2'

It all started in the big back room at Zapata's one evening in May 2007. 'Hey, Stacee, move over. I want to sit by The Pretty Girl.' I feigned hurt that night and I still give him crap about it, but to this day I've never truly felt the sting of that comment. I knew what my friend meant. He didn't mean that I was ugly or anything even close. I know what I bring, but I also know with every certainty that however pretty I may be (and I think I'm exceptionally pretty), I will never be The Pretty Girl. I leave that for the traditionally pretty ones, the ones who take more than thirty seconds to do their hair and for whom fashion accessories are a science.

That night back in '07 I moved over. As luck would have it, we both ended up sitting by The Pretty Girl. Much like my friend, I like to sit by Pretty Girls. Incidentally, I also like sitting by pretty girls (lack of caps intended). These are the girls like me - the ones the media ignores or tells us to call ugly. Our hair might be too short or we might be a little overweight or prefer flats over heels. Whatever it is, we have something that makes us different and not different in a classically good way. Because not everyone can fit the stereotype of what the Western media considers beautiful, I prefer to think of us as Non-Traditionally Pretty rather than ugly.

This is why back in August 2007 I wrote a series of two blogs and posted them to my Myspace page - 'I'm a Girl' and it's follow-up 'The Cross I Bear - I'm a Girl, Part 2'. The first was written in response to the gender confusion I faced on a daily basis in women's restrooms in and around Texarkana, USA. Oh, it wasn't my confusion that I was concerned with. No, it was the confusion of the women whose shocked expressions told me that they thought I was in the wrong restroom. Truly in all my years, I've never once found a man in the women's restroom. I suppose there is a first for everything, but if these women would have dared to look beyond their ignorance and my short hair, they wouldn't have been so confused.

I quickly discovered that I was shouting at the wind. I intended the blog to be funny and make a point. Many of my readers didn't think it was funny nor did they get my point. Instead I was told that if I wanted to be seen differently I had to change what people saw. They meant that I HAD TO CHANGE. I was given all kinds of well-meaning suggestions about hair styles, make-up, and fashion accessories. I immediately knew none of that was going to happen.

You see, I didn't believe for even one nano-second that I was the one who needed to change. I knew what had to happen. The world needed to change. Minds needed to be opened. Even if I never reached anyone outside of East Texas, even only one mind was opened, the fight would be worth it. For the first time in my life I decided to stand. I mean really STAND. After a horrible evening in which I was told that the world would never change, I went home and wrote the most important blog I'd ever written. I called it 'The Cross I Bear - I'm a Girl, Part 2'.

In that blog, I put the world on alert. Change was coming and I wasn't going to be the one doing the changing. I spoke of ignorance (Poor word choice, I learned. People in the South don't like to be called 'ignorant'. Ignorant to me meant 'uninformed'. To many of my readers, it meant 'stupid') and the need for a broader definition of what it means to be a woman. It was a call to arms, an invitation to stand.


'It may be hard to believe that being "low maintenance" is part of the core of my being, but it is. It's who I am as much as the color of my skin, my sexuality, and my gender. It's just me. It's Stacee. It's the way I've always been. It's also a part of me I happen to like very, very much. I have lived my life my way. I am truly who I want to be and I'm very proud of that fact. I cannot and will not change myself to accommodate the world.'


'I want to blow up the stereotypes and wash away some of the ignorance. I want to change my little corner of the world. I want to lead by example and I cannot do that if I change myself.'


I didn't exactly get the response I wanted. The comments I received were worse than those I got after posting 'I'm a Girl' and grew increasingly more personal. I was hit viciously from what seemed like every angle. My sexuality, my looks, and the very essence of my being fell under attack. What did I do? I continued to STAND. Some of my strength came from within, but I never could have withstood the pressure without the help of a few open minded individuals. When I'd had enough and wanted to put down my cross, they encouraged me onward. Someone has to stand, Stacee. Someone.

So, battered and bruised I stood. I never once believed what they said about me. If anything their words back-fired and made me believe more whole-heartedly in myself. The 'I'm a Girl' experience taught me a lot about myself and who I wanted to be. A short while later, I chose to make another stand. For the first time since moving to the South four years earlier, I quietly, confidently, and matter-of-factly decided to live openly as a lesbian and a non-Christian. Assuredly, I knew it wouldn't be easy living 'out' in the veritable buckle of The Bible Belt, but I also knew it had to be done. I wasn't afraid. I probably should have been. I know my mother feared for my safety. Making a stand, taking up the cross, is never easy. Change isn't easy. Still it must be done.

A year later, I once again defied common wisdom and it's standard definition of beauty by scratching an item off my Bucket List. Ever since seeing 'G.I. Jane', I'd wanted to shave my head. I wanted to see if I could do 'bald' at least as well as Demi Moore (a consensus Pretty Girl). For the record, most say I did it better.

Now nearly five years later, I'm still standing. And I still occasionally shave my head. While it's easier and safer here in Austin, there is still work to be done. I'm still not one of The Pretty Girls, but I know in the depths of my soul that I'm pretty. No one will ever convince me otherwise.


'Accept me as I accept you. Believe in me as I believe in you. Love me as I love you.'

~ Stacee Ann Harris, 'The Cross I Bear - I'm a Girl, Part 2'.