Getting Down to Perfectly Free
Invariably someone out there is going to rail at me and say I'm whining. It's the classic ' Geez, Stacee... Make up your mind. You're too damn wishy-washy'. I've gotten it a lot over the years. Fuck. Really? Forgive me for being a real person. You know... A real person, one who contemplates changing her mind and wonders if her choices are the right ones. Yes, I put everything down on paper (so to speak) and let me assure you, I always mean what I say. At the time. I do, however, reserve the right to change my mind. Or at least think about it and write about it.
What decision am I ruing tonight? I don't date. I don't. I don't need it or want it. I truly believe this would be true even if I had someone interested in dating me. I fully admit at least a portion of my steadfast majority is a rationalization. I shouldn't rationalize? Fuck. Really? Be me. Deal with never (and yes, I do mean actual 'never') having anyone (other than fuck-nuts) remotely interested in dating you and see if you don't break off a couple really good, sanity inducing rationalizations. See? I thought you'd see it my way. So, yep. I'm allowed. After this many years and that many fuck-nuts, I'm entitled to a rationalization or two. Rationalization #1 - I don't need to date. Rationalization #2 - I don't want to date.
In addition to being really good rationalizations, they are also fact. On 30 of 31 days. Tonight just happens to be one of the few nights fact fades and I have to fall back on a false sense of sanity. Luckily, my rationalizations never fail me.
But it still makes me seem wishy-washy, doesn't it? I mean I should either want to date or not, shouldn't I? I can't say I disagree. I should. And as I've said, I'm certain I don't. On most days. Why am I so certain? Easy (keep in mind that I'm a glass-is-half-full type of person when I make this next statement) - Dating equals misery. Even to the half-full, positive person. That to me says a lot.
I'm an observer. I watch. I see. I analyze. And I cringe. Unfortunately, from my perspective, people in dating situations seem more stressed, worried, and miserable than those of us who are purely single. Of course, being single and not wanting to be single brings it's own share of stress, worry, and misery, but I'd argue to the death that it's still better than the stress, worry, and misery of the alternative. Why do I say that? Dating really isn't THAT bad, is it?
Not in the very beginning when there's still the rosy glow of discovery and the concomitant ego boost. Flirting is fun and it's nice to know that someone is interested as more than a friend. This is what I miss, if we're going to get technical. It's everything that comes next that makes me shake. Do any of these next statements sound familiar?
Ugh... I can say with absolute certainty that these thoughts NEVER, EVER, EVER run through my mind when I'm single. They have, however, been known to plague me ad nauseum when I'm dating someone. But the good outweighs the bad? Uh, no. I don't think it does. And I'm not even talking about the ugly break up and subsequent stint on The Break Up Diet (which rocks, by the way). I'm talking about the ugly road that leads to the ugly break up. You know the one that we always seem to meander down far longer than we should.
So, what's my problem tonight? I'll be honest. I need an ego boost. I'm not ashamed to say it. I know who I am and what I bring, but every once in awhile it would be nice to have someone (actually interested in dating me) agree that I am in fact ALL THAT. My friends tell me all the time how awesome and beautiful I am and I appreciate it. Unfortunately, this doesn't always translate into the ego boost I need.
I guess in my ideal world there'd be someone pursuing me who I could politely turn down when it got too close for comfort. I know this probably sounds horrible, but I am always very upfront about my wants, wishes, and whims. As I think about it, this may be why I am seldom if ever approached by anyone. I'm going to say it again because I know I'm said it before - Just once I'd like someone to be interested enough to try to break through. They may never get anywhere, but someone somewhere has to be up to the challenge. Where are all the people (men or women.... really I'm not in a position to be picky) who just want the pursuit? Hell, I'd be ideal. They could pursue me til their hearts' content and never have to worry about me getting clingy. God bless. Why has no one thought of this?
Eh, I'm sure there are a variety of reasons. And none will provide the ego boost I need. I think it's time to leave this topic behind for the night. Tomorrow I'll be back to 'normal'. Well, my version of normal, the one that is ecstatically single and self-assured. That person isn't wishy-washy and doesn't need some idle flirtation to make her day. No. She's good as is. Date-free. Stress-free. Worry-free. Misery-free. Perfectly free.
What decision am I ruing tonight? I don't date. I don't. I don't need it or want it. I truly believe this would be true even if I had someone interested in dating me. I fully admit at least a portion of my steadfast majority is a rationalization. I shouldn't rationalize? Fuck. Really? Be me. Deal with never (and yes, I do mean actual 'never') having anyone (other than fuck-nuts) remotely interested in dating you and see if you don't break off a couple really good, sanity inducing rationalizations. See? I thought you'd see it my way. So, yep. I'm allowed. After this many years and that many fuck-nuts, I'm entitled to a rationalization or two. Rationalization #1 - I don't need to date. Rationalization #2 - I don't want to date.
In addition to being really good rationalizations, they are also fact. On 30 of 31 days. Tonight just happens to be one of the few nights fact fades and I have to fall back on a false sense of sanity. Luckily, my rationalizations never fail me.
But it still makes me seem wishy-washy, doesn't it? I mean I should either want to date or not, shouldn't I? I can't say I disagree. I should. And as I've said, I'm certain I don't. On most days. Why am I so certain? Easy (keep in mind that I'm a glass-is-half-full type of person when I make this next statement) - Dating equals misery. Even to the half-full, positive person. That to me says a lot.
I'm an observer. I watch. I see. I analyze. And I cringe. Unfortunately, from my perspective, people in dating situations seem more stressed, worried, and miserable than those of us who are purely single. Of course, being single and not wanting to be single brings it's own share of stress, worry, and misery, but I'd argue to the death that it's still better than the stress, worry, and misery of the alternative. Why do I say that? Dating really isn't THAT bad, is it?
Not in the very beginning when there's still the rosy glow of discovery and the concomitant ego boost. Flirting is fun and it's nice to know that someone is interested as more than a friend. This is what I miss, if we're going to get technical. It's everything that comes next that makes me shake. Do any of these next statements sound familiar?
- Why hasn't he/she called?
- Why didn't he/she respond to my last text (that I sent less than five minutes ago)?
- Does he/she really like me?
- Did he/she just check out someone else?
- Who was that last text message from and why is he/she smiling like that?
- Who is that guy/girl who's stalking him/her on Facebook and liking every status post and picture?
- Why didn't he/she stop by after work?
- Why doesn't he/she text as often as he/she used to?
- Is he/she texting/talking to/seeing someone else?
- Am I too fat? Not cute enough?
- What did I do wrong?
- What did I say? What should I have said?
- Do I text/call too much? Not enough?
Ugh... I can say with absolute certainty that these thoughts NEVER, EVER, EVER run through my mind when I'm single. They have, however, been known to plague me ad nauseum when I'm dating someone. But the good outweighs the bad? Uh, no. I don't think it does. And I'm not even talking about the ugly break up and subsequent stint on The Break Up Diet (which rocks, by the way). I'm talking about the ugly road that leads to the ugly break up. You know the one that we always seem to meander down far longer than we should.
So, what's my problem tonight? I'll be honest. I need an ego boost. I'm not ashamed to say it. I know who I am and what I bring, but every once in awhile it would be nice to have someone (actually interested in dating me) agree that I am in fact ALL THAT. My friends tell me all the time how awesome and beautiful I am and I appreciate it. Unfortunately, this doesn't always translate into the ego boost I need.
I guess in my ideal world there'd be someone pursuing me who I could politely turn down when it got too close for comfort. I know this probably sounds horrible, but I am always very upfront about my wants, wishes, and whims. As I think about it, this may be why I am seldom if ever approached by anyone. I'm going to say it again because I know I'm said it before - Just once I'd like someone to be interested enough to try to break through. They may never get anywhere, but someone somewhere has to be up to the challenge. Where are all the people (men or women.... really I'm not in a position to be picky) who just want the pursuit? Hell, I'd be ideal. They could pursue me til their hearts' content and never have to worry about me getting clingy. God bless. Why has no one thought of this?
Eh, I'm sure there are a variety of reasons. And none will provide the ego boost I need. I think it's time to leave this topic behind for the night. Tomorrow I'll be back to 'normal'. Well, my version of normal, the one that is ecstatically single and self-assured. That person isn't wishy-washy and doesn't need some idle flirtation to make her day. No. She's good as is. Date-free. Stress-free. Worry-free. Misery-free. Perfectly free.
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