Ignorant Perfection

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Saturday morning my truck still smelled of her perfume. Days later I remain undecided. I just don't know whether I like that I liked it. It's not something I planned to feel or even wanted to feel. But that scent, her scent... The scent I never realized was hers until the morning after.


It wasn't supposed to be this way with her. I'd made up my mind. I wouldn't let myself think of her THAT way. Not in any kind of visceral-oh-my-God kind of way. And certainly not in the damn-she-really-did-smell-that-good-last-night kind of way. Other people, yes. Her? No. Hell no.

You see, I'm trying to keep this perfect. I know it's a lofty goal, but right now it's just friendship (early morning visceral body blows aside) and has every chance to be perfect. As long as I keep myself in check. As long as I ignore how good her perfume smells. Once I let myself feel more (and heaven forbid she feels more)... That perfection will start to slip away. It always does.

In the meantime, though, it's fun. Perfectly fun. Purely fun. Yes, pure. Friendship minus touch. Friendship minus electricity. Friendship minus (conscious) thoughts of more. Friendship minus the point of no return. I know that once we step, once we slip, once we go 'there', there's no coming back. Whatever perfection we once shared will cease to be.

I say 'we' and I suppose I mean it.  I know me. I'll swallow whatever I have to and ignore the rest. As nice as her scent felt Saturday morning, as much fun as we have together, and as much as this feels like it could be more than platonic, I won't make any moves. I will not lead. If anything, I'll wait in the middle. Honestly, I think it's a safe place to be. She's nowhere close and probably won't come any closer.

I'm good with that. As long as I can remain ignorant. Ignorance truly is bliss. And so is the perfection of friendship. So give me friendship...and ignorance. This time.

Or maybe just for now.

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