Ignorant Perfection

-
Saturday morning my truck still smelled of her perfume. Days later I remain undecided. I just don't know whether I like that I liked it. It's not something I planned to feel or even wanted to feel. But that scent, her scent... The scent I never realized was hers until the morning after.


It wasn't supposed to be this way with her. I'd made up my mind. I wouldn't let myself think of her THAT way. Not in any kind of visceral-oh-my-God kind of way. And certainly not in the damn-she-really-did-smell-that-good-last-night kind of way. Other people, yes. Her? No. Hell no.

You see, I'm trying to keep this perfect. I know it's a lofty goal, but right now it's just friendship (early morning visceral body blows aside) and has every chance to be perfect. As long as I keep myself in check. As long as I ignore how good her perfume smells. Once I let myself feel more (and heaven forbid she feels more)... That perfection will start to slip away. It always does.

In the meantime, though, it's fun. Perfectly fun. Purely fun. Yes, pure. Friendship minus touch. Friendship minus electricity. Friendship minus (conscious) thoughts of more. Friendship minus the point of no return. I know that once we step, once we slip, once we go 'there', there's no coming back. Whatever perfection we once shared will cease to be.

I say 'we' and I suppose I mean it.  I know me. I'll swallow whatever I have to and ignore the rest. As nice as her scent felt Saturday morning, as much fun as we have together, and as much as this feels like it could be more than platonic, I won't make any moves. I will not lead. If anything, I'll wait in the middle. Honestly, I think it's a safe place to be. She's nowhere close and probably won't come any closer.

I'm good with that. As long as I can remain ignorant. Ignorance truly is bliss. And so is the perfection of friendship. So give me friendship...and ignorance. This time.

Or maybe just for now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb...
Read more

Ironic, Actually

-
A couple days ago, I posted my first ever vlog. It was  just me reading an old blog from December 2018 called, "Courage, Actually." I chose it specifically because it's about accepting life's challenge and fearlessly stepping outside your comfort zone. Making and posting a video of myself was a big step outside my personal comfort zone - in fact, I have long said it's something I would never do - so I felt the topic was timely and appropriate. Reception of the vlog among my Facebook friends and followers was immediately positive. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Courage for the win. I worry, though, that I have falsely painted myself as some courageous-comfort-zone-and-fear-defying crusader. In reality, that's just not me. Not these days...and I think it's time for me to come clean. It's kind of ironic, actually. And hard for me to admit. This might be the barest I have stripped myself in a long time. For the past few months, I have been mired in ...
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i...
Read more