Ten From the 'Not Everyone Can Be a Genius' File
I come face-to-face with stupidity quite often. Sometimes I'm looking in the mirror. Sometimes I'm not. Here's ten examples of 'genius' in action, all from just this past week.
1. When going to pick up a take out pizza it's best to have your debit and/or credit card in your wallet. Or you will end up driving back to your house to get it.
2. If you think a cute girl wants to kiss you, let her do it. The chance may never come again. Then again, if you do it right, it might.
3. Physiologically speaking, 'chest' and 'shoulders' are connected. Therefore, if you have a sore shoulder, it would be best not to work 'chest', if you don't want said shoulder to hurt worse. It's also probably smart not to play tennis (...then again maybe that's just me).
4. Whatever you do, do NOT drink the chocolate milk handed to you by the Milk Mustache People immediately after finishing a 5k race. It will induce projectile vomiting and thus provide no nutritional or rehydrative value what so ever.
5. After being offered help and encouragement in a tough section of a 5k, it is bad form to try to race said 'helper' down the stretch to the finish. You'll just piss her off which will lead her to find another gear and beat your ass to the finish line (...then again, maybe that's just me.)
6. When your physician's assistant and pharmacist disagree about the potential drowsiness of a prescribed medication, it is best to err on the side of caution rather than on the side of wishful thinking.
7. If 'Blow me' is the only response you can think of to an asinine text message or social networking comment, it's best to take the high road, roll your eyes, exhale deeply while muttering 'dumb ass' under your breath, and send nothing in return.
8. When it takes two of your co-workers to rock the Coke machine in the break room to get your Absolutely Zero Monster to drop, be patient. Don't open the can just yet. Give it a moment to settle. Or else.
9. When you say that 'nothing' makes your shoulder feel better, your physician's assistant may assume that what you really mean is 'rest makes it feel better'. Resist the urge to call her a dumb ass out loud (after all she's used to sloppy, sedentary patients) and politely explain that in this case, nothing actually means nothing, as in 'Nothing, NOT A DAMN THING, makes my shoulder feel better.' It is, however, perfectly acceptable to mutter 'Dumbass' in your head.
10. If you set a new Bucket List goal to run a race in all 50 states, people will look at you strange and call you crazy. Remember many of them are sloppy and sedentary and running 50 steps, let alone 50 races, is far too much for them to imagine. Not to worry. One day in about ten years you'll get to tell them all to 'Suck it' so it's all good.
Remember, genius is as genius does. And vice versa.
1. When going to pick up a take out pizza it's best to have your debit and/or credit card in your wallet. Or you will end up driving back to your house to get it.
2. If you think a cute girl wants to kiss you, let her do it. The chance may never come again. Then again, if you do it right, it might.
3. Physiologically speaking, 'chest' and 'shoulders' are connected. Therefore, if you have a sore shoulder, it would be best not to work 'chest', if you don't want said shoulder to hurt worse. It's also probably smart not to play tennis (...then again maybe that's just me).
4. Whatever you do, do NOT drink the chocolate milk handed to you by the Milk Mustache People immediately after finishing a 5k race. It will induce projectile vomiting and thus provide no nutritional or rehydrative value what so ever.
5. After being offered help and encouragement in a tough section of a 5k, it is bad form to try to race said 'helper' down the stretch to the finish. You'll just piss her off which will lead her to find another gear and beat your ass to the finish line (...then again, maybe that's just me.)
6. When your physician's assistant and pharmacist disagree about the potential drowsiness of a prescribed medication, it is best to err on the side of caution rather than on the side of wishful thinking.
7. If 'Blow me' is the only response you can think of to an asinine text message or social networking comment, it's best to take the high road, roll your eyes, exhale deeply while muttering 'dumb ass' under your breath, and send nothing in return.
8. When it takes two of your co-workers to rock the Coke machine in the break room to get your Absolutely Zero Monster to drop, be patient. Don't open the can just yet. Give it a moment to settle. Or else.
9. When you say that 'nothing' makes your shoulder feel better, your physician's assistant may assume that what you really mean is 'rest makes it feel better'. Resist the urge to call her a dumb ass out loud (after all she's used to sloppy, sedentary patients) and politely explain that in this case, nothing actually means nothing, as in 'Nothing, NOT A DAMN THING, makes my shoulder feel better.' It is, however, perfectly acceptable to mutter 'Dumbass' in your head.
10. If you set a new Bucket List goal to run a race in all 50 states, people will look at you strange and call you crazy. Remember many of them are sloppy and sedentary and running 50 steps, let alone 50 races, is far too much for them to imagine. Not to worry. One day in about ten years you'll get to tell them all to 'Suck it' so it's all good.
Remember, genius is as genius does. And vice versa.
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