I Feel Bitchy...Oh So Bitchy
Technically, I feel petulant rather than bitchy but I truly think we're talking about shades of gray here. In any case (or either case), I'm in a rare mood for me. The Me that I usually am is go with the flow. 99.9% of the time I'm 'Eh, whatever', as in 'whatever you want to do'. I'm not saying that feel like my opinions don't matter as much as I'm saying my opinions don't matter. It's a tradition in my world and I accept as much responsibility for it as I place upon others.
Here's a common exchange in my life -
Friend: Where do you want to eat?
Me: I don't really care. Oh, except not fish. I don't eat fish.
Friend: You don't eat fish. Weird.
Me: It's true. Occasionally maaybe, but as a common practice, no.
Friend: Cool. Hey, let's go to Red Lobster.
Me: [internal eye roll and inaudible sigh] Ok, sure.
Seriously? Over one hundred restaurants at our disposal and my friend chose Red Lobster? My one and only requirement was no fish. Now, I never said she couldn't get fish wherever we went, but she had to pick the ONE restaurant that has one maybe two entrees that don't include fish. I can think of a zillion places we could go where she could have chosen from several fish entrees while I chose from several non-fish entrees. This is the story of my life.
Don't believe me? How about another one?
Friend: Where do you want to eat?
Me: Do I have to choose?
Friend: Yes, you do. I want to go where you want to go.
Me: Ok [internal smile], let's go (fill in the blank).
Friend: Ooh, I just had (fill in the blank) yesterday. Anything else is cool.
Me: Hmm... (fill in the blank...again)
Friend: Uh................
Me: Alright, how about we go (fill in the blank with the place I know Friend wants to go).
Friend: Great idea! But why do you always choose someplace you know I want to go?
Me: [internal eye roll and inaudible sigh]
Um... Because it's damn easier and we weren't going to go where I wanted to anyway? I'm well practiced in giving in. Usually I do it willingly and with a joy that almost always resides within my heart and soul. I don't mind going where they want, really I don't. After all, when I'm alone, I can do what I want, when I want with absolutely no interference. And people wonder why I used to go to the movies alone all the time. Duh.
It started in childhood with parents who liked to take the high road with my high-strung older sister. Truly over the years, I think it became second nature to them and something they never put much thought into. We did what she wanted to because it was just easier. My agenda was at her disposal - For example, the Christmas morning she locked herself in the bathroom reading a book and delayed opening presents or the day I was excited to go to Disney and she decided to futz around for hours getting ready delaying our departure. Those are two of the more egregious examples, but there are plenty more. Of course, the one time I attempted to force my will (at a family photo shoot when I was three), I got spanked and had to sit in the car. Really? You're kidding, right? I'm an asshole so I get hauled to the car and my sister gets a present for being good. She's whiny, gets her way, and I have to do what she wants? Where's my present for being good?
Still and all, I don't blame them. Sometimes it is just easier to give in and let people have their way. I mean if it's THAT important, let's go with it. If anything, I learned to capitulate early and I'm not scarred by it. I'm easy-going as a consequence and I think people like me better because of it. I'm the friend that doesn't give a shit. For the most part. And that's where we re-join the story.
I exerted my will today. I did. It's the first time in ages as far as I can remember. And definitely for the first time with this group of friends. I've been on an easy-going roll for a while now. I eat where and when others want to eat, watch the movies they want to watch, go where they want to go, etc. I do what I want on my own time. As I stated before, it's just easier that way. Today, though, I couldn't do it. My plans for Saturday were important to me and I didn't feel like giving in. So... I stood my ground. I feel petulant, whiny, and/or bitchy as a result. On Saturday, two friends will live their lives on MY agenda. MINE. I have plans and if they want me to squeeze them into MY day, they will do it at MY convenience.
Fuck me, I hate that. I hate forcing my will. I hate having it be about me. I hate not giving in. I hate not going with the flow. Of course, I have plans and, if not plans per se, things I want to do. Or don't want to do. And that's really it. I have things I need to do and things I don't want to do. My friends are trying to encroach on my 'don't want to do' time and I'm not happy about it. Ordinarily, I'm their 'slave' and essentially at their beck and call - I constantly ask what, when, where, what do I need to bring. I am at their disposal. Well, I hate to break it to them, but this Saturday is MY day. They need to ask ME what, when, why, how.
I'm light-years from my comfort zone, but every now and again I find something that's important to me and I put my foot down. I can't always be easy-going and if people don't like it..... They can suck it. It gets to be about ME once in awhile and I will not apologize for it. No matter how icky I feel about it inside. Fortunately, I don't feel icky enough to capitulate and ride along at their bidding.
My friends don't mean any harm. I've trained them to expect an easy-going Stacee who does 'whatever'. They are as unused to the bitchy, petulant Stacee as I am. That's my creation and thus my problem. I don't expect it to last. Saturday is MY day. I know I won't insist upon having another for quite some time. Welcome to My World. However brief your stay may be, I sincerely hope you enjoy yourself and don't decide to hate me in the process.
Here's a common exchange in my life -
Friend: Where do you want to eat?
Me: I don't really care. Oh, except not fish. I don't eat fish.
Friend: You don't eat fish. Weird.
Me: It's true. Occasionally maaybe, but as a common practice, no.
Friend: Cool. Hey, let's go to Red Lobster.
Me: [internal eye roll and inaudible sigh] Ok, sure.
Seriously? Over one hundred restaurants at our disposal and my friend chose Red Lobster? My one and only requirement was no fish. Now, I never said she couldn't get fish wherever we went, but she had to pick the ONE restaurant that has one maybe two entrees that don't include fish. I can think of a zillion places we could go where she could have chosen from several fish entrees while I chose from several non-fish entrees. This is the story of my life.
Don't believe me? How about another one?
Friend: Where do you want to eat?
Me: Do I have to choose?
Friend: Yes, you do. I want to go where you want to go.
Me: Ok [internal smile], let's go (fill in the blank).
Friend: Ooh, I just had (fill in the blank) yesterday. Anything else is cool.
Me: Hmm... (fill in the blank...again)
Friend: Uh................
Me: Alright, how about we go (fill in the blank with the place I know Friend wants to go).
Friend: Great idea! But why do you always choose someplace you know I want to go?
Me: [internal eye roll and inaudible sigh]
Um... Because it's damn easier and we weren't going to go where I wanted to anyway? I'm well practiced in giving in. Usually I do it willingly and with a joy that almost always resides within my heart and soul. I don't mind going where they want, really I don't. After all, when I'm alone, I can do what I want, when I want with absolutely no interference. And people wonder why I used to go to the movies alone all the time. Duh.
It started in childhood with parents who liked to take the high road with my high-strung older sister. Truly over the years, I think it became second nature to them and something they never put much thought into. We did what she wanted to because it was just easier. My agenda was at her disposal - For example, the Christmas morning she locked herself in the bathroom reading a book and delayed opening presents or the day I was excited to go to Disney and she decided to futz around for hours getting ready delaying our departure. Those are two of the more egregious examples, but there are plenty more. Of course, the one time I attempted to force my will (at a family photo shoot when I was three), I got spanked and had to sit in the car. Really? You're kidding, right? I'm an asshole so I get hauled to the car and my sister gets a present for being good. She's whiny, gets her way, and I have to do what she wants? Where's my present for being good?
Still and all, I don't blame them. Sometimes it is just easier to give in and let people have their way. I mean if it's THAT important, let's go with it. If anything, I learned to capitulate early and I'm not scarred by it. I'm easy-going as a consequence and I think people like me better because of it. I'm the friend that doesn't give a shit. For the most part. And that's where we re-join the story.
I exerted my will today. I did. It's the first time in ages as far as I can remember. And definitely for the first time with this group of friends. I've been on an easy-going roll for a while now. I eat where and when others want to eat, watch the movies they want to watch, go where they want to go, etc. I do what I want on my own time. As I stated before, it's just easier that way. Today, though, I couldn't do it. My plans for Saturday were important to me and I didn't feel like giving in. So... I stood my ground. I feel petulant, whiny, and/or bitchy as a result. On Saturday, two friends will live their lives on MY agenda. MINE. I have plans and if they want me to squeeze them into MY day, they will do it at MY convenience.
Fuck me, I hate that. I hate forcing my will. I hate having it be about me. I hate not giving in. I hate not going with the flow. Of course, I have plans and, if not plans per se, things I want to do. Or don't want to do. And that's really it. I have things I need to do and things I don't want to do. My friends are trying to encroach on my 'don't want to do' time and I'm not happy about it. Ordinarily, I'm their 'slave' and essentially at their beck and call - I constantly ask what, when, where, what do I need to bring. I am at their disposal. Well, I hate to break it to them, but this Saturday is MY day. They need to ask ME what, when, why, how.
I'm light-years from my comfort zone, but every now and again I find something that's important to me and I put my foot down. I can't always be easy-going and if people don't like it..... They can suck it. It gets to be about ME once in awhile and I will not apologize for it. No matter how icky I feel about it inside. Fortunately, I don't feel icky enough to capitulate and ride along at their bidding.
My friends don't mean any harm. I've trained them to expect an easy-going Stacee who does 'whatever'. They are as unused to the bitchy, petulant Stacee as I am. That's my creation and thus my problem. I don't expect it to last. Saturday is MY day. I know I won't insist upon having another for quite some time. Welcome to My World. However brief your stay may be, I sincerely hope you enjoy yourself and don't decide to hate me in the process.
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