With or Without
I'm thinking about going off the AEPs for awhile. For the uninitiated, that's short hand for the 'Anti-Everything Pills' I take, otherwise known as generic Zoloft. I re-started taking them six months ago because I started having UDA (short hand for 'Undifferentiated Anxiety', meaning anxiety with no apparent cause) again. Before it could get out of hand, I hopped back on the pills. I'm incredibly thankful that I did. In the past six months, life has gotten good, really good, extremely good and I attribute at least some of that happiness to pharmaceutical intervention. I'm no amateur at this stuff, so I also know that I'm reaching the end of the line and it's time to cycle back off. It's not a decision I'm taking lightly. I mean what if I stop taking them and my life goes to Hell? That would suck. But what if I don't stop taking them and my body gets so used to them that they stop working? That would also suck.
The conclusion that I've come to is that I have to try life without for awhile. In the last six months, I've done more for my sanity than just take drugs. I've delved and delved into my psyche and my spirit and come up with some really good stuff. I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually stronger. I should be able to fight off the darkness and the anxiety that invariably comes with it. It's the 'should' that scares the shit out of me. The risks are pretty great and the slide often precipitous and quick. I think I got back on them just in time back in October. I could feel myself slipping into the muck and knew exactly what I needed to do. As much as I hate drugs, they seem to be the answer.
Truthfully, it's not just my sanity I'm worried about. I've apparently acquired a slightly quicker metabolism in the past six months and I've gotten back in fairly decent shape without hardly trying. By coincidence I started back on the drugs when I started working in the Paint Department at The World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer. The new job required me to work my ass off and it changed everything about my body in four short months. So, was it the job or the drugs? I'm really not sure, but I took an office job (also with The World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer) a month ago and I'm maintaining well enough. Of course, I also bought a Spin bike and I'm back at the gym several times a week. My fear (so says the former anorexic within me) is that this body that I'm enjoying so much is courtesy of the AEPs and not my new gym routine. We are nearing bikini season and I don't see much wiggle room here. What if I go off the drugs and suddenly gain weight? 'That would suck' is a rash understatement.
Well, fuck. What to do? I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of anxiety or fat. In truth, getting fat would make me anxious so I guess maybe I fear both equally. However, I don't feel like I have a choice. My body is going to have to cycle off them at some point (or so said my doctor). And if I never stop taking them I'll never know if I can stop taking them. Life is good, my workout routine pretty solid, and my spirit is strong so I feel like I've at least got a running start at this thing. Besides, what's the worst that happens (other than a major mental break and/or horrendous weight gain)? I have to go back on them? That my body requires chemical intervention to function properly? It's not exactly news. I'll simply cycle back on for six months, then endure a few months off. For the rest of my life. I'm good with that. As long as life is good, I mean. And I have every expectation that it's going to stay good for a very long time.
The conclusion that I've come to is that I have to try life without for awhile. In the last six months, I've done more for my sanity than just take drugs. I've delved and delved into my psyche and my spirit and come up with some really good stuff. I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually stronger. I should be able to fight off the darkness and the anxiety that invariably comes with it. It's the 'should' that scares the shit out of me. The risks are pretty great and the slide often precipitous and quick. I think I got back on them just in time back in October. I could feel myself slipping into the muck and knew exactly what I needed to do. As much as I hate drugs, they seem to be the answer.
Truthfully, it's not just my sanity I'm worried about. I've apparently acquired a slightly quicker metabolism in the past six months and I've gotten back in fairly decent shape without hardly trying. By coincidence I started back on the drugs when I started working in the Paint Department at The World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer. The new job required me to work my ass off and it changed everything about my body in four short months. So, was it the job or the drugs? I'm really not sure, but I took an office job (also with The World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer) a month ago and I'm maintaining well enough. Of course, I also bought a Spin bike and I'm back at the gym several times a week. My fear (so says the former anorexic within me) is that this body that I'm enjoying so much is courtesy of the AEPs and not my new gym routine. We are nearing bikini season and I don't see much wiggle room here. What if I go off the drugs and suddenly gain weight? 'That would suck' is a rash understatement.
Well, fuck. What to do? I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of anxiety or fat. In truth, getting fat would make me anxious so I guess maybe I fear both equally. However, I don't feel like I have a choice. My body is going to have to cycle off them at some point (or so said my doctor). And if I never stop taking them I'll never know if I can stop taking them. Life is good, my workout routine pretty solid, and my spirit is strong so I feel like I've at least got a running start at this thing. Besides, what's the worst that happens (other than a major mental break and/or horrendous weight gain)? I have to go back on them? That my body requires chemical intervention to function properly? It's not exactly news. I'll simply cycle back on for six months, then endure a few months off. For the rest of my life. I'm good with that. As long as life is good, I mean. And I have every expectation that it's going to stay good for a very long time.
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