Wanting to Want...Maybe
'I don't need a girlfriend. Hell, I barely want one'.
~ Stacee Ann Harris, November 2010
Last night I stumbled upon that statement while reading some older blogs. Truthfully, a similar thought had been rattling around in my head for a month or better, so it was actually kind of odd that I 'accidentally' found it last night. Coincidence? I think not. I'm beginning to see that this is where I live. And by 'this', I mean girlfriend-free. Don't get me wrong, I like the 'idea' of a girlfriend, but that's probably as far as I'm willing to go with it. I'm not going to say that's why my last relationship ended because that was all kinds of about her and the inconsistency in her decision making (we'll just leave it at that). However, if I'd needed a girlfriend I'd probably still be with her. Thankfully, I didn't. Which is what led me to make the above statement a week before I'd finally had enough of her bullshit. I got out while the getting was good and I've never looked back. We both made that part easy. I didn't want a girlfriend and neither did she apparently.
Nearly six months later, I'm still single (no clue about her and I don't care one way or the other). I've been on a few dates, but I am definitely resistant to anything more and fairly vocal about it. That's probably why I've only been on a 'few' dates and rarely more than two with the same person. I think most of my dates quickly realize that, unlike most lesbians, I'm serious. I'm going to give away a little lesbian secret (maybe it's true of straight people as well. I don't know). Lesbians are fond of saying that they don't want a girlfriend; they want to sleep around, date around; they're scared, had their heart broken; they love being single. It's all bullshit. I can't tell you how many times I've heard lesbians say such things one day and end up in a committed relationship the next. I'm not saying that they're lying (ok, some are and plotting to ambush a poor unsuspecting girl who's saying the same thing), but they are in severe denial.
I never say never, but I'm 97% certain that I prefer being single. Hell, it's been six years since I've been in a committed relationship with a woman living in the same city. I've seriously dated a few fuck-nuts in my loneliness and been in a couple of long distance gigs with some pretty decent women. In the end though, I always seem to come out on the side of 'Me'. I need Me more than I need anyone and being single makes that a lot easier. Women tend to drag me away from Me and historically I've let them. No more. I won't let them. At this point, I'm resistant AND out of practice. That's a wicked combination that will probably have me staying single for a goodly long time. I honestly have no idea how to be a girlfriend and about as much desire to be one.
It all comes down to clautrophobia with me. I know people probably think that I'm scared. I'm not scared. I've had my heart broken enough times to know that I'm strong enough to overcome just about anything. Grace being what it is, I don't worry about any of that. Come what may. I'll deal. I just don't like people enough. I need Me and my alone time far too much. I've yet to find a woman who truly understand this. Oh, they say they do, but in practice it never seems to work. I end up sacrificing what I need to make them happy. It will not happen again. Ever. I am a free-spirit, independent, and one of the highly evolved two percent. I need someone equally free-spirited, independent, and evolved. Let me tell you - She is rare, so rare that I long assumed that I might be the only one.
I'm done with twits, fuck-nuts, and other assorted bullshit artists. If I date, it will be someone with real potential. Loneliness will no longer dictate my choices and I will heed 'red flags' even more stringently than ever before. Nothing in me needs anything outside of me. I may end up wanting it, but need will never enter into the equation. I am steadfast and vehemently in love with myself. One day an equal and I might discover each other, but until then I'm good with what I've got. Which to some may seem like 'nothing', but to me it's everything. I love my life and this wonderful wave I seem to be riding alone. That's not to say that I'm not hopeful because I am. I want to want. Just because she's rare doesn't mean that she doesn't exist. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the Hell out of my girlfriend-free existance. Believe me, there are worse things.
~ Stacee Ann Harris, November 2010
Last night I stumbled upon that statement while reading some older blogs. Truthfully, a similar thought had been rattling around in my head for a month or better, so it was actually kind of odd that I 'accidentally' found it last night. Coincidence? I think not. I'm beginning to see that this is where I live. And by 'this', I mean girlfriend-free. Don't get me wrong, I like the 'idea' of a girlfriend, but that's probably as far as I'm willing to go with it. I'm not going to say that's why my last relationship ended because that was all kinds of about her and the inconsistency in her decision making (we'll just leave it at that). However, if I'd needed a girlfriend I'd probably still be with her. Thankfully, I didn't. Which is what led me to make the above statement a week before I'd finally had enough of her bullshit. I got out while the getting was good and I've never looked back. We both made that part easy. I didn't want a girlfriend and neither did she apparently.
Nearly six months later, I'm still single (no clue about her and I don't care one way or the other). I've been on a few dates, but I am definitely resistant to anything more and fairly vocal about it. That's probably why I've only been on a 'few' dates and rarely more than two with the same person. I think most of my dates quickly realize that, unlike most lesbians, I'm serious. I'm going to give away a little lesbian secret (maybe it's true of straight people as well. I don't know). Lesbians are fond of saying that they don't want a girlfriend; they want to sleep around, date around; they're scared, had their heart broken; they love being single. It's all bullshit. I can't tell you how many times I've heard lesbians say such things one day and end up in a committed relationship the next. I'm not saying that they're lying (ok, some are and plotting to ambush a poor unsuspecting girl who's saying the same thing), but they are in severe denial.
I never say never, but I'm 97% certain that I prefer being single. Hell, it's been six years since I've been in a committed relationship with a woman living in the same city. I've seriously dated a few fuck-nuts in my loneliness and been in a couple of long distance gigs with some pretty decent women. In the end though, I always seem to come out on the side of 'Me'. I need Me more than I need anyone and being single makes that a lot easier. Women tend to drag me away from Me and historically I've let them. No more. I won't let them. At this point, I'm resistant AND out of practice. That's a wicked combination that will probably have me staying single for a goodly long time. I honestly have no idea how to be a girlfriend and about as much desire to be one.
It all comes down to clautrophobia with me. I know people probably think that I'm scared. I'm not scared. I've had my heart broken enough times to know that I'm strong enough to overcome just about anything. Grace being what it is, I don't worry about any of that. Come what may. I'll deal. I just don't like people enough. I need Me and my alone time far too much. I've yet to find a woman who truly understand this. Oh, they say they do, but in practice it never seems to work. I end up sacrificing what I need to make them happy. It will not happen again. Ever. I am a free-spirit, independent, and one of the highly evolved two percent. I need someone equally free-spirited, independent, and evolved. Let me tell you - She is rare, so rare that I long assumed that I might be the only one.
I'm done with twits, fuck-nuts, and other assorted bullshit artists. If I date, it will be someone with real potential. Loneliness will no longer dictate my choices and I will heed 'red flags' even more stringently than ever before. Nothing in me needs anything outside of me. I may end up wanting it, but need will never enter into the equation. I am steadfast and vehemently in love with myself. One day an equal and I might discover each other, but until then I'm good with what I've got. Which to some may seem like 'nothing', but to me it's everything. I love my life and this wonderful wave I seem to be riding alone. That's not to say that I'm not hopeful because I am. I want to want. Just because she's rare doesn't mean that she doesn't exist. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the Hell out of my girlfriend-free existance. Believe me, there are worse things.
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