The New-And-Improved Old Me
I'm feeling pretty good about feeling guilty. In truth, I only feel half guilty, but it means I'm making progress; that I'm on my way back. Yesterday I went to the gym after work because I felt guilty for not getting up early to workout before work. Keep reading because ultimately that's not what I'm feeling guilty about. It had been a long day. I worked later than usual and had an extraordinarily busy day. It was absolutely amazing to me that I followed through and actually went to the gym as planned. The 'old' Me of a few months ago wouldn't have. She would have gone home, had dinner, and been lazy. Going to the gym never would have entered her consciousness. Thankfully, I'm not that person anymore. I'm the new-and-improved Me.
So last night, it was 6:30pm by the time I made it to the gym. The only good thing about going that late (on St. Patrick's Day during South x Southwest) is that it's less crowded. Miraculously I was able to get right on my favorite elliptical machine and then had no problem finding mirror and machine space while lifting. I was mentally tired and ready to be home so I just did a quickie - twenty minutes of cardio and my usual no-fuss-no-muss lifting session. This is what I felt guilty about (well, half guilty in any case). I haven't done a 'quickie' in a long time, not since 'getting back into' working out a month or so ago.
It's the twenty minutes of cardio that piss me off. Of course I keep telling myself it was a HUGE step forward that I even went to the gym last night. I know this, I do. It's just that I've been focusing on cardio lately, especially since buying my Spin bike in January. I've been pushing and pushing, forcing myself to work out harder. My goal is overall cardio fitness - I want to be able to run, bike, and skate fearlessly knowing that I am in better shape than most. I'm gearing myself up for a modicum of pain. Soon I will be doing speed intervals and suffering on a bi-weekly basis. At this point, I don't let every day be race day, but it's close. My woosy workout on the Elliptical last night was near pointless and more or less an off day for me now.
And this is where the guilt comes in. Trust me, I know a thing or two about guilt. Honestly, it's the only thing that has ever motivated me to be something beyond ordinary. It's what made me a highly functional anorexic and halfway decent distance runner. It's what had me at the gym twice a day every day for nearly a decade. It's what got me through college and very often what's gotten me to work with any regularity. I'm good at guilt. My maternal grandmother was Catholic so it might be somewhat genetic. I never want to feel as guilty as I used to, but I'm pretty happy with feeling half guilty about last night. If I can find a healthy middle ground, it will motivate me to focus and stay true to myself and my goals.
It's a slow process, this becoming. With my head feeling clearer than it has been in years, I'm finally finding my way back. I didn't realize I'd strayed this far, that I'd forgotten a part of me. Looking back, it seems that I left the physical Me behind to focus on the emotional and spiritual Me. Without even knowing it, I fell into exactly what I needed. I was physically fit, but the rest of me was a mess. I was emotionally volatile and spiritually empty. I was lost. Now, after years of work, I am better, different, stronger. I've been through the emotional fire, seen the depths, and experienced the darkness. Within all that misery, I reached out to a god I never really knew before and found my spirit lifted. I discovered my Divine Light, my sanity, and my saving Grace. I have a peace, a purpose, and an understanding of myself I never had before.
Now I just have to regain some of my physical fitness and I'll be the complete package. What I've come to realize is that I'm becoming the 'old' Me again, only better. I like to say that I'm the new-and-improved 'old' me. I'm someone I never was, someone I never even thought about being, yet somehow I'm the same. I like this Me more than any of the other Me's I've been. And the way I see it, I'm only going to get better and better from here on. God told me years ago that I am extraordinary. I'm just now realizing that He was right.
So last night, it was 6:30pm by the time I made it to the gym. The only good thing about going that late (on St. Patrick's Day during South x Southwest) is that it's less crowded. Miraculously I was able to get right on my favorite elliptical machine and then had no problem finding mirror and machine space while lifting. I was mentally tired and ready to be home so I just did a quickie - twenty minutes of cardio and my usual no-fuss-no-muss lifting session. This is what I felt guilty about (well, half guilty in any case). I haven't done a 'quickie' in a long time, not since 'getting back into' working out a month or so ago.
It's the twenty minutes of cardio that piss me off. Of course I keep telling myself it was a HUGE step forward that I even went to the gym last night. I know this, I do. It's just that I've been focusing on cardio lately, especially since buying my Spin bike in January. I've been pushing and pushing, forcing myself to work out harder. My goal is overall cardio fitness - I want to be able to run, bike, and skate fearlessly knowing that I am in better shape than most. I'm gearing myself up for a modicum of pain. Soon I will be doing speed intervals and suffering on a bi-weekly basis. At this point, I don't let every day be race day, but it's close. My woosy workout on the Elliptical last night was near pointless and more or less an off day for me now.
And this is where the guilt comes in. Trust me, I know a thing or two about guilt. Honestly, it's the only thing that has ever motivated me to be something beyond ordinary. It's what made me a highly functional anorexic and halfway decent distance runner. It's what had me at the gym twice a day every day for nearly a decade. It's what got me through college and very often what's gotten me to work with any regularity. I'm good at guilt. My maternal grandmother was Catholic so it might be somewhat genetic. I never want to feel as guilty as I used to, but I'm pretty happy with feeling half guilty about last night. If I can find a healthy middle ground, it will motivate me to focus and stay true to myself and my goals.
It's a slow process, this becoming. With my head feeling clearer than it has been in years, I'm finally finding my way back. I didn't realize I'd strayed this far, that I'd forgotten a part of me. Looking back, it seems that I left the physical Me behind to focus on the emotional and spiritual Me. Without even knowing it, I fell into exactly what I needed. I was physically fit, but the rest of me was a mess. I was emotionally volatile and spiritually empty. I was lost. Now, after years of work, I am better, different, stronger. I've been through the emotional fire, seen the depths, and experienced the darkness. Within all that misery, I reached out to a god I never really knew before and found my spirit lifted. I discovered my Divine Light, my sanity, and my saving Grace. I have a peace, a purpose, and an understanding of myself I never had before.
Now I just have to regain some of my physical fitness and I'll be the complete package. What I've come to realize is that I'm becoming the 'old' Me again, only better. I like to say that I'm the new-and-improved 'old' me. I'm someone I never was, someone I never even thought about being, yet somehow I'm the same. I like this Me more than any of the other Me's I've been. And the way I see it, I'm only going to get better and better from here on. God told me years ago that I am extraordinary. I'm just now realizing that He was right.
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