We've Got a Jumper
For ease of understanding, let's just call it a 'self-help seminar'. I agree that it's probably a simplistic term used to describe a much broader experience, but for ease of understanding we're going to go with it. I attended a self-help seminar this afternoon. Truthfully, I'm supposed to still be there. All the way until Sunday evening still there. Obviously, I'm not. And why not? Because I just don't feel like I need that much help (I'm going to add a word of caution here - I've already been told that all of my reasons for ditching out early are rationalizations. Uh, yeah... I'm well aware of that fact. Name an explanation for ANYTHING that isn't a rationalization. I gotcha there, didn't I? The great thing about living life on my own terms is that I can rationalize it any way I want. Pretty cool, huh?).
Here's the thing - the people at that seminar have PROBLEMS. Huge big needing all caps PROBLEMS. In comparison, I've got nothing. Why was I there? To find a way to maintain my current level of happiness. It was only a matter of time before my Suzi Sunshine life became really, really aggravating to my fellow participants. At that point, they'd probably try to convince me that I'm lying to myself. No one can possibly be as happy as I am for real. Check again, kids. I know unhappy. I've lived it and nearly died because of it. What I feel now is happiness, plain and simple. I am here to tell you that it exists. Sure, maybe it's just all one big, fat, juicy rationalization. Maybe we all should be unhappy. Maybe we should all suffer the tragedies of life over and over again. Maybe life is a beating and we all just need agonize our way through it.
I assure you, I'm not lying to myself. I made a choice. Hell, I make one every morning and at various intervals through the day - 'in this moment, I am happy'. Again and again, over and over I choose the same thing. Happiness. No matter what comes my way, I fall back on my faith in God, see His Grace (or create it for us), feel peace wash over me, and smile. I'm a realist. I simply happen to also be a happy realist. Life is not always good, but then again, it's not always bad. Now, those people in class this afternoon... I don't blame them for being unhappy. They lead miserable, pathetic, awful lives. I am quite certain that given many of their circumstances, I'd be permanently in the fetal position, loading an automatic weapon with intent to kill, or in a recreational drug induced coma. Like I said a moment ago, in comparison to them, I got nothing.
And truth be told (as selfish as this is going to sound), I didn't want to hear about it. My soul can only take so much negativity and other crapola before it starts to play along. You see, I'm not Suzi Sunshine by birth. I'm Suzi Sunshine by force of will. And will gets weak when faced with weakness. Especially when mixed with a strong desire to fit in and be accepted (Is there any place in this damn world where I do fit in? Rhetorical question). I saw the writing on the walls and got out while the getting was good. I felt that I was going to be woefully unable to keep my sanity and be sympathetic all at the same time. Honestly, it was just a matter of time before I started dredging up crap just to fit in. I got crap. I promise you. I simply choose to beat it so it doesn't beat me. Of course, that's easy for me. My problems are problems, not PROBLEMS.
It came down to yet another choice - I could either check out and half participate or check out and not participate at all. I felt that for my own well-being and to best take care of myself, I had to leave. I felt it coming. Before the weekend was out, I was going to have to defend myself and my differences. I don't like defending anything, but I really don't like defending my happiness or my faith. Perhaps it's an assumption on my part (to go along with my rationalization) and if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Oh well, I will have missed out. Instead, however, I am spending the remainder of the weekend enjoying this 'found' time. It's been far too long since I've focused on myself. I feel several epiphanies close at hand and The Words are piling up. I need to jump off the grid for awhile and just be. I think I'll call it my very own self-help seminar. It's probably a simplistic term used to describe a much larger experience, but for ease of understanding we're going to go with it.
Here's the thing - the people at that seminar have PROBLEMS. Huge big needing all caps PROBLEMS. In comparison, I've got nothing. Why was I there? To find a way to maintain my current level of happiness. It was only a matter of time before my Suzi Sunshine life became really, really aggravating to my fellow participants. At that point, they'd probably try to convince me that I'm lying to myself. No one can possibly be as happy as I am for real. Check again, kids. I know unhappy. I've lived it and nearly died because of it. What I feel now is happiness, plain and simple. I am here to tell you that it exists. Sure, maybe it's just all one big, fat, juicy rationalization. Maybe we all should be unhappy. Maybe we should all suffer the tragedies of life over and over again. Maybe life is a beating and we all just need agonize our way through it.
I assure you, I'm not lying to myself. I made a choice. Hell, I make one every morning and at various intervals through the day - 'in this moment, I am happy'. Again and again, over and over I choose the same thing. Happiness. No matter what comes my way, I fall back on my faith in God, see His Grace (or create it for us), feel peace wash over me, and smile. I'm a realist. I simply happen to also be a happy realist. Life is not always good, but then again, it's not always bad. Now, those people in class this afternoon... I don't blame them for being unhappy. They lead miserable, pathetic, awful lives. I am quite certain that given many of their circumstances, I'd be permanently in the fetal position, loading an automatic weapon with intent to kill, or in a recreational drug induced coma. Like I said a moment ago, in comparison to them, I got nothing.
And truth be told (as selfish as this is going to sound), I didn't want to hear about it. My soul can only take so much negativity and other crapola before it starts to play along. You see, I'm not Suzi Sunshine by birth. I'm Suzi Sunshine by force of will. And will gets weak when faced with weakness. Especially when mixed with a strong desire to fit in and be accepted (Is there any place in this damn world where I do fit in? Rhetorical question). I saw the writing on the walls and got out while the getting was good. I felt that I was going to be woefully unable to keep my sanity and be sympathetic all at the same time. Honestly, it was just a matter of time before I started dredging up crap just to fit in. I got crap. I promise you. I simply choose to beat it so it doesn't beat me. Of course, that's easy for me. My problems are problems, not PROBLEMS.
It came down to yet another choice - I could either check out and half participate or check out and not participate at all. I felt that for my own well-being and to best take care of myself, I had to leave. I felt it coming. Before the weekend was out, I was going to have to defend myself and my differences. I don't like defending anything, but I really don't like defending my happiness or my faith. Perhaps it's an assumption on my part (to go along with my rationalization) and if I'm wrong I'm wrong. Oh well, I will have missed out. Instead, however, I am spending the remainder of the weekend enjoying this 'found' time. It's been far too long since I've focused on myself. I feel several epiphanies close at hand and The Words are piling up. I need to jump off the grid for awhile and just be. I think I'll call it my very own self-help seminar. It's probably a simplistic term used to describe a much larger experience, but for ease of understanding we're going to go with it.
Comments
Post a Comment