A Year Later
'Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.'
~ from Sara Evans, 'A Little Bit Stronger'
A year ago this week, I almost killed myself. I've flirted with suicide a number of times before in my life, but this last time was the closest I've ever come. For whatever reason, life fell apart and I found it impossible to cope. It was the lowest I've ever been and without the help of an incredible shrink, couple good friends, and some kick-ass pharmaceuticals, I am certain I would be dead right now. I say that matter-of-factly. I don't think it makes me cool or sympathetic. I think it makes me a lot like a lot of other people. Today, though, I take nothing for granted. I am thankful for my strength, my happiness, and my faith. I saw the darkness and lived to tell. I think that's pretty amazing.
Now a year later, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I know I've said that several times in my life and I promise you that each and every time it was true. In some ways, I think I'm just setting the bar higher and higher. That doesn't scare me. I want to be happy, content, and at peace with myself. I don't believe that happens by accident. At least not for me. I have demons, strong demons, that I affectionately refer to as the 'Blue Meanies'. They're assholes. They are. Always have been. I met them for the first time in high school and I've been fighting them successfully ever since. Historically, they grow stronger as I grow stronger, which really sucks because just when I feel strong enough, I'm not. I don't know where they came from or where they continue to come from. I decided a few years back that it's just my fucked up brain chemistry. I might be right or I might be wrong. I'm not sure I care. Maybe that's not right. Maybe I should delve and figure out if something 'psychological' created them, but part of me just wants to rip their little sticks out of their hands and burn them (the sticks, not the Meanies). I don't hate them (I don't hate anything, except peas), but I do wish they'd go away for good.
This time, though, I'm going to out pace them. I have to. The last time was such a close call that I don't feel like I can risk another encounter. I fear that the next time won't end well for me. I must be stronger or at least strong enough. If I'm honest, I want to be so strong that they just stop fucking with me all together. I know I'm stronger for my weakness and happier for my unhappiness, however I think I've gained enough perspective. I hope that I always remember where I was a year ago today and where I am right now. A year ago I never could have imagined this happiness or this peace. I was in an impossible place. The next time I face that kind of darkness and all seems lost, I'm going to think about today, yesterday, and the day before. I thought yesterday was a good day, but it was nothing compared to today. Each day seems better than the last. I like that. I like happiness. I need to remember that.
'Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger'. My faith grows and my belief deepens. I see Grace every where I look. It's in the wind chimes blowing in a cool breeze, a hug from a friend, a co-worker's laugh, and a run on an overcast morning. I am at peace and content. I am in a place I never thought I'd be again. There's Grace in that, too. I am thankful, so very thankful - for me, my strength, and my ability to persevere. I am here and that is the best Grace God has to offer.
~ from Sara Evans, 'A Little Bit Stronger'
A year ago this week, I almost killed myself. I've flirted with suicide a number of times before in my life, but this last time was the closest I've ever come. For whatever reason, life fell apart and I found it impossible to cope. It was the lowest I've ever been and without the help of an incredible shrink, couple good friends, and some kick-ass pharmaceuticals, I am certain I would be dead right now. I say that matter-of-factly. I don't think it makes me cool or sympathetic. I think it makes me a lot like a lot of other people. Today, though, I take nothing for granted. I am thankful for my strength, my happiness, and my faith. I saw the darkness and lived to tell. I think that's pretty amazing.
Now a year later, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I know I've said that several times in my life and I promise you that each and every time it was true. In some ways, I think I'm just setting the bar higher and higher. That doesn't scare me. I want to be happy, content, and at peace with myself. I don't believe that happens by accident. At least not for me. I have demons, strong demons, that I affectionately refer to as the 'Blue Meanies'. They're assholes. They are. Always have been. I met them for the first time in high school and I've been fighting them successfully ever since. Historically, they grow stronger as I grow stronger, which really sucks because just when I feel strong enough, I'm not. I don't know where they came from or where they continue to come from. I decided a few years back that it's just my fucked up brain chemistry. I might be right or I might be wrong. I'm not sure I care. Maybe that's not right. Maybe I should delve and figure out if something 'psychological' created them, but part of me just wants to rip their little sticks out of their hands and burn them (the sticks, not the Meanies). I don't hate them (I don't hate anything, except peas), but I do wish they'd go away for good.
This time, though, I'm going to out pace them. I have to. The last time was such a close call that I don't feel like I can risk another encounter. I fear that the next time won't end well for me. I must be stronger or at least strong enough. If I'm honest, I want to be so strong that they just stop fucking with me all together. I know I'm stronger for my weakness and happier for my unhappiness, however I think I've gained enough perspective. I hope that I always remember where I was a year ago today and where I am right now. A year ago I never could have imagined this happiness or this peace. I was in an impossible place. The next time I face that kind of darkness and all seems lost, I'm going to think about today, yesterday, and the day before. I thought yesterday was a good day, but it was nothing compared to today. Each day seems better than the last. I like that. I like happiness. I need to remember that.
'Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger'. My faith grows and my belief deepens. I see Grace every where I look. It's in the wind chimes blowing in a cool breeze, a hug from a friend, a co-worker's laugh, and a run on an overcast morning. I am at peace and content. I am in a place I never thought I'd be again. There's Grace in that, too. I am thankful, so very thankful - for me, my strength, and my ability to persevere. I am here and that is the best Grace God has to offer.
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