Discernment, Patience, Fuck-nuts, Whack-Jobs, and a Failed Gig Or Two
There's something that I need to write, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it would be safer to say, 'I need to write', however I think my desire is more about content than activity. Still, I'm no closer to knowing what that content is supposed to be. Sometimes God writes for me; He sends me The Words and I meander about until I can quiet my mind enough to listen. This morning might be one of those times. For some reason, He has me up early and writing.
What y'all can't tell is that I paused for a moment there. I put my 'pen' down, closed my eyes, and waited. Nothing. Not yet anyway. So, in true Stacee Ann Harris fashion, I'm just going to keep writing until I figure out what I'm supposed to be writing about. Because I'm sure there's something. Please bear with me while I sort this out.
As an exercise of my free will and the randomness that is my thought process, I'm going to jot down what's in my head and see where it takes us. Keep in mind that I make no promises nor excuses. My thoughts are my own, inspired by true events, and suitably embellished or diminished depending on the circumstances. I don't blame anyone for the occasionally fucked up nature of my ideas, not even God. If you've thought something similar to any of the thoughts you're about to read in the paragraphs ahead, it just means you might be weird like me.
{This is bound to be a rough transition. Please forgive me}
I am never again going to be involved with anyone who wants to be 'saved' or is looking for a 'savior', however thinly or thickly veiled their desire might be. In the past, these folks have clamored for me like an amen to a prayer. I'm solid, grounded, appear richer than I really am, and give the impression that I care. These qualities make me insanely attractive to the helpless, fucked up, and otherwise needy ones. They want someone normal and non-chaotic to lead them from the abyss that is their messed up life and I'm usually the most normal Stacee on the block. I want it on the record that I never wanted to 'save' anyone; I was just happy for the attention and by the time I realized their motives I was in too deep for a quick escape.
There are a couple issues here - my ego ('I was just happy for the attention') and the time factor ('by the time I realized...'). First of all, I'm doing things differently these days. I've checked my ego. I still like attention, but I'm mindful of the source. I want attention from a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual equal. In other words, I'm more discerning than ever before.
Secondly, I've learned that crazy and needy often roll out slowly. These women know they're all kinds of fucked up so they hide it and disguise themselves and try to appear normal. The trick is that they can only do it so long before the mask falls off. I've determined that friendship is the key. I'm friends with a variety of people - good, bad, normal, crazy, morally challenged. Relationships are a different story. They require a little more vulnerability and trust. That said, it's important to know someone before you date them or, heaven forbid, get into a relationship with them. Now, I know the lesbian world has this ass-backwards (we fuck then date then become friends), but just because it's the way the majority of 'my people' operate doesn't mean I have to. Oh, I've done it and ended up with some needy ones and some that I was just simply not compatible with. We would have been better off just being friends. Unfortunately we skipped that step and charged right into dating. I'm here to say NEVER AGAIN. I will be friends first and let the masks fall off and the crap bubble to the surface. It takes patience, but I think I'll be happier and stand to have a better relationship for the effort.
So it comes down to discernment and patience. God has been working with me on these for years. Thanks for all the whack-jobs, fuck-nuts, and failed gigs, God, for they helped show me the way. And that brings us back to my original point - I'm no savior. I'll leave that to Jesus and the Coast Guard. I want someone who is whole, solid, grounded, positive, and above all not needy. I want someone who will lift me up, not drag me down. I want spiritual strength and mutual inspiration. In other words, I want my equal. Good luck? Yeah, I know. I've got God on my side now so I'm sure it'll turn out ok.
So that's what was on my mind this morning (technically, yesterday morning). Interesting. I appreciate the guidance, God. The good thing is that I'm pretty much on the right track. I've been discerning and patiently waiting for awhile now. The even better news is that I'm getting better at both. Amen, right? I, for one, am relieved. I've just about had my fill of dumb and crazy. It's time to move on up. Or be alone. Of course I'm never really alone. I have God. The sex is usually more interactive when I have someone besides God, but I think you get my point.
What y'all can't tell is that I paused for a moment there. I put my 'pen' down, closed my eyes, and waited. Nothing. Not yet anyway. So, in true Stacee Ann Harris fashion, I'm just going to keep writing until I figure out what I'm supposed to be writing about. Because I'm sure there's something. Please bear with me while I sort this out.
As an exercise of my free will and the randomness that is my thought process, I'm going to jot down what's in my head and see where it takes us. Keep in mind that I make no promises nor excuses. My thoughts are my own, inspired by true events, and suitably embellished or diminished depending on the circumstances. I don't blame anyone for the occasionally fucked up nature of my ideas, not even God. If you've thought something similar to any of the thoughts you're about to read in the paragraphs ahead, it just means you might be weird like me.
{This is bound to be a rough transition. Please forgive me}
I am never again going to be involved with anyone who wants to be 'saved' or is looking for a 'savior', however thinly or thickly veiled their desire might be. In the past, these folks have clamored for me like an amen to a prayer. I'm solid, grounded, appear richer than I really am, and give the impression that I care. These qualities make me insanely attractive to the helpless, fucked up, and otherwise needy ones. They want someone normal and non-chaotic to lead them from the abyss that is their messed up life and I'm usually the most normal Stacee on the block. I want it on the record that I never wanted to 'save' anyone; I was just happy for the attention and by the time I realized their motives I was in too deep for a quick escape.
There are a couple issues here - my ego ('I was just happy for the attention') and the time factor ('by the time I realized...'). First of all, I'm doing things differently these days. I've checked my ego. I still like attention, but I'm mindful of the source. I want attention from a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual equal. In other words, I'm more discerning than ever before.
Secondly, I've learned that crazy and needy often roll out slowly. These women know they're all kinds of fucked up so they hide it and disguise themselves and try to appear normal. The trick is that they can only do it so long before the mask falls off. I've determined that friendship is the key. I'm friends with a variety of people - good, bad, normal, crazy, morally challenged. Relationships are a different story. They require a little more vulnerability and trust. That said, it's important to know someone before you date them or, heaven forbid, get into a relationship with them. Now, I know the lesbian world has this ass-backwards (we fuck then date then become friends), but just because it's the way the majority of 'my people' operate doesn't mean I have to. Oh, I've done it and ended up with some needy ones and some that I was just simply not compatible with. We would have been better off just being friends. Unfortunately we skipped that step and charged right into dating. I'm here to say NEVER AGAIN. I will be friends first and let the masks fall off and the crap bubble to the surface. It takes patience, but I think I'll be happier and stand to have a better relationship for the effort.
So it comes down to discernment and patience. God has been working with me on these for years. Thanks for all the whack-jobs, fuck-nuts, and failed gigs, God, for they helped show me the way. And that brings us back to my original point - I'm no savior. I'll leave that to Jesus and the Coast Guard. I want someone who is whole, solid, grounded, positive, and above all not needy. I want someone who will lift me up, not drag me down. I want spiritual strength and mutual inspiration. In other words, I want my equal. Good luck? Yeah, I know. I've got God on my side now so I'm sure it'll turn out ok.
So that's what was on my mind this morning (technically, yesterday morning). Interesting. I appreciate the guidance, God. The good thing is that I'm pretty much on the right track. I've been discerning and patiently waiting for awhile now. The even better news is that I'm getting better at both. Amen, right? I, for one, am relieved. I've just about had my fill of dumb and crazy. It's time to move on up. Or be alone. Of course I'm never really alone. I have God. The sex is usually more interactive when I have someone besides God, but I think you get my point.
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