This Side of Good
I've come a long way in the last year. My roommate said as much the other day and I couldn't argue with her. Just to prove the point to myself (I'm not usually someone who has to come a long way), I read back through a few of the blogs I wrote when I first moved to Austin. It was easy to see that I was horribly lost and misplaced. I lacked friends and any sort of connection. I made poor choices and while I resisted drinking for quite awhile, I soon succumbed to what might be called borderline functional alcoholism. I was unhappy at work and unhappy at home. I missed everything about my old life; I missed me. It was different here; I was different here.
A year ago this week, I reached an all-time low. My misery culminated in serious thoughts of suicide. I joked about Googling a 'suicide cocktail', but I'd really done it. When in a slight moment of rationality I realized that I had saved the 'recipe' on my phone AND had texted friends to get the ingredients, I decided to get help. Thank God for that moment because I don't know what I might have done. In all that darkness, I could only see one way out - the Reset Button. I was good with it; I'd contemplated it many times before and it seemed like the natural progression. It was the first time I'd ever planned it to this extent. As a last ditch effort, I called the employee assistance line at work and set up a counseling appointment.
I spent eight weeks in counseling and started taking the Anti-Everything Pills. It was a fight, but I slowly starting seeing myself again. My therapist (and a good friend) helped me understand things about myself that I never consciously knew before - I'm a 'highly sensitive person' and an introvert. From there I was able to see why I struggled so hard to adjust to the move. If I was going to make it here or anywhere, I needed to control my environment and give my psyche some stability. It's something I'd done instinctive for years, but moving to Austin completely discombobulated everything and set me into a tail spin.
Fast forward a year... It hasn't always been easy. In fact, I'd say it's been a bitch more often than not. Adjusting to and accepting my life in Austin has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. The going was slow and arduous. I took many steps back for every step forward. I railed against being here; I was moving home, dammit. Austin sucked and I hated it. Assuredly there was good - I fell in love with my job and made a few friends. However, 'home' was Texarkana. It's where I was loved and felt connected. It's where my friends were and where I wanted to be.
The only thing worse than being in Austin was not wanting to be in Austin. I was stuck in the middle. I couldn't find a way to move home. Transfers and other job offers fell through or failed to materialize. In the meantime, things kept getting better and better in Austin. Unsure of what to do, I decided to leave it to God. He would tell me where I needed to be. And He did. Austin. Austin is where He wants me to be. For now. I can't say it's forever. My gypsy spirit won't let me do that.
I'm here and trying desperately to stay on this side of good. I am strong, but potentially fragile. I take nothing for granted. Life is good and I'm as happy as I've ever been. However, that means little. Things in my life have a tendency to fall apart at barely a moment's notice. That's why I am scope-locked on the positive. I don't think about things I don't like and I hesitate to think too hard about 'back home'. I miss friends superficially because if I really thought about it, I could easily fall into misery again. Instead I'm doing everything I can to appreciate what I have - a job I love, a new challenge, impending financial stability, a good living situation, friends I care about more and more every day, my evolving Christian spirituality, and my new Spin bike. I'm thankful for all my friends in Texarkana, but being torn is no way to live. I had to make a decision.
Austin isn't forever. I know this. However, I'm fighting my instinct to run. It's what I've always done - dream and leave. I'm never happy enough where I am. I wanted to leave Muskegon, Michigan the day I got there. Texarkana was no different. Austin needs to be. I can't keep running if I want to have roots and a life. I've spent more time missing and making friends than actually having friends. I'm tired. I just want to be. And for now, I'm going to be in Austin. I've come a long way. I'm proud of the progress I've made and who I've become. It may have been the biggest, suckiest challenge of my life, but I survived and I know without a doubt that I am better for it.
A year ago this week, I reached an all-time low. My misery culminated in serious thoughts of suicide. I joked about Googling a 'suicide cocktail', but I'd really done it. When in a slight moment of rationality I realized that I had saved the 'recipe' on my phone AND had texted friends to get the ingredients, I decided to get help. Thank God for that moment because I don't know what I might have done. In all that darkness, I could only see one way out - the Reset Button. I was good with it; I'd contemplated it many times before and it seemed like the natural progression. It was the first time I'd ever planned it to this extent. As a last ditch effort, I called the employee assistance line at work and set up a counseling appointment.
I spent eight weeks in counseling and started taking the Anti-Everything Pills. It was a fight, but I slowly starting seeing myself again. My therapist (and a good friend) helped me understand things about myself that I never consciously knew before - I'm a 'highly sensitive person' and an introvert. From there I was able to see why I struggled so hard to adjust to the move. If I was going to make it here or anywhere, I needed to control my environment and give my psyche some stability. It's something I'd done instinctive for years, but moving to Austin completely discombobulated everything and set me into a tail spin.
Fast forward a year... It hasn't always been easy. In fact, I'd say it's been a bitch more often than not. Adjusting to and accepting my life in Austin has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. The going was slow and arduous. I took many steps back for every step forward. I railed against being here; I was moving home, dammit. Austin sucked and I hated it. Assuredly there was good - I fell in love with my job and made a few friends. However, 'home' was Texarkana. It's where I was loved and felt connected. It's where my friends were and where I wanted to be.
The only thing worse than being in Austin was not wanting to be in Austin. I was stuck in the middle. I couldn't find a way to move home. Transfers and other job offers fell through or failed to materialize. In the meantime, things kept getting better and better in Austin. Unsure of what to do, I decided to leave it to God. He would tell me where I needed to be. And He did. Austin. Austin is where He wants me to be. For now. I can't say it's forever. My gypsy spirit won't let me do that.
I'm here and trying desperately to stay on this side of good. I am strong, but potentially fragile. I take nothing for granted. Life is good and I'm as happy as I've ever been. However, that means little. Things in my life have a tendency to fall apart at barely a moment's notice. That's why I am scope-locked on the positive. I don't think about things I don't like and I hesitate to think too hard about 'back home'. I miss friends superficially because if I really thought about it, I could easily fall into misery again. Instead I'm doing everything I can to appreciate what I have - a job I love, a new challenge, impending financial stability, a good living situation, friends I care about more and more every day, my evolving Christian spirituality, and my new Spin bike. I'm thankful for all my friends in Texarkana, but being torn is no way to live. I had to make a decision.
Austin isn't forever. I know this. However, I'm fighting my instinct to run. It's what I've always done - dream and leave. I'm never happy enough where I am. I wanted to leave Muskegon, Michigan the day I got there. Texarkana was no different. Austin needs to be. I can't keep running if I want to have roots and a life. I've spent more time missing and making friends than actually having friends. I'm tired. I just want to be. And for now, I'm going to be in Austin. I've come a long way. I'm proud of the progress I've made and who I've become. It may have been the biggest, suckiest challenge of my life, but I survived and I know without a doubt that I am better for it.
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