Between When and Now
I probably wonder why too often for my own good. I trust God, but that doesn't keep me from being curious. I wonder about my path and what comes next. I wonder why I'm alone. I wonder why with everything I feel like I have to offer the world that I don't have more meaningful connections. I wonder about the Grace in all that and if my day will ever come again. I know that whatever God has planned for me is right, good, and correct. However at peace I may be with His decisions, I still have to wonder why.
Awhile back I started wishing for peace. God asked what I wanted in this life and I uncategorically insisted it was peace. I rationalized that if I had peace, everything else - happiness, love, connection, financial stability, etc - would be taken care of. The way I saw it, there was no need to wish a bunch of little wishes - for this or that IT Girl to love me, a job I enjoy, good friends, happiness, debt relief, health, weight loss, a positive relationship with Jesus Christ, or a plethora of blue sky days. All I needed to do was hope for peace, visualize it, feel it, and pray for it and I'd have everything I could imagine wanting or needing in this life.
I have to say it's working so far. I've had more peace and more good come my way in the past few months than I've encountered in years. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I've gotten everything I've ever wished for. I'm lacking a few things, but what I do have picks up the slack for what I'm missing. Of course that doesn't stop me from being so curious that I occasionally need a xanax to fall asleep or feel like plucking out my arm hairs one by one. I've always been an over-analyzer and this just gives me something else to ponder (side note - please stop telling me that I over-think too much. If I didn't, you wouldn't have anything to read. And don't act like I'm the only one in the history of the world to do it. Everyone else does to; I just happen to post my musings for all to see). Believe me, I'm not critical of God, nor do I pester Him about when. I know 'when' - When He's damn good and ready for me to be damn good and ready. I simply feel that knowing why would go along way to bringing me additional peace and something constructive to work on. Hell, with the right information, I might be able to close the gap between when and now.
Most of my life, I've looked around and wondered why them and why not me. People who don't offer nearly as much as I do have love, connection, romance, marriage, and so on. I seldom if ever have any of that. It makes me wonder why that might be. I'm nice, smart, funny, savvy, fit, decent looking, and sane. I have a good job, a nice enough truck, enviable credit, and minimal debt. Yet I am single while scuz buckets are all dated up. It makes me wonder why I'm different. Yes, it's not my time and God has a plan. Blah, blah, blah. I just want to speed this thing up. So what's with me? I'm a lesbian who doesn't really care for lesbians. Ouch. Now there's a chink in the armor. I won't date anyone closeted or insecure or dumb. That severely limits the dating pool. A friend recently called me a 'spatula', meaning I 'flip 'em'. She went on the explain that I make women guess about what they want. Apparently my reputation on that one precedes me because I'm not having much luck there either. One day, I will. I know. Even though I trust God implicitly, It's just tiring out here all alone year in, year out.
I'm solid. I am. I'm confident, assured even. I know who I am and what I bring to the world. All that said, I often wonder what in the HELL the rest of the world is seeing. Well, most especially what the single-ish women who like girls are seeing. I determined today (nearly three and a half years too late, I might add) that it might be the ring I wear on my left ring finger. I get lots of questions about it - What are those symbols? Is that a James Avery? I answer those questions with an 'I don't know' and 'No' respectively. Funny they never ask what it MEANS or who it's from or why I wear it on my left hand. To which I would respond, 'it's a measure of love', 'from my PL, the platonic love of my life', and 'it doesn't fit on my right hand, plus I wear a different one there that I can't wear on my left because it REALLY looks like it has a HUGE commitment attached to it'. I wear the ring because I love it and because it reminds me that I am loved. It's that easy, yet no one ever asks. Ooh, maybe they don't care.
That could be. It's a fact I have to face. God feels that I'm not ready. I hope 'yet' because if He never intends for me to be in love or married or 'with' anyone, I'm going to be a wee bit discouraged and wonder what in the FUCK I'm supposed to focus on for the next sixty-one years. Truly, it would be awesome to know that I'm never going to meet The One. It would allow me to concentrate on something else, like writing the next great American novel or being the fittest person in the world over the age of 41 (minus Dara Torres). Such information would free me from curiosity and let me know that 'when' is never. Of course, God knows me and know that I'd never settle for that. I'd give up and curl up. It would be me and the fetal position until death did us part. I'd never survive knowing that I will never love or be loved the way I desperately need to be. 'This' is good for now, but certainly not forever. I'm counting on 'when'. God knows this about me. Hell, He knows everything.
So, between 'when' and now, I've got to rely on my faith and trust in God and His plan. As horribly slow and frustrating as that may seem at times. It's getting old, God; it is. I know You think I'm strong, and I am strong. However, I don't want to be alone forever. I want to try my hand at love. I want to be loved. I know You are everything, should be everything. Loving someone else won't make me love you less. I promise You, God. It will make me love You more. Thank you for making me ready. Thank you for letting me fulfill your plan. I'll try my best not to let my curiosity get the better of me. Unfortunately, I am still human. For now.
Awhile back I started wishing for peace. God asked what I wanted in this life and I uncategorically insisted it was peace. I rationalized that if I had peace, everything else - happiness, love, connection, financial stability, etc - would be taken care of. The way I saw it, there was no need to wish a bunch of little wishes - for this or that IT Girl to love me, a job I enjoy, good friends, happiness, debt relief, health, weight loss, a positive relationship with Jesus Christ, or a plethora of blue sky days. All I needed to do was hope for peace, visualize it, feel it, and pray for it and I'd have everything I could imagine wanting or needing in this life.
I have to say it's working so far. I've had more peace and more good come my way in the past few months than I've encountered in years. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I've gotten everything I've ever wished for. I'm lacking a few things, but what I do have picks up the slack for what I'm missing. Of course that doesn't stop me from being so curious that I occasionally need a xanax to fall asleep or feel like plucking out my arm hairs one by one. I've always been an over-analyzer and this just gives me something else to ponder (side note - please stop telling me that I over-think too much. If I didn't, you wouldn't have anything to read. And don't act like I'm the only one in the history of the world to do it. Everyone else does to; I just happen to post my musings for all to see). Believe me, I'm not critical of God, nor do I pester Him about when. I know 'when' - When He's damn good and ready for me to be damn good and ready. I simply feel that knowing why would go along way to bringing me additional peace and something constructive to work on. Hell, with the right information, I might be able to close the gap between when and now.
Most of my life, I've looked around and wondered why them and why not me. People who don't offer nearly as much as I do have love, connection, romance, marriage, and so on. I seldom if ever have any of that. It makes me wonder why that might be. I'm nice, smart, funny, savvy, fit, decent looking, and sane. I have a good job, a nice enough truck, enviable credit, and minimal debt. Yet I am single while scuz buckets are all dated up. It makes me wonder why I'm different. Yes, it's not my time and God has a plan. Blah, blah, blah. I just want to speed this thing up. So what's with me? I'm a lesbian who doesn't really care for lesbians. Ouch. Now there's a chink in the armor. I won't date anyone closeted or insecure or dumb. That severely limits the dating pool. A friend recently called me a 'spatula', meaning I 'flip 'em'. She went on the explain that I make women guess about what they want. Apparently my reputation on that one precedes me because I'm not having much luck there either. One day, I will. I know. Even though I trust God implicitly, It's just tiring out here all alone year in, year out.
I'm solid. I am. I'm confident, assured even. I know who I am and what I bring to the world. All that said, I often wonder what in the HELL the rest of the world is seeing. Well, most especially what the single-ish women who like girls are seeing. I determined today (nearly three and a half years too late, I might add) that it might be the ring I wear on my left ring finger. I get lots of questions about it - What are those symbols? Is that a James Avery? I answer those questions with an 'I don't know' and 'No' respectively. Funny they never ask what it MEANS or who it's from or why I wear it on my left hand. To which I would respond, 'it's a measure of love', 'from my PL, the platonic love of my life', and 'it doesn't fit on my right hand, plus I wear a different one there that I can't wear on my left because it REALLY looks like it has a HUGE commitment attached to it'. I wear the ring because I love it and because it reminds me that I am loved. It's that easy, yet no one ever asks. Ooh, maybe they don't care.
That could be. It's a fact I have to face. God feels that I'm not ready. I hope 'yet' because if He never intends for me to be in love or married or 'with' anyone, I'm going to be a wee bit discouraged and wonder what in the FUCK I'm supposed to focus on for the next sixty-one years. Truly, it would be awesome to know that I'm never going to meet The One. It would allow me to concentrate on something else, like writing the next great American novel or being the fittest person in the world over the age of 41 (minus Dara Torres). Such information would free me from curiosity and let me know that 'when' is never. Of course, God knows me and know that I'd never settle for that. I'd give up and curl up. It would be me and the fetal position until death did us part. I'd never survive knowing that I will never love or be loved the way I desperately need to be. 'This' is good for now, but certainly not forever. I'm counting on 'when'. God knows this about me. Hell, He knows everything.
So, between 'when' and now, I've got to rely on my faith and trust in God and His plan. As horribly slow and frustrating as that may seem at times. It's getting old, God; it is. I know You think I'm strong, and I am strong. However, I don't want to be alone forever. I want to try my hand at love. I want to be loved. I know You are everything, should be everything. Loving someone else won't make me love you less. I promise You, God. It will make me love You more. Thank you for making me ready. Thank you for letting me fulfill your plan. I'll try my best not to let my curiosity get the better of me. Unfortunately, I am still human. For now.
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