Need

I'm not exactly ashamed to admit that there are things that I need. What's the lyric? 'I don't want you, but I need you'? I think that's it. Not too long ago I decided that I wasn't going to need anything ever again. Except Maslow's bottom rung that is - the essentials like oxygen, food, water, shelter, and warmth. The rest could go to Hell for all I was concerned. I wasn't going to need a damn thing outside myself and my God. We were going to be good, me and God. That didn't go so well. It didn't take me long to realize that I need my Blackberry and a computer with Internet access. Oh, and a job to pay the bills. The way I see it, if Maslow lived today, he'd include a smart phone and Internet access in his list of basic needs. A job, unless one takes a vow of poverty, is also pretty necessary. I rationalized that I just needed what every other Twenty-first century human needed. I was normal. Above all, I wasn't needy.

Then I realized that me and God and the basics weren't the be-all-end-all. I needed a little something more. Like today, I needed a mango margarita. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I didn't want it. I needed it. And the friends who came with it. I needed companionship, fellowship, love, and celebration. I needed to feel a little sorrow mixed with happiness and to hold onto something that will be disappearing soon.

I'm a lot of things, but I'm not everything. I desperately wish I was. I'd be so much stronger. And truth be told, I'd probably be thinner and sober a lot more often than I am. I wouldn't need a hug or human contact. I wouldn't wish for someone to hold on a cold night when the loneliness is deeper than the darkness. I wouldn't worry about what she thinks or what she says. I wouldn't care a damn thing about her or anyone. I wouldn't miss the friends I've left behind and the ones who are due to leave soon. I would only care about me and God. I wouldn't write with tears streaming down my face. I'd be enough.

Sometimes I think it's about my faith. If my faith was strong enough, I'd be ok. I wouldn't need. I might want, but it would never cross into need. I would supply everything I could possibly need - esteem, respect, motivation. Feasibly, I wouldn't need anything outside myself. I could survive alone as long as all my other needs were met.

But then I am reminded about love. My purpose, God's purpose for me, is to love and be loved. I can love myself all I want, but something will always be lacking unless I allow others to love me and put myself in position to love others. So today, did I need the margarita or my friends more? Did I need the hug I ran a special errand to get? Did I need dinner or the companionship of good friends? In the end, I know I could have gone without dinner and the mango margarita, but I needed the love that came with them. I needed love. I need love.

It's a big statement for me and one I'm not ashamed to make. I'm strong enough to need and strong enough to admit it. I need love. It doesn't mean I'll sacrifice myself for that love. I love myself too much to ever do that again. Without that self-love, I'd be needy. Nothing more. What I've come to realize is that needing love doesn't make me needy. It makes me normal. We all need to love and be loved. As much as we need warmth and water, we need love. It all starts with God's love and grows from there. Because as amazing as God is, we need a little more. At least most of do. I do. I know this.

I'd hoped I could make it without, unfortunately I can't. I just can't. I may not want it, but I need it. I need to feel it and give it. I need to jump into it fully clothed and come up soaked to the skin and smiling. I need to walk along the edge and not be afraid because I know I can fly. Love is the lift and the drag, the beauty and the beast, the strength and the weakness. It's God's gift to us and the one thing we will never run out of. There's nothing wrong with needing that.