Trust, Fear, and the Inevitable Need for a Yard Pass
I got in trouble a few years back for referring to something I called a 'yard pass' in conjunction with a friend of a friend's inability to go out without her girlfriend's permission. I don't recall my exact words, but I'm sure I said it with an incredulous sarcasm that was assuredly rooted in the truth. If it wasn't the truth, she wouldn't have reacted as strongly as she did. It's common, the need for a 'yard pass'. While I may have utilized a specific example all those years ago, I could have generalized to most committed relationships.
What is a 'yard pass'? Originally it was a prison term used to describe a prisoner's ticket to momentary freedom. With a yard pass, he (or she) could spend time in the yard, outdoors. I'm sure it's a coveted item, the yard pass. I'd hate being cooped up in a cell all day and would long for fresh air and a chance to stretch my legs. The term eventually became 'urban speak' for time a man is allowed to spend away from his wife or girlfriend doing guy-related activities, ie. his permission slip, his ticket to ride. That I chose to extrapolate it's usage to lesbian relationships is pretty much a no-brainer. Any time you get people in committed situations, whether in prison or interpersonally, there's going to be a need for freedom. And a need to keep people from that freedom.
Thus the 'yard pass'. A yard pass sets limits and lets the recipient know that he or she is being 'watched' so to speak. There's a curfew and an accountability. When receiving such a pass, one should be prepared to answer a variety of questions, such as - Where have you been? Who were you with? Why did you go there? Who did you see? How much did you drink? How much money did you spend? The list goes on and on, I promise you. Hints, tricks and tips? Keep track of your answers. If where you actually went differs from where you said you were going, you better have a good reason for it. If who you actually were with differs from who you said you were going to be with, you better have a good reason for it. If you're going to lie, find a way to be as consistent as possible. Simple is usually best; it's complexity that gets you into trouble. Tangible proof is always best - receipts, pictures, social networking posts. If there's even the smallest glimmer that you aren't on the level, that'll be the last yard pass you ever get. Without successfully lobbying Congress to pass new legislation making her birthday a federal holiday. Fuck up and you're fucked. It's that easy. Remember what happened when you broke curfew in high school? Yeah, same difference here except parents are generally more forgiving than significant others.
I am proud to say that none of my girlfriends have ever needed a 'yard pass'. I always trusted them until I had reason to stop trusting them. All they had to say is 'I want to do _______' and there were no questions asked. Granted I got fucked many, many times by this practice, but there's only one way to find out if you can trust them - by trusting them. When all is said and done, they're going to do what they're going to do. With or without your trust and with or without a 'yard pass'. In my experience, the cream rises to the top and the sludge sinks to the bottom. If nothing else, it's been educational for me.
Just because I've never seen the need for a 'yard pass' doesn't mean that my friends and their girlfriends share my opinion. If I have to hear 'I have to ask' or 'I have to make sure it's ok' or 'she said I can' one more time, I may implode. Really? You're an adult and you need permission like when you were in high school? Your girlfriend is not your mom and I'm fairly certain that you retain free will even when in a committed relationship. Oh, she doesn't trust you? Assuredly that's about her and you and has nothing to do with me. I just wanted to meet for a drink, not fuck in the ladies' room. For the record, I don't fuck my friends (unless they ask. Twice) or my friends' partners (never, ever, ever).
As a single lesbian, I find the trustworthy piece to be a little slippery. Not for me. I know who I am. It's the girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses who generally have the issue. At least it appears that way. Yard passes are seemingly hard to come by when my name is mentioned. How do I know this? It's an assumption at best, but friends who once upon a time (read: pre-committed relationship) could hang out with me any time they wanted now struggle to find the time or the occasion to see me. And I'm not just talking about exes and women I've slept with; it's everyone, though more pronounced if we've had 'involvement' in the past.
Maybe it's time I got it on the record. Again. I have this thing called the 'Friends' Shelf'. When I was a kid my mom put the toys I wasn't supposed to play with on a high shelf. I could look, but I couldn't touch. The same concept applies here. I have friends that are off-limits for one reason or another - they're straight, we've decided not to go there again, they're in a committed relationship, or we are and will always be JUST friends. These women sit on the Friends' Shelf. I'm able to look and enjoy their friendship, but I can't touch. It's not a bad place; there are a lot of cool girls up there. Tonya always has wine and/or vodka, Kendra has access to free pizza, and the remainder of the Hot Friends are probably playing a wild game of Phase 10. Trust me, there are worse places to be.
Now there's nothing I can do if one of the Friends' Shelf friends decides to jump down from the Shelf and ask for involvement. At that point, all bets are off. I can put her back on the Shelf or follow her lead. If she happens to be in a committed relationship, it becomes about her morality, not mine, and my heart, not hers. It's not common, but it has happened.
Yard pass or not, women will do what they do. Trust isn't always the easiest thing to give, especially once we've been blown a time or two, but it's necessary. A lack of trust speaks to jealousy, control, and fear. If love is the absence of fear, then shouldn't we trust those we love? Ah, there's the crux of the issue. We don't love. We think we do, but we don't. Not really. Love is about letting go, not holding back. In a loving relationship where trust is present, yard passes aren't necessary. This is the point I was trying to make years ago and probably why I got in so much trouble. No one wants to hear that what they experience as love isn't really love. No one wants to think they're wrong. No one wants to know the difference. Well, their egos don't in any case. Truly I could go on and on here about why relationships fail, but that's a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that I'm not a fan of 'yard passes' especially when I want a margarita and can't find anyone to join me.
What is a 'yard pass'? Originally it was a prison term used to describe a prisoner's ticket to momentary freedom. With a yard pass, he (or she) could spend time in the yard, outdoors. I'm sure it's a coveted item, the yard pass. I'd hate being cooped up in a cell all day and would long for fresh air and a chance to stretch my legs. The term eventually became 'urban speak' for time a man is allowed to spend away from his wife or girlfriend doing guy-related activities, ie. his permission slip, his ticket to ride. That I chose to extrapolate it's usage to lesbian relationships is pretty much a no-brainer. Any time you get people in committed situations, whether in prison or interpersonally, there's going to be a need for freedom. And a need to keep people from that freedom.
Thus the 'yard pass'. A yard pass sets limits and lets the recipient know that he or she is being 'watched' so to speak. There's a curfew and an accountability. When receiving such a pass, one should be prepared to answer a variety of questions, such as - Where have you been? Who were you with? Why did you go there? Who did you see? How much did you drink? How much money did you spend? The list goes on and on, I promise you. Hints, tricks and tips? Keep track of your answers. If where you actually went differs from where you said you were going, you better have a good reason for it. If who you actually were with differs from who you said you were going to be with, you better have a good reason for it. If you're going to lie, find a way to be as consistent as possible. Simple is usually best; it's complexity that gets you into trouble. Tangible proof is always best - receipts, pictures, social networking posts. If there's even the smallest glimmer that you aren't on the level, that'll be the last yard pass you ever get. Without successfully lobbying Congress to pass new legislation making her birthday a federal holiday. Fuck up and you're fucked. It's that easy. Remember what happened when you broke curfew in high school? Yeah, same difference here except parents are generally more forgiving than significant others.
I am proud to say that none of my girlfriends have ever needed a 'yard pass'. I always trusted them until I had reason to stop trusting them. All they had to say is 'I want to do _______' and there were no questions asked. Granted I got fucked many, many times by this practice, but there's only one way to find out if you can trust them - by trusting them. When all is said and done, they're going to do what they're going to do. With or without your trust and with or without a 'yard pass'. In my experience, the cream rises to the top and the sludge sinks to the bottom. If nothing else, it's been educational for me.
Just because I've never seen the need for a 'yard pass' doesn't mean that my friends and their girlfriends share my opinion. If I have to hear 'I have to ask' or 'I have to make sure it's ok' or 'she said I can' one more time, I may implode. Really? You're an adult and you need permission like when you were in high school? Your girlfriend is not your mom and I'm fairly certain that you retain free will even when in a committed relationship. Oh, she doesn't trust you? Assuredly that's about her and you and has nothing to do with me. I just wanted to meet for a drink, not fuck in the ladies' room. For the record, I don't fuck my friends (unless they ask. Twice) or my friends' partners (never, ever, ever).
As a single lesbian, I find the trustworthy piece to be a little slippery. Not for me. I know who I am. It's the girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses who generally have the issue. At least it appears that way. Yard passes are seemingly hard to come by when my name is mentioned. How do I know this? It's an assumption at best, but friends who once upon a time (read: pre-committed relationship) could hang out with me any time they wanted now struggle to find the time or the occasion to see me. And I'm not just talking about exes and women I've slept with; it's everyone, though more pronounced if we've had 'involvement' in the past.
Maybe it's time I got it on the record. Again. I have this thing called the 'Friends' Shelf'. When I was a kid my mom put the toys I wasn't supposed to play with on a high shelf. I could look, but I couldn't touch. The same concept applies here. I have friends that are off-limits for one reason or another - they're straight, we've decided not to go there again, they're in a committed relationship, or we are and will always be JUST friends. These women sit on the Friends' Shelf. I'm able to look and enjoy their friendship, but I can't touch. It's not a bad place; there are a lot of cool girls up there. Tonya always has wine and/or vodka, Kendra has access to free pizza, and the remainder of the Hot Friends are probably playing a wild game of Phase 10. Trust me, there are worse places to be.
Now there's nothing I can do if one of the Friends' Shelf friends decides to jump down from the Shelf and ask for involvement. At that point, all bets are off. I can put her back on the Shelf or follow her lead. If she happens to be in a committed relationship, it becomes about her morality, not mine, and my heart, not hers. It's not common, but it has happened.
Yard pass or not, women will do what they do. Trust isn't always the easiest thing to give, especially once we've been blown a time or two, but it's necessary. A lack of trust speaks to jealousy, control, and fear. If love is the absence of fear, then shouldn't we trust those we love? Ah, there's the crux of the issue. We don't love. We think we do, but we don't. Not really. Love is about letting go, not holding back. In a loving relationship where trust is present, yard passes aren't necessary. This is the point I was trying to make years ago and probably why I got in so much trouble. No one wants to hear that what they experience as love isn't really love. No one wants to think they're wrong. No one wants to know the difference. Well, their egos don't in any case. Truly I could go on and on here about why relationships fail, but that's a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that I'm not a fan of 'yard passes' especially when I want a margarita and can't find anyone to join me.
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