Owner's Manual for a 1969 Model Liver
When I learned that a friend's daughter was having some 'issues' with her liver, I made a quick no-brainer decision. If she needs it (and if we are a match, of course), she can have part of mine. I'm an organ donor, or so it says on my drivers' license. I'm a big believer in giving away what you have that you no longer need or want, especially if someone needs or wants it more than you do. I've given away clothes, furniture, and money over the years. I live by the creed 'what's mine is yours' and I walk my talk as best I can. So when I heard about my friend's daughter, the decision was easy. I know it's not an old sweatshirt or a couch or $100, but I don't need my whole liver (they say they grow back, kind of like a lizard's tail) and she might could really use it. My liver's a good one, slightly worn and a bit finicky at times, but she'll get the job done.
The poor girl in need is barely twenty-one. She hasn't even had a chance to properly break hers in yet. Unless she started drinking in kindergarten, which her mother has never mentioned. I'm going on the assumption that she's got a brand-spanking new liver that apparently doesn't work quite right. Now if I give this girl my road-worn liver without appropriate instruction, she might get it all kinds of confused. An old liver is nothing like a new liver and I feel I would be remiss if I didn't teach her a few of the ins-and-outs of mine. Like I said, my old liver can be finicky, but I've learned a couple tricks along the way.
Rule 1: Rum. She likes rum. A lot. So much so that I think she already comes with her own bottle. That said, she responds best when given rum. But never 'well' rum or anything from the 'bottom shelf', such as Heaven Hill. She will rebel. Her favorite by far is Pampero Anniversaire (in the little leather pouch), but she is perfectly content with basic Bacardi. Please note that flavored rums (ie coconut) don't always sit well; it depends upon her mood.
Rule 2: Start with one alcohol and stick with it for the entire day, night, etc. She does not like a wild mess and she will quickly let you know via a monster headache or queasy stomach.
Rule 3: She LOVES shots. Loves them. Unless they result in a wild mix (reference Rule 2 above). Be cautious, know what is in every shot, and plan accordingly.
Rule 4: If there is Jagermeister in the shot, you will be hard pressed to talk her out of it. She loves 'Red Headed' anything.
Rule 5: Absolutely NO shots with the word 'BOMB' in the title, such as Irish Car BOMB or Vegas BOMB. Because they are a shot and she loves shots (reference Rule 3 above), she will want it. Stand firm. Do not let her convince you otherwise. These shots equal 'wild mess' (reference Rule 2) and should be avoided at all costs.
Rule 6: No tequila. Period. None. Not ever. Never. Unless you want alcohol induced bulimia. She despises it and will let you know very quickly just how much.
Rule 7: Vodka should be used sparingly and cautiously. Sometimes she is fine, but other times she has a bit of PTSD related to the 'Lemon Drop Wars' of '97 and '98. Under no circumstances should you ever mention the broken blood vessel in the eye (from excessive vomiting) or blueberry pancakes.
Rule 8: If she hears the words 'Sweet Tea Vodka' or sees a bottle, get ready. She cannot say no, especially if there is diet sweet tea available as a mixer. However due to past experiences with vodka (reference Rule 7), caution is recommended. It is still unclear how she will respond to the vodka.
Rule 9: No matter how dehydrated you may feel, do not drink water the morning after. It will seem like a good idea until it becomes painfully clear that it is not.
Rule 10: Keep a supply of Gatorade handy. She is a fan of orange, but will drink any that is provided.
Rule 11: Excedrin Migraine should be the drug of choice if headache medicine is required. It seems to get her back right the quickest.
Rule 12: If at some point you cannot feel your hands the morning/day after, do not panic. This is one of her normal responses following a wild mess (reference Rule 2).
Rule 13: McDonald's Quarter Pounders (or just a basic cheeseburger, if she's really bad) and Diet Coke aid in recovery. Eat slowly. Sip carefully.
Rule 14: She doesn't like beer, though flavored malt beverages are fine.
Rule 15: She likes Champagne, but never more than two bottles in one sitting. Especially if she's been drinking rum.
Rule 16: Shots of Hot Damn are fine, but only with a woman named Kim Owens (contact original owner with questions). And never more than three.
Rule 17: Goldschlagger. She may be tempted, but please remind her about getting lost on the way home from a bar around the corner. It might be best to only drink Goldschlagger when a designated driver is present. And there's no karaoke.
If these rules are followed, I think my liver will do just fine. She'll feel right at home.
It would be great if the solution was as easy as all that. Here take my liver. Live long and prosper. We're still not sure what the diagnosis will be and if she'll even need a new (part of a) liver. However, if she does, I will be the first in line to get tested. And if, by some quirk of good fortune, I'm a match, she's got it. As much as she needs, complete with an owner's manual. I promise it'll treat her right.
The poor girl in need is barely twenty-one. She hasn't even had a chance to properly break hers in yet. Unless she started drinking in kindergarten, which her mother has never mentioned. I'm going on the assumption that she's got a brand-spanking new liver that apparently doesn't work quite right. Now if I give this girl my road-worn liver without appropriate instruction, she might get it all kinds of confused. An old liver is nothing like a new liver and I feel I would be remiss if I didn't teach her a few of the ins-and-outs of mine. Like I said, my old liver can be finicky, but I've learned a couple tricks along the way.
Rule 1: Rum. She likes rum. A lot. So much so that I think she already comes with her own bottle. That said, she responds best when given rum. But never 'well' rum or anything from the 'bottom shelf', such as Heaven Hill. She will rebel. Her favorite by far is Pampero Anniversaire (in the little leather pouch), but she is perfectly content with basic Bacardi. Please note that flavored rums (ie coconut) don't always sit well; it depends upon her mood.
Rule 2: Start with one alcohol and stick with it for the entire day, night, etc. She does not like a wild mess and she will quickly let you know via a monster headache or queasy stomach.
Rule 3: She LOVES shots. Loves them. Unless they result in a wild mix (reference Rule 2 above). Be cautious, know what is in every shot, and plan accordingly.
Rule 4: If there is Jagermeister in the shot, you will be hard pressed to talk her out of it. She loves 'Red Headed' anything.
Rule 5: Absolutely NO shots with the word 'BOMB' in the title, such as Irish Car BOMB or Vegas BOMB. Because they are a shot and she loves shots (reference Rule 3 above), she will want it. Stand firm. Do not let her convince you otherwise. These shots equal 'wild mess' (reference Rule 2) and should be avoided at all costs.
Rule 6: No tequila. Period. None. Not ever. Never. Unless you want alcohol induced bulimia. She despises it and will let you know very quickly just how much.
Rule 7: Vodka should be used sparingly and cautiously. Sometimes she is fine, but other times she has a bit of PTSD related to the 'Lemon Drop Wars' of '97 and '98. Under no circumstances should you ever mention the broken blood vessel in the eye (from excessive vomiting) or blueberry pancakes.
Rule 8: If she hears the words 'Sweet Tea Vodka' or sees a bottle, get ready. She cannot say no, especially if there is diet sweet tea available as a mixer. However due to past experiences with vodka (reference Rule 7), caution is recommended. It is still unclear how she will respond to the vodka.
Rule 9: No matter how dehydrated you may feel, do not drink water the morning after. It will seem like a good idea until it becomes painfully clear that it is not.
Rule 10: Keep a supply of Gatorade handy. She is a fan of orange, but will drink any that is provided.
Rule 11: Excedrin Migraine should be the drug of choice if headache medicine is required. It seems to get her back right the quickest.
Rule 12: If at some point you cannot feel your hands the morning/day after, do not panic. This is one of her normal responses following a wild mess (reference Rule 2).
Rule 13: McDonald's Quarter Pounders (or just a basic cheeseburger, if she's really bad) and Diet Coke aid in recovery. Eat slowly. Sip carefully.
Rule 14: She doesn't like beer, though flavored malt beverages are fine.
Rule 15: She likes Champagne, but never more than two bottles in one sitting. Especially if she's been drinking rum.
Rule 16: Shots of Hot Damn are fine, but only with a woman named Kim Owens (contact original owner with questions). And never more than three.
Rule 17: Goldschlagger. She may be tempted, but please remind her about getting lost on the way home from a bar around the corner. It might be best to only drink Goldschlagger when a designated driver is present. And there's no karaoke.
If these rules are followed, I think my liver will do just fine. She'll feel right at home.
It would be great if the solution was as easy as all that. Here take my liver. Live long and prosper. We're still not sure what the diagnosis will be and if she'll even need a new (part of a) liver. However, if she does, I will be the first in line to get tested. And if, by some quirk of good fortune, I'm a match, she's got it. As much as she needs, complete with an owner's manual. I promise it'll treat her right.
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