Nothing to Fear But...
'Let us not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless when facing them.'
~ Rabindranath Tagore
Whatever. My entire life is based upon avoiding danger and thus the necessity for fearlessness. I talk a pretty good game. I may seem fearless, but only when I am armed, when I feel safe, and when there is no absolutely danger. I structure my environment so that I never have to do anything I fear. Pretty cool, eh? Screw praying for fearlessness. I'm all about sheltering myself from danger.
As luck would have it, I'm able to easily cut a lot of things out of my daily life that scare the shit out of me - snakes, sharks, falls from great heights (though recently I decided I want to repel out of a helicopter), suffocation, drowning, social situations, fiction writing, rejection, and ineptitude, just to name a few. This is largely why I don't swim, play pool, play golf, rock climb, walk through reptile houses, attend large gatherings, submit my stuff for publication, or attend yoga classes. It's all about control. After 41 years, I have to say I'm pretty damn good at it. So good that people think I'm fearless.
And then if you add to that my ability to do many things that scare others, such as post everything I write, live openly gay in the straight world, live openly non-Christian in the Christian world, Rollerblade, shave my head, admit my inspiration, co-habit with a ghost, publicly announce my beliefs (otherwise known as 'blaspheme), speak in front of large groups, offer to donate bodily organs, and kiss pretty girls, just to name a few, it's no wonder I've got some fearless street cred.
Really who knew? Apparently a lot of people. I'm curious what will happen when all these people find out the truth. I'm actually a lot like them - scared shitless of all kinds of things. It's not like I've lied to anyone and I didn't intentionally lead anyone astray. Unfortunately, assumptions were made and now I fear that I'm going to be the ass. What if people find out I'm not really all that fearless and start hating me? Or at the very least stop liking me? I could rationalize it's their loss. I've never said I'm anything I'm not. While I've talked a lot about my supposed fearlessness, I've also discussed my fears many times in blogs over the years. No matter what, I always say that I'm Stacee, no more and no less.
And here comes yet another of my fears - not being liked for who I am. Above all, I want to be liked. Not because of some image or who people think I am. No, I want to be liked for who I really am. The trouble with this deal is that it requires me to be me. I can't be someone I'm not because, while I may end up being liked, I won't be liked for who I am. There's no wiggle room here. None. I am required to live honestly, which includes admitting my fears. It amazes me that, with all these fears, anyone would think that I'm fearless.
I'm trying to figure out what's better - to let people know I'm fearful and willing to fight my fears (even if it means showing my ineptitude and/or embarrassment) or let them go on believing that I'm fearless by avoiding situations that scare the shit out of me. I'm not sure which is more endearing. I'm not a fan of fighting fears, per se (remember I am a classic avoider), but sometimes occasions arise that make me think twice. What if I could let go of my fears and actually be fearless? But damn, that would mean touching a snake, swimming with sharks, and/or taking a yoga class. Eek, I'm not sure I'm ready for all that. Can't I just speak in front of a really big audience or walk into a straight bar with a beautiful girl and be done with it? No danger and nothing to fear there. At least for me.
~ Rabindranath Tagore
Whatever. My entire life is based upon avoiding danger and thus the necessity for fearlessness. I talk a pretty good game. I may seem fearless, but only when I am armed, when I feel safe, and when there is no absolutely danger. I structure my environment so that I never have to do anything I fear. Pretty cool, eh? Screw praying for fearlessness. I'm all about sheltering myself from danger.
As luck would have it, I'm able to easily cut a lot of things out of my daily life that scare the shit out of me - snakes, sharks, falls from great heights (though recently I decided I want to repel out of a helicopter), suffocation, drowning, social situations, fiction writing, rejection, and ineptitude, just to name a few. This is largely why I don't swim, play pool, play golf, rock climb, walk through reptile houses, attend large gatherings, submit my stuff for publication, or attend yoga classes. It's all about control. After 41 years, I have to say I'm pretty damn good at it. So good that people think I'm fearless.
And then if you add to that my ability to do many things that scare others, such as post everything I write, live openly gay in the straight world, live openly non-Christian in the Christian world, Rollerblade, shave my head, admit my inspiration, co-habit with a ghost, publicly announce my beliefs (otherwise known as 'blaspheme), speak in front of large groups, offer to donate bodily organs, and kiss pretty girls, just to name a few, it's no wonder I've got some fearless street cred.
Really who knew? Apparently a lot of people. I'm curious what will happen when all these people find out the truth. I'm actually a lot like them - scared shitless of all kinds of things. It's not like I've lied to anyone and I didn't intentionally lead anyone astray. Unfortunately, assumptions were made and now I fear that I'm going to be the ass. What if people find out I'm not really all that fearless and start hating me? Or at the very least stop liking me? I could rationalize it's their loss. I've never said I'm anything I'm not. While I've talked a lot about my supposed fearlessness, I've also discussed my fears many times in blogs over the years. No matter what, I always say that I'm Stacee, no more and no less.
And here comes yet another of my fears - not being liked for who I am. Above all, I want to be liked. Not because of some image or who people think I am. No, I want to be liked for who I really am. The trouble with this deal is that it requires me to be me. I can't be someone I'm not because, while I may end up being liked, I won't be liked for who I am. There's no wiggle room here. None. I am required to live honestly, which includes admitting my fears. It amazes me that, with all these fears, anyone would think that I'm fearless.
I'm trying to figure out what's better - to let people know I'm fearful and willing to fight my fears (even if it means showing my ineptitude and/or embarrassment) or let them go on believing that I'm fearless by avoiding situations that scare the shit out of me. I'm not sure which is more endearing. I'm not a fan of fighting fears, per se (remember I am a classic avoider), but sometimes occasions arise that make me think twice. What if I could let go of my fears and actually be fearless? But damn, that would mean touching a snake, swimming with sharks, and/or taking a yoga class. Eek, I'm not sure I'm ready for all that. Can't I just speak in front of a really big audience or walk into a straight bar with a beautiful girl and be done with it? No danger and nothing to fear there. At least for me.
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