Dreams Afoot
It seems that dreams are afoot. I heard about two potential opportunities yesterday. Both are dreams. One is toward home; the other toward a beach. For a moment, I wondered what God was up to. I want both, yet that is impossible. They are mutually exclusive. Home isn't near the beach and the beach isn't near home. Could it be possible that one day soon I could have to choose between two dreams? Could I be that lucky and that unlucky all at the same time? I'm thankful for the opportunity, for the dream, for the wish come true, but I curse the choice. Thank you for the test, God. Next time I'll watch what I wish for.
Home... I've wanted to go home since the day I got to Austin, one year ago yesterday. I've said it many times - It's not awful here; it's just not home. I've given it a chance, stayed positive (except for a really rough bout with the Blue Meanies back in February), and made friends. I know if I gave it time, I'd like it fine here. I simply fear it will never be home. For better or worse, Texarkana is home. Because of my house, my friends, and the person I am when I am there. It's where I found myself, someone I really like a lot, and where I learned to stand. I don't like myself as much in Austin and I'm not sure I ever will. My time here in Austin wasn't for nothing. It taught me two things - (1) where home is and (2) how to survive alone in a new place. I will forever be grateful for these lessons.
The beach... It's another move to a new place where I know next to no one. The lessons I learned in the past year here in Austin would serve me well and I'm confident that I'd be able to cope with few issues. After a year of being alone without a support network, I'm know what to expect. And I'd have the beach close by. I'd be in smaller place and farther South. I'd have to watch my back again and worry about expressing my faith and my sexuality. And I would once again be challenged to stand in my truth. I have long said that Austin is easy, too easy. People here just don't care. They are accepting and politically correct. They are used to alternative lifestyles, faiths, and ideas. Because of that, there is little to be done here. However, in small city in the deep South? Someone like me would stand out, as would my message, and I would have reason to stand and speak my truth.
One of my goals in life is to change minds or, at the very least, open them. Austin doesn't need me, so the move home or to somewhere else is inevitable. I've asked God for both at times. I'm not sure which I want more. Home sounds good because it's home, but the beach sounds good because it's the beach. I love both. And now God may be challenging me to choose. I fear that if I move home, I will never leave. I would have my house, my friends, and the me that I love so much. I'd be home. Of course, if I were to move toward the beach, I'd have the beach, which is always good for my soul. And maybe, just maybe, it would one day feel like home. Plus, I always say that ultimately I want to live near the beach.
Both places would give me pause to stand. God knows this about me. He knows what I am called to do. He knows I need to stand. He also knows that Austin is not the place for me. So, one day soon, He may give me a choice and dream will come true. Truly whichever path I choose, home or another move to a new place, will fulfill a dream. I guess in that way, God isn't challenging me; He is giving me a gift and a chance to do what I want to do. Either choice is the right choice, no matter how nerve-racking the decision might be to make. I like it when God makes my decisions for me. It's always easier that way. However, if everything goes the way I hope it goes, I'll have to buck up, stop cursing the choice, search my soul, and decide. Home or the beach? The ultimate choice is mine and mine alone. Lucky me.
Home... I've wanted to go home since the day I got to Austin, one year ago yesterday. I've said it many times - It's not awful here; it's just not home. I've given it a chance, stayed positive (except for a really rough bout with the Blue Meanies back in February), and made friends. I know if I gave it time, I'd like it fine here. I simply fear it will never be home. For better or worse, Texarkana is home. Because of my house, my friends, and the person I am when I am there. It's where I found myself, someone I really like a lot, and where I learned to stand. I don't like myself as much in Austin and I'm not sure I ever will. My time here in Austin wasn't for nothing. It taught me two things - (1) where home is and (2) how to survive alone in a new place. I will forever be grateful for these lessons.
The beach... It's another move to a new place where I know next to no one. The lessons I learned in the past year here in Austin would serve me well and I'm confident that I'd be able to cope with few issues. After a year of being alone without a support network, I'm know what to expect. And I'd have the beach close by. I'd be in smaller place and farther South. I'd have to watch my back again and worry about expressing my faith and my sexuality. And I would once again be challenged to stand in my truth. I have long said that Austin is easy, too easy. People here just don't care. They are accepting and politically correct. They are used to alternative lifestyles, faiths, and ideas. Because of that, there is little to be done here. However, in small city in the deep South? Someone like me would stand out, as would my message, and I would have reason to stand and speak my truth.
One of my goals in life is to change minds or, at the very least, open them. Austin doesn't need me, so the move home or to somewhere else is inevitable. I've asked God for both at times. I'm not sure which I want more. Home sounds good because it's home, but the beach sounds good because it's the beach. I love both. And now God may be challenging me to choose. I fear that if I move home, I will never leave. I would have my house, my friends, and the me that I love so much. I'd be home. Of course, if I were to move toward the beach, I'd have the beach, which is always good for my soul. And maybe, just maybe, it would one day feel like home. Plus, I always say that ultimately I want to live near the beach.
Both places would give me pause to stand. God knows this about me. He knows what I am called to do. He knows I need to stand. He also knows that Austin is not the place for me. So, one day soon, He may give me a choice and dream will come true. Truly whichever path I choose, home or another move to a new place, will fulfill a dream. I guess in that way, God isn't challenging me; He is giving me a gift and a chance to do what I want to do. Either choice is the right choice, no matter how nerve-racking the decision might be to make. I like it when God makes my decisions for me. It's always easier that way. However, if everything goes the way I hope it goes, I'll have to buck up, stop cursing the choice, search my soul, and decide. Home or the beach? The ultimate choice is mine and mine alone. Lucky me.
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