Sucking at It
There are quite a few things in this world that I'm good at. Writing is one. Tennis is another. I can also hold my own with basic algebra and shoot a pretty consistent free throw. As with most people, I imagine, I spend time doing the things I do well and avoid the things I don't do so well. It's all about ego protection. Why put ourselves in a position to show the world how awful we are at something? For example, I suck at golf. Thus, I rarely golf. I suck at video games. Thus I rarely play video games. I suck at two-stepping. Thus I rarely two-step. Of course there are a few things that I'm not very good at but I really enjoy doing - hockey and pool are at the top of the list. Dating would also fall into that category. I think. The jury might still be out on that one. I suck at it. That's pretty much written in stone; I'm trying to decide if I like it enough to keep doing it even though I'm horrible at it.
Many will tell you that I'm a good girlfriend. I'm inclined to agree with them. Once I get passed the dating stage, I'm all good. And truthfully, most of my relationships up to this point in my life skipped the whole dating stage. We'd start "talking", then hangout, and maybe have an official first date. If all that went well and we were both on the same page (which 99% of the time we were), we'd become girlfriends. From there we'd be inseparable and be completely dedicated to each other and being together. Sadly, dating is a whole different story and I just haven't a clue how to do it.
Here's my current situation. I met a girl. We started talking. We hung out and had a great time. We hung out a few more times and had more great times together. We went on a "date" and had a great time. We hung out a few more times and more great times. This is where it all gets murky for me. I have no idea what to do next. She knows I like her and want to date her. I think she likes me and wants to date me. Maybe. At this point am I just supposed to keep doing what I've been doing? Ask her to hangout, maybe go on another date? I'm so uncertain about how often I can ask her out, how often I can text her, how often I can talk to her. I don't want to be one of those girls who over communicates and smothers. I want her to want me. I want her to miss me. I want her to want to spend time with me. I want her to want to talk to me.
And then the demons start their dance. This girl and I, we've been talking and hanging out about two weeks. Add to that the fact that I really kind of like her, a lot. Given my history in the dating world, we are due to stop whatever it is we are doing in about two weeks, maybe less. It's how it always happens. I know I think too much; I should just go with the flow and do what's in my heart and in my head. OK, that's what I've done many times in the past and I always ended up sad and alone. I have to change something otherwise the result will be the same. I'm not sure what I need to change. So I'm thinking and analyzing and thinking and analyzing and driving myself crazy.
I'm fairly sure slowing things down will help, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not texting as much or asking as much. I'm letting it play itself out, as my friends would say, but I keep thinking that if I do nothing I'll get nothing. Don't I have to do something? I mean, what if she takes my inactivity for apathy? Or thinks I don't like her or don't want to date her anymore? What if she drifts away while I'm taking it slow?
I really hate sucking this bad. I don't want to date. I don't. I just want to be. I want to know. I don't want mystery or games or anything like that. I want to like who I like and be able to tell her. I want to like who I like and be able to spend time with her. And not scare her away. That's the kicker. I suck so bad that I scare them all away. I'm still not sure what I do to suck so bad. I'm not mean or nasty or crazy or jealous. I'm nice, pleasant, caring... and boring. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm just boring. Vanilla. Plain. I really have no idea. I'm allowed to suck at pool and two-stepping because they have no impact on my life. Dating is a different story. I have to find a way to get better at it or I'm going to end up alone forever. I don't want to be alone. I want a girlfriend. I want someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to master dating to get to that point. Why can't it be easy for me like writing and shooting free throws?
Many will tell you that I'm a good girlfriend. I'm inclined to agree with them. Once I get passed the dating stage, I'm all good. And truthfully, most of my relationships up to this point in my life skipped the whole dating stage. We'd start "talking", then hangout, and maybe have an official first date. If all that went well and we were both on the same page (which 99% of the time we were), we'd become girlfriends. From there we'd be inseparable and be completely dedicated to each other and being together. Sadly, dating is a whole different story and I just haven't a clue how to do it.
Here's my current situation. I met a girl. We started talking. We hung out and had a great time. We hung out a few more times and had more great times together. We went on a "date" and had a great time. We hung out a few more times and more great times. This is where it all gets murky for me. I have no idea what to do next. She knows I like her and want to date her. I think she likes me and wants to date me. Maybe. At this point am I just supposed to keep doing what I've been doing? Ask her to hangout, maybe go on another date? I'm so uncertain about how often I can ask her out, how often I can text her, how often I can talk to her. I don't want to be one of those girls who over communicates and smothers. I want her to want me. I want her to miss me. I want her to want to spend time with me. I want her to want to talk to me.
And then the demons start their dance. This girl and I, we've been talking and hanging out about two weeks. Add to that the fact that I really kind of like her, a lot. Given my history in the dating world, we are due to stop whatever it is we are doing in about two weeks, maybe less. It's how it always happens. I know I think too much; I should just go with the flow and do what's in my heart and in my head. OK, that's what I've done many times in the past and I always ended up sad and alone. I have to change something otherwise the result will be the same. I'm not sure what I need to change. So I'm thinking and analyzing and thinking and analyzing and driving myself crazy.
I'm fairly sure slowing things down will help, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not texting as much or asking as much. I'm letting it play itself out, as my friends would say, but I keep thinking that if I do nothing I'll get nothing. Don't I have to do something? I mean, what if she takes my inactivity for apathy? Or thinks I don't like her or don't want to date her anymore? What if she drifts away while I'm taking it slow?
I really hate sucking this bad. I don't want to date. I don't. I just want to be. I want to know. I don't want mystery or games or anything like that. I want to like who I like and be able to tell her. I want to like who I like and be able to spend time with her. And not scare her away. That's the kicker. I suck so bad that I scare them all away. I'm still not sure what I do to suck so bad. I'm not mean or nasty or crazy or jealous. I'm nice, pleasant, caring... and boring. Yeah, maybe that's it. I'm just boring. Vanilla. Plain. I really have no idea. I'm allowed to suck at pool and two-stepping because they have no impact on my life. Dating is a different story. I have to find a way to get better at it or I'm going to end up alone forever. I don't want to be alone. I want a girlfriend. I want someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to master dating to get to that point. Why can't it be easy for me like writing and shooting free throws?
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