More and More
I like her. I like her a lot actually. There was a time when I wasn't sure, a time when she liked me more than I liked her, a time when I wasn't sure I was going to like her enough. Then all that changed. I'm not sure when it happened for me. When I started liking her, I mean really liking her. I didn't, then I did. That's about as good as I can describe it. I seem to remember looking at her and seeing her differently. All in one quick moment, just like that. Hmm... Wow... Yes. That's how it was.
Now I struggle. I like her more and more. And more and more. Does she like me more and more? I really don't know. Certainly not like I do. Certainly not with the abandon that I do. She is guarded, closed-off, walled. Truth be told, it's a bigger deal for her than it is for me. I like girls, have for quite awhile now. Liking girls is all new territory for her. And it's huge. For a straight or bisexual woman, deciding that she might want to be in a relationship with a woman isn't easy. A relationship. It's one thing to flirt and fling. It's entirely another to fall in love and maybe make promises and commitments. I'd probably pull away a little too, until I was sure. How does one become sure? I don't know. I wish I did.
So, I like to think that's where we are. I'm liking her more and more and she's trying to not like me more and more. I'm hoping to make it hard on her, maybe even impossible. I want to be here and be perfect for her. I want her to want me. Secretly, just between you and me, I want her to need me. I want her to look at her life and know that I've just gotta be there. The more she resists, the more I want to be irresistible. In short, I'm doing everything I can to make her fall in love with me.
Am I there? Am I in love? No. And no. I'm deeply in like. I enjoy her. I am intrigued by her. I am enthralled. Spirit, mind, and body, I can't seem to get enough. I'm mindful, maybe even a wee bit guarded myself. I'm using this time in the middle, this time before she decides she can't live without me, to decide for myself. So far, so good though. I'm hoping things go my way. Because as it stands right now, I could fall for her. If she was falling for me, I would most definitely be falling for her. But because she is not, I am not. I'm waiting. Which is probably for the best. Better to take it slow.
And as I say that, we (she and I) have started differently than any other relationship I've ever been in. Usually it was jump and jump. Quick, quick, fast, fast. OK yes, traditionally lesbian. We are going slower, much slower, frustratingly slow. However, I can't say it's a bad thing. It honestly may be the right thing. After several failed and/or dead end heartbreaking relationships, I'm pretty sure different is good. What's the saying? Do the same thing over and over and you'll get the same result? Well, I'm doing something vastly different and truly hoping for a different result. I'd like something enduring for a change. Maybe slow will bring endurance. Who knows?
It's hard holding back because there is so much I'd like to say and do. I like her. I like her a lot and I'd give anything if she liked me a lot. That said, I'm so scared of scaring her away. I don't want to push. I want to be patient. I want her to feel like she can come to her decision in her own time. Somehow I feel that if I can do that, just be patient, that it will go my way. That she'll decide being with me is worth the step and worth the risk. That she'll decide she likes me as much as I like her. That she'll start to fall. Which means that ultimately, we can fall. And it'll be okay for me to like her more and more. Because right now I'm trying not to and failing miserable. I really shouldn't, really can't. But I am. More and more.
Now I struggle. I like her more and more. And more and more. Does she like me more and more? I really don't know. Certainly not like I do. Certainly not with the abandon that I do. She is guarded, closed-off, walled. Truth be told, it's a bigger deal for her than it is for me. I like girls, have for quite awhile now. Liking girls is all new territory for her. And it's huge. For a straight or bisexual woman, deciding that she might want to be in a relationship with a woman isn't easy. A relationship. It's one thing to flirt and fling. It's entirely another to fall in love and maybe make promises and commitments. I'd probably pull away a little too, until I was sure. How does one become sure? I don't know. I wish I did.
So, I like to think that's where we are. I'm liking her more and more and she's trying to not like me more and more. I'm hoping to make it hard on her, maybe even impossible. I want to be here and be perfect for her. I want her to want me. Secretly, just between you and me, I want her to need me. I want her to look at her life and know that I've just gotta be there. The more she resists, the more I want to be irresistible. In short, I'm doing everything I can to make her fall in love with me.
Am I there? Am I in love? No. And no. I'm deeply in like. I enjoy her. I am intrigued by her. I am enthralled. Spirit, mind, and body, I can't seem to get enough. I'm mindful, maybe even a wee bit guarded myself. I'm using this time in the middle, this time before she decides she can't live without me, to decide for myself. So far, so good though. I'm hoping things go my way. Because as it stands right now, I could fall for her. If she was falling for me, I would most definitely be falling for her. But because she is not, I am not. I'm waiting. Which is probably for the best. Better to take it slow.
And as I say that, we (she and I) have started differently than any other relationship I've ever been in. Usually it was jump and jump. Quick, quick, fast, fast. OK yes, traditionally lesbian. We are going slower, much slower, frustratingly slow. However, I can't say it's a bad thing. It honestly may be the right thing. After several failed and/or dead end heartbreaking relationships, I'm pretty sure different is good. What's the saying? Do the same thing over and over and you'll get the same result? Well, I'm doing something vastly different and truly hoping for a different result. I'd like something enduring for a change. Maybe slow will bring endurance. Who knows?
It's hard holding back because there is so much I'd like to say and do. I like her. I like her a lot and I'd give anything if she liked me a lot. That said, I'm so scared of scaring her away. I don't want to push. I want to be patient. I want her to feel like she can come to her decision in her own time. Somehow I feel that if I can do that, just be patient, that it will go my way. That she'll decide being with me is worth the step and worth the risk. That she'll decide she likes me as much as I like her. That she'll start to fall. Which means that ultimately, we can fall. And it'll be okay for me to like her more and more. Because right now I'm trying not to and failing miserable. I really shouldn't, really can't. But I am. More and more.
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