Letting It Be
She was beautiful last night. And I was lucky. For a brief moment, she was mine (and I was hers). Then I had to pretend she wasn't. I drank myself into oblivion over wanting her. It's easier to just be when I'm drunk. Otherwise I analyze and analyze. And incidentally, I push her away. I hope she accepts this part of me; accepts that I need to know. That I can't live with murky. That I can't live with mixed messages. Tell me and I'll believe you. Do and I'll know. It's very simple.
I hate walls. Hers, not mine. I don't have them. My walls are down and all the gates and doors and windows are wide open. I'm ready. I want and I'm not afraid of having. She has walls, very much like a lot of the others. When we started she didn't seem to, then like a lot of the others, they grew and grew. I think it's me, something I bring out in them. I give them fear. Some say I'm too intense; I'm too clear about what I want. I am clear. I do know what I want - a woman to stick around more than a month. Beyond that I want a girlfriend and eventually a wife. None of that has to happen tomorrow or even the next day. On down the road would be just fine with me. I'd like to take my time and see where things go. As long as she is clear about where she is and where she wants us to go. They all seem to "what if" a lot. What if they fall in love? What if I leave them? What if they get hurt again? What if they don't? What if I stay? What if they stay? What if we work? This is where the walls and mixed messages seem to come from. At least I think.
Maybe I am too intense. Maybe I speak my mind too freely. Maybe I say too much. Maybe I am too clear about where I may eventually want to go. Maybe I'm too clear about where I am. Maybe I am just destined to be alone because I suck at this and can never get it right. I try. I really do. I try to sit back and let them lead. I try to wait patiently for them to figure out what they want. However, the problem is that I never want them to wonder. I want them to know. I don't send mixed messages or put up walls (as I think about it, that may actually be kind of scary for them). I never want them to be where I am wondering and waiting, pondering and analyzing. I want them to know. I know, so they should know.
I guess I answered my own question - they just don't know. The vacillate between knowing and not knowing. They want to be, then they don't. They think too much. Just like I do. If only we could just let go and let it be (sorry, for the nifty Beatles reference). If we could be in the moment and not worry so much about tomorrow or the next day or twenty years down the road. If we could bury our fears and just love. If we could find our way and simply enjoy the beauty and the luck before us.
I did that last night. I looked at her, so absolutely breathtaking, and stopped. I soaked her and the moment in and thanked God for my luck. In that moment, right then, I let it be. She, me, us, beauty, luck, the past, present, and future. In that moment, I had everything. And I was at peace.
I hate walls. Hers, not mine. I don't have them. My walls are down and all the gates and doors and windows are wide open. I'm ready. I want and I'm not afraid of having. She has walls, very much like a lot of the others. When we started she didn't seem to, then like a lot of the others, they grew and grew. I think it's me, something I bring out in them. I give them fear. Some say I'm too intense; I'm too clear about what I want. I am clear. I do know what I want - a woman to stick around more than a month. Beyond that I want a girlfriend and eventually a wife. None of that has to happen tomorrow or even the next day. On down the road would be just fine with me. I'd like to take my time and see where things go. As long as she is clear about where she is and where she wants us to go. They all seem to "what if" a lot. What if they fall in love? What if I leave them? What if they get hurt again? What if they don't? What if I stay? What if they stay? What if we work? This is where the walls and mixed messages seem to come from. At least I think.
Maybe I am too intense. Maybe I speak my mind too freely. Maybe I say too much. Maybe I am too clear about where I may eventually want to go. Maybe I'm too clear about where I am. Maybe I am just destined to be alone because I suck at this and can never get it right. I try. I really do. I try to sit back and let them lead. I try to wait patiently for them to figure out what they want. However, the problem is that I never want them to wonder. I want them to know. I don't send mixed messages or put up walls (as I think about it, that may actually be kind of scary for them). I never want them to be where I am wondering and waiting, pondering and analyzing. I want them to know. I know, so they should know.
I guess I answered my own question - they just don't know. The vacillate between knowing and not knowing. They want to be, then they don't. They think too much. Just like I do. If only we could just let go and let it be (sorry, for the nifty Beatles reference). If we could be in the moment and not worry so much about tomorrow or the next day or twenty years down the road. If we could bury our fears and just love. If we could find our way and simply enjoy the beauty and the luck before us.
I did that last night. I looked at her, so absolutely breathtaking, and stopped. I soaked her and the moment in and thanked God for my luck. In that moment, right then, I let it be. She, me, us, beauty, luck, the past, present, and future. In that moment, I had everything. And I was at peace.
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