Notes from the Red Bird House

I remember now why I don't drink. With my cell phone nearby. It's not just the crushing hangovers. I have this... tendency... to say things I feel the immediate need to apologize for. Why in the Hell would I ever think that was even moderately appropriate? Yeah, I wouldn't. Sober. Admittedly, I'm better than most drunks if all I do is send a few text messages. Still, it bothers me. I'm better than this. Sober. Yes, sober. Which I am most of the time. God, I'm her. That girl, the one who can't handle her alcohol. Sure, I stopped short of PI and/or a Drunk & Disorderly arrest, but still... I can't handle it AND a social life. 'I'm sure your body feels damn good...'. Some may say she was begging for that response. I'm not a believer. It was innocent conversation that my drunk ass took down a road she never expected. How do I know (which another friend asked)? Hmm... No response speaks volumes, don't you think? Of course, she could be...

'Hold on Hold on to yourself For this is gonna hurt like hell...' Part of me wishes that it hurt like Hell. I want that. I want that Love. Love with a capital L. I want someone I want with everything I have, every last bit of faith and hope and that last sliver of destiny, too. I want to love so hard that I know I may eventually be destroyed. I want that courage. I want to face that fear and hold on. I want her. The One. Not one of The Ones. Just her. Whoever she may be. Because I really don't know. I don't even have an idea. An inkling? Maybe. I'd be more likely to say it's nothing more than a wish. An item on my Bucket List maybe. 'What is it in me that refuses to believe This isn’t easier than the real thing...' It wasn't anything close to the real thing. I pretended, I did. I'm good at that. Pretending. I said that I was practicing. For when the real one came along. As if she will ever come. I have to leave this one behind. It's...

I'm pretty sure that many people breathed a sigh of relief a few weeks ago when I finally came out as a Christian. I'm sure they thought it meant the end of my anti-Christian diatribes, debates, and soap box races. After all, I'm a Christian now. That should mean that I chant the company line, shouldn't it? I'll thump the Bible with effervescence and freak Jesus like a hip-hop sagger on a hottie in Apple Bottoms. You're right. It should mean all that and more. Yet..... Sadly for many, it doesn't. If anything, being a Christian makes me more critical than ever before. Hell, I actually LIKE Jesus now and have a vested interest in the (mis)interpretation of his word. Let's get it straight - Christianity is most certainly not off the hook. Let's begin with Christmas, shall we? Tis the season for bashing Christianity. I can't see myself stopping my long standing tradition, especially now. Everyone loves Christmas, right? It's that time of year w...

Tonight I am focusing on Grace. Because there just has to be some. There always has been before, even when it was far worse than this, so I think I'm pretty safe. This time sucks. Before Grace, I mean. Between the end and the next beginning, when Grace becomes pretty much self-evident. Until then, I'm going to think about the beauty of that eventual Grace and how good this sweet tea vodka tastes. I am alive and breathing, if a bit disappointed. I still have me. And ultimately that may be Grace enough.

I guess it's the idea of it. Some day she could want to date me. Maybe. She might. You never know. She dates girls and I date girls. This alone gives me hope. I'm cool with hope. I mean it's no guarantee. No way. It's a long shot if ever there was a long shot, but there is always hope. Always. Even if no one else believes it could ever happen. The only person that needs to believe is me. Well, and eventually her, I imagine. Because if she never believes, like I believe, then there is no reason for me to hope. So, I must believe in her and in me. And in hope, too. Because really without hope, life would be boring and, well, hopeless. And what good is that? So, tonight in my sleeplessness, I will think about the idea of it, she and me I mean, and hope that some day there is enough hope in both of us.

"It's not a 'forever' thing and I most definitely refuse to use the word 'never'." ~ Stacee Ann Harris, in 'Sane Sobriety' I wanted to quote that back to everyone lest they think that I forgot what I wrote just a few days ago. Yes, I said I was choosing sane sobriety over insane drunkenness and I still stand by that. Of course that was before a pretty girl asked me to have drinks (technically she asked me to have lunch, but since it was time for happy hour and I'd already had lunch, I had a margarita...or two. More on that in a minute). As I stated before (and re-stated above), I never say never. I may be sober, but I'm not stupid. A pretty girl is ALWAYS a reason to have a drink, even when taking the Anti-Everything pills (AEPs). They require moderation, not suplication. So, I had a couple margaritas today. Trust me, that's all I needed. A couple was more than plenty. It's amazing how quickly your tolerance for alcohol goes awa...

A few days ago my mother inquired, via email, if I would be celebrating Christmas this year. She figured that since I'm now a Christian and Christmas is therefore now 'my' holiday that I might change my stance and actually celebrate. My answer? 'I'm a Christian, Mom. That doesn't mean that I suddenly became a Capitalist'. She thought it was funny and asked again for my Christmas list. My mom doesn't care whether I celebrate or not. She celebrates and, for her, it's as much in the giving as in the receiving. I let her give; she knows I won't give back. It seems to work for us, as unfair it may seem from the outside looking in. You can call me stingy all you want, but I'm at least honest. I'm a conscientious objector. If I could avoid the holiday in its entirety, I would. You see my long standing disenchantment with Christmas has more to do with blatant Capitalism than it ever did Christianity. I've always been cool with the Christian...