Notes from the Red Bird House

There comes a point in time when I really need to stop talking. And by 'talking', what I really mean is texting. Trust me. I'm not brave enough to say many of the things I'm easily able to text. Texting lets me hide which makes me substantially more courageous. Damn the luck. I always seem to send one too many, especially when I'm a couple mango margaritas North of sober. Damn the mango margaritas. It's where it all started to begin with. Ok, it's not where it 'started' started (that was my living room), but it was certainly where I found the balls to start it. Again. I'm really not sure what I did exactly. It was a drunken pronouncement. Drunken. I'm generally not at my best when drinking. Sadly, I usually recall that fact far too late. Damn the luck again. Take tonight. I should have left well enough alone. And I would have. Sober. Alas, I was (and am) two mango margaritas in and decisively not sober. For the record, I wasn't (am not)...

'I don't need a girlfriend. Hell, I barely want one'. ~ Stacee Ann Harris, November 2010 Last night I stumbled upon that statement while reading some older blogs. Truthfully, a similar thought had been rattling around in my head for a month or better, so it was actually kind of odd that I 'accidentally' found it last night. Coincidence? I think not. I'm beginning to see that this is where I live. And by 'this', I mean girlfriend-free. Don't get me wrong, I like the 'idea' of a girlfriend, but that's probably as far as I'm willing to go with it. I'm not going to say that's why my last relationship ended because that was all kinds of about her and the inconsistency in her decision making (we'll just leave it at that). However, if I'd needed a girlfriend I'd probably still be with her. Thankfully, I didn't. Which is what led me to make the above statement a week before I'd finally had enough of her bulls...

I'm thinking about going off the AEPs for awhile. For the uninitiated, that's short hand for the 'Anti-Everything Pills' I take, otherwise known as generic Zoloft. I re-started taking them six months ago because I started having UDA (short hand for 'Undifferentiated Anxiety', meaning anxiety with no apparent cause) again.  Before it could get out of hand, I hopped back on the pills. I'm incredibly thankful that I did. In the past six months, life has gotten good, really good, extremely good and I attribute at least some of that happiness to pharmaceutical intervention. I'm no amateur at this stuff, so I also know that I'm reaching the end of the line and it's time to cycle back off. It's not a decision I'm taking lightly. I mean what if I stop taking them and my life goes to Hell? That would suck. But what if I don't stop taking them and my body gets so used to them that they stop working? That would also suck. The conclusion that I...

I know it's a somewhat unusual position for me, but I am occasionally 'the sober one'. I have fairly well documented stints when I quit drinking and other times when I just choose not to drink for whatever reason. In these moments, I end up 'the sober one'. I don't expect the world to stop or even cut back just because I've stopped or cut back. This means that if I choose to go out, I will more than likely be 'the sober one'. I have to say, it's seldom an enviable position. Drunk and sober don't mix well, especially when I'm the sober one. I'm rational (some may say extremely so). I'm also reasonably analytical (none will say extremely so). On top of all that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and stupidity. When I'm drinking several things happen - I become a little less rational, a little less analytical, and I'm able to deal with a wider range of b.s. and stupid. When I'm sober and everyone else is drinking,...

I'm feeling pretty good about feeling guilty. In truth, I only feel half guilty, but it means I'm making progress; that I'm on my way back. Yesterday I went to the gym after work because I felt guilty for not getting up early to workout before work. Keep reading because ultimately that's not what I'm feeling guilty about. It had been a long day. I worked later than usual and had an extraordinarily busy day. It was absolutely amazing to me that I followed through and actually went to the gym as planned. The 'old' Me of a few months ago wouldn't have. She would have gone home, had dinner, and been lazy. Going to the gym never would have entered her consciousness. Thankfully, I'm not that person anymore. I'm the new-and-improved Me. So last night, it was 6:30pm by the time I made it to the gym. The only good thing about going that late (on St. Patrick's Day during South x Southwest) is that it's less crowded. Miraculously I was able to get...

'You fulfill my fantasy...in my head.' ~ J. Derulo I'm not thinking it's a bad idea. Having my fantasies fulfilled in my head, I mean. It beats thinking that they'll actually come true in real life. Invariably unfulfilled fantasies, especially the ones that seem borderline realistic, lead to a host of psychological consequences, including lowered self-esteem and ego-deflation. My psyche isn't delicate, but it doesn't need to be tested. Being able to live out my actual fantasies, while a potentially fun idea, could have disastrous ramifications. I've had plenty of those over the years, so I think I'm fairly content to keep well enough in my head. When I think 'fantasy' I think eventual mess. That's why this fulfilling fantasies in the head seems like a fabulous idea. For example... 1. It's a lot less heartbreaking because given that it's my fantasy, I get to dictate how it ends. 2. Less chance of disease transmission (se...

Last Sunday I went in-line skating for the first time since moving to Austin. A friend had told me long ago about the 'Veloway', but I'd never ventured out there. Turns out, it's a kick-ass place to skate. It's a little hillier than I'm used to and the pavement is cracked and rough in spots, however it still more than decent. Each 'lap' is roughly three miles and, other than the occasional snake people keep mentioning, it seems pretty safe. It's actually kind of nice to be surrounded by 'human wheels'. Everyone out there is interested in riding or skating so it's a much better atmosphere than the gym. Gym people are doing the minimum; the folks at the Veloway seem to be pushing themselves beyond that. I know I did. Speaking of, I really thought I'd be sore after my adventure last weekend. I hadn't skated in well over a year and we did two laps, about six miles. I think I already mentioned the hills. That was a whole new experien...

She will be in Central Texas three weeks from today. Because she loves these things, I'm going to see about a Top Ten list. 1. It's cool being the president of a club. Until you realize that you've been elected President of the Celibacy Club (Yep, I'm born-again in a sad way that says far too much about my life and those occasional mind-blowing droughts). 2. When you get to thinking that I'm you, you might want to get to remembering that I'm not. 3. Even though miserable people may look at you funny, there is nothing wrong with being happy. 4. The worst bar night of the year (otherwise known as 'the start of daylight savings') is invariably followed by more daylight which means more and longer Happy Hours on the patio. 5. When you realize that what's left of you is more than you started with, you'll know you've reached a whole new level of sanity. 6. It's amazing how quickly memories return when you sluff off twenty years of ...

For ease of understanding, let's just call it a 'self-help seminar'. I agree that it's probably a simplistic term used to describe a much broader experience, but for ease of understanding we're going to go with it. I attended a self-help seminar this afternoon. Truthfully, I'm supposed to still be there. All the way until Sunday evening still there. Obviously, I'm not. And why not? Because I just don't feel like I need that much help (I'm going to add a word of caution here - I've already been told that all of my reasons for ditching out early are rationalizations. Uh, yeah... I'm well aware of that fact. Name an explanation for ANYTHING that isn't a rationalization. I gotcha there, didn't I? The great thing about living life on my own terms is that I can rationalize it any way I want. Pretty cool, huh?). Here's the thing - the people at that seminar have PROBLEMS. Huge big needing all caps PROBLEMS. In comparison, I've got ...

'In the darkness that surrounds you, are you hiding from the light?' from 'The Middle of the Night' by Pat Green For a moment, I feared the sound of silence in my soul. My entire world was silent, dark, lonely. I was alone, totally and completely alone. I had nothing and no one. Except myself. And then when I looked inside, I found that everything I had once relied upon had disappeared. I couldn't handle the truth of loneliness and was so far from strong enough.  I fumbled and stumbled. I sputtered and struggled. With my light so dim, I stood at the bottom of the deepest abyss and looked up into nothingness. So stripped and so lonely, I listened. My soul was quiet. I could hear only silence, a cavernous and deafening silence. I wouldn't last long like this. I wanted desperately to go Home, to be away from here. I needed something, someone - a friend, God, a shrink, a steady dose of xanax, a suicide cocktail. I'd have taken anything at that point. Anyt...

The other evening as I was heading out for my walk, I passed a man at the playground in my neighborhood. He had two small blond girls with him. One was maybe four, the other barely a toddler. They had a real nice high-tech stroller and a frisky white yellow lab that frolicked nearby. The man looked tired, worn out, and unhappy. Of course the discontent that I sensed could have been momentary - a stressful day at work, his wife having to work late, or a third child sick at home, however it gave me pause to think. For all intents and purposes, this guy is living the American dream - nice house in a nice neighborhood, marriage, cute kids, cute dog, good career. It's what we're taught to aspire to as children - a life in middle America. If we can only attain all that, our happiness is guaranteed. It's what everyone should want and what everyone should strive for, yet more people living this so-called 'perfect' life seem overworked and unfulfilled. Maybe it's because...