Notes from the Red Bird House

There's something that I need to write, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it would be safer to say, 'I need to write', however I think my desire is more about content than activity. Still, I'm no closer to knowing what that content is supposed to be. Sometimes God writes for me; He sends me The Words and I meander about until I can quiet my mind enough to listen. This morning might be one of those times. For some reason, He has me up early and writing. What y'all can't tell is that I paused for a moment there. I put my 'pen' down, closed my eyes, and waited. Nothing. Not yet anyway. So, in true Stacee Ann Harris fashion, I'm just going to keep writing until I figure out what I'm supposed to be writing about. Because I'm sure there's something. Please bear with me while I sort this out. As an exercise of my free will and the randomness that is my thought process, I'm going to jot down what's in my head and see where it tak...

I'm trying to eat healthier. My roommates and my co-workers are not. I endure a daily bombardment of 'goodies'. There are cakes (yes, plural), cupcakes, Poptarts, M&Ms, fourteen different kinds of cereal, frozen pizzas, cookies, candy hearts, caramel Kisses, and Chipotle Cheese Chex Mix. I have deemed each and every one off-limits, which you'd think would make my life easier, cut and dry even. Not so much. It's a battle. Imagine having a delicious looking marble creme cake sitting on the island in the kitchen for days. Every time you walk past, a significant number of times per day, it calls out to you, begging to be eaten. Imagine three different cakes sitting on the training room table all day at work. Everyone asks you if you want a piece and promises that they are 'light', fruity even, and above all not damaging to a healthy diet. Add to that incessant invitations to lunch, dinner, and drinks and you've got a near impossibly on your hands. How do...

I'm wondering tonight if I'm strong enough. Strong enough to feel it. Strong enough to miss it. I'm happy, even though this is the worst I've felt in months. I don't want to wallow. I don't. Wallowing leads to unhappiness and I don't want to be unhappy. I'm hoping it's just for tonight. I'm hoping I'm strong enough to let it be just for tonight. Because right now I'm a little homesick, a little love sick. It's times like these that I wonder why I left. I'm good here. I was great there. Most of the time. Not all the time. And that's what I have to remind myself. But still there every day had the potential to be great. Here I'm good with good because it sure beats where I started. My hope is that one day here will be great and that my memories of there will fade to good. It happened before. There was great. Here was good. Then here was great and there was good. Of course then I left there for here and great became good. Actu...

I fell asleep with the words 'Letting Go' ringing in my head. I was tired so I didn't have much brain power to focus on them at the time. As luck would have it, I woke with the same words in my head, so 'letting go' it is this morning. Those words actually have a lot of meaning for me. I'm fond of saying 'it's what I do'. I'm frightfully good at it and, I believe, a much better person because of it. You see, after a childhood of being able to cling to, I've spent a good share of my adult life having to 'let go'. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. As kids we're safe, cared for, and oblivious. I, for one, am happy about that. Life was easy as a kid for me - I had parents who loved me and taught me to see and seek the best in myself; I lived in the same room from the time I was three until I left for grad school at twenty-three; I had friends that started kindergarten and graduated high school with me; I was smart enough...

'Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.' ~ from Sara Evans, 'A Little Bit Stronger' A year ago this week, I almost killed myself. I've flirted with suicide a number of times before in my life, but this last time was the closest I've ever come. For whatever reason, life fell apart and I found it impossible to cope. It was the lowest I've ever been and without the help of an incredible shrink, couple good friends, and some kick-ass pharmaceuticals, I am certain I would be dead right now. I say that matter-of-factly. I don't think it makes me cool or sympathetic. I think it makes me a lot like a lot of other people. Today, though, I take nothing for granted. I am thankful for my strength, my happiness, and my faith. I saw the darkness and lived to tell. I think that's pretty amazing. Now a year later, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I know I've said that several times in my life and I promise you that each and every tim...

I got in trouble a few years back for referring to something I called a 'yard pass' in conjunction with a friend of a friend's inability to go out without her girlfriend's permission. I don't recall my exact words, but I'm sure I said it with an incredulous sarcasm that was assuredly rooted in the truth. If it wasn't the truth, she wouldn't have reacted as strongly as she did. It's common, the need for a 'yard pass'. While I may have utilized a specific example all those years ago, I could have generalized to most committed relationships. What is a 'yard pass'? Originally it was a prison term used to describe a prisoner's ticket to momentary freedom. With a yard pass, he (or she) could spend time in the yard, outdoors. I'm sure it's a coveted item, the yard pass. I'd hate being cooped up in a cell all day and would long for fresh air and a chance to stretch my legs. The term eventually became 'urban speak' fo...

I probably wonder why too often for my own good. I trust God, but that doesn't keep me from being curious. I wonder about my path and what comes next. I wonder why I'm alone. I wonder why with everything I feel like I have to offer the world that I don't have more meaningful connections. I wonder about the Grace in all that and if my day will ever come again. I know that whatever God has planned for me is right, good, and correct. However at peace I may be with His decisions, I still have to wonder why. Awhile back I started wishing for peace. God asked what I wanted in this life and I uncategorically insisted it was peace. I rationalized that if I had peace, everything else - happiness, love, connection, financial stability, etc - would be taken care of. The way I saw it, there was no need to wish a bunch of little wishes - for this or that IT Girl to love me, a job I enjoy, good friends, happiness, debt relief, health, weight loss, a positive relationship with Jesus Chr...

I've given up dating dumb girls. I swear it. When you can't remember the last time you dated a smart girl, it's a problem. I'm not afraid to admit that I have a problem. Actually I have several problems - 1) the dating pool is frightfully slim and filled to the brim with dumb girls, 2) I am apparently magnetic for dumb girls. I say this because I seldom attract anything but dumb girls, 3) I tend to date almost anyone who asks (or asks me to ask them). This doesn't mean I continue dating them indefinitely. Generally I date them long enough to figure out that they are dumb, then I eighty-six them (or they eighty-six me which cements their dumb girl status). The good thing about having multiple problems is that there are multiple solutions that work. Admitting that I have a problem is the first step; vowing to correct it is the second. Done. Time to move on to tangible solutions. Ultimately I must give up dumb girls. I know it. My friends know it. My mom knows it. He...

I've come a long way in the last year. My roommate said as much the other day and I couldn't argue with her. Just to prove the point to myself (I'm not usually someone who has to come a long way), I read back through a few of the blogs I wrote when I first moved to Austin. It was easy to see that I was horribly lost and misplaced. I lacked friends and any sort of connection. I made poor choices and while I resisted drinking for quite awhile, I soon succumbed to what might be called borderline functional alcoholism. I was unhappy at work and unhappy at home. I missed everything about my old life; I missed me. It was different here; I was different here. A year ago this week, I reached an all-time low. My misery culminated in serious thoughts of suicide. I joked about Googling a 'suicide cocktail', but I'd really done it. When in a slight moment of rationality I realized that I had saved the 'recipe' on my phone AND had texted friends to get the ingredie...

I'm not exactly ashamed to admit that there are things that I need. What's the lyric? 'I don't want you, but I need you'? I think that's it. Not too long ago I decided that I wasn't going to need anything ever again. Except Maslow's bottom rung that is - the essentials like oxygen, food, water, shelter, and warmth. The rest could go to Hell for all I was concerned. I wasn't going to need a damn thing outside myself and my God. We were going to be good, me and God. That didn't go so well. It didn't take me long to realize that I need my Blackberry and a computer with Internet access. Oh, and a job to pay the bills. The way I see it, if Maslow lived today, he'd include a smart phone and Internet access in his list of basic needs. A job, unless one takes a vow of poverty, is also pretty necessary. I rationalized that I just needed what every other Twenty-first century human needed. I was normal. Above all, I wasn't needy. Then I realiz...