Yet Another Catch-22
According to plan, I started taking my Anti-Everything drugs again this morning. 25mg of Zoloft with a Low-Carb Monster chaser and I was good until lunch. This is shocking, actually, because I am usually ravenous in the morning. Not so today. As much as I hate taking drugs, I'm hoping I can parlay this into a bit of weight loss. If I'm not hungry, I'll eat less. Especially since I've been working on not eating when I'm bored. Given that I'm nearly constantly bored and hungry, I could eat incessantly if I let myself go unchecked. I've gained fifteen pounds in the past six months as it is. Now, if I'm not hungry AND I don't eat when I'm bored, I might actually lose a pound or two or fifteen. Or at least not gain any more.
Yeah, yeah... I'm going to start going to the gym again, too. Eating less is only half the issue. I need to be more active. I am unfit and unhappy because of it. Unfortunately, it's not a primary source of anxiety. If it was, I might be able go to the gym instead of take drugs. No such luck there. At least for the moment, I need the drugs. I need to go Anti-Everything, which incidentally means anti-everything including energy. For going to the gym. Needless to say, weight loss is going to be slow and dependent upon drug side-effects. Yay. Go me.
I write often of Catch-22s (so much that I probably should read a little Joseph Heller. If I were a reader, I mean). It seems that my life is full of them. And rationalizations. If not for 'this', I would do that. But 'that' prevents 'this'. Circular reasoning. The classic no-win situation. Here's another - I live paycheck to paycheck, but I could save money if I moved home, but I make a lot of money which makes it nearly impossible to transfer home without taking a pay cut which would prevent me from saving any money. The catch? I'm fuck if I do and fucked if I don't.
And then there's my sanity. It's much more fragile here. So, in my (probably skewed) logic, if I could just move home, I wouldn't need to be anti-everything. My brain would stop spinning needlessly and I'd stop dwelling on minutiae. Soon, though, I will stop spinning and I'll lack any motivation, including the motivation to move home. Which if I could just do would solve probably 95% of my issues.
The conclusion? I can't move home because I can't move home. It is the ultimate circular logic and it damns me to here. Not that here is horrible, because it's not. It's just that here I need to be anti-everything (especially if it comes with some much needed weight loss) and there I don't. I hate drugs and I'd love to be sane without them. Right now, though, I have no choice. I have to be anti a lot of things so that I can retain a modicum of my sanity. Until I move home. Which I may or may not have the energy to do once I officially become anti-everything. Let's all just settle into a nice little Catch-22, shall we? It's almost better than a rationalization.
Yeah, yeah... I'm going to start going to the gym again, too. Eating less is only half the issue. I need to be more active. I am unfit and unhappy because of it. Unfortunately, it's not a primary source of anxiety. If it was, I might be able go to the gym instead of take drugs. No such luck there. At least for the moment, I need the drugs. I need to go Anti-Everything, which incidentally means anti-everything including energy. For going to the gym. Needless to say, weight loss is going to be slow and dependent upon drug side-effects. Yay. Go me.
I write often of Catch-22s (so much that I probably should read a little Joseph Heller. If I were a reader, I mean). It seems that my life is full of them. And rationalizations. If not for 'this', I would do that. But 'that' prevents 'this'. Circular reasoning. The classic no-win situation. Here's another - I live paycheck to paycheck, but I could save money if I moved home, but I make a lot of money which makes it nearly impossible to transfer home without taking a pay cut which would prevent me from saving any money. The catch? I'm fuck if I do and fucked if I don't.
And then there's my sanity. It's much more fragile here. So, in my (probably skewed) logic, if I could just move home, I wouldn't need to be anti-everything. My brain would stop spinning needlessly and I'd stop dwelling on minutiae. Soon, though, I will stop spinning and I'll lack any motivation, including the motivation to move home. Which if I could just do would solve probably 95% of my issues.
The conclusion? I can't move home because I can't move home. It is the ultimate circular logic and it damns me to here. Not that here is horrible, because it's not. It's just that here I need to be anti-everything (especially if it comes with some much needed weight loss) and there I don't. I hate drugs and I'd love to be sane without them. Right now, though, I have no choice. I have to be anti a lot of things so that I can retain a modicum of my sanity. Until I move home. Which I may or may not have the energy to do once I officially become anti-everything. Let's all just settle into a nice little Catch-22, shall we? It's almost better than a rationalization.
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