Disengagement
I feel like I'm drifting away. Well, kind of. I'm saying it's due to the Anti-Everything pills, though if pressed I'd have to admit that it started before I started taking them again. Maybe they've made it worse. I don't know.
That's pretty much it these days - I don't know. I don't think much therefore I don't know much. I have thoughts but they seldom seem to congeal into anything that makes sense. I skip from one thought to the next and forget most of what I just thought. Like if you asked me what was running through my head just before I sat down to write, I couldn't tell you. I know the word 'disengagement' was in there somewhere, but as to where it came from and why, I am clueless. I am a stream of consciousness. Minus the consciousness apparently.
What occupies my mind these days? Paint (because of my new job), college football, religion, God, maybe baseball occasionally, sometimes food but not as often as you'd think, my girlfriend (yes, I do have one), assorted other friends, clever things to say on Facebook, why I'm not writing, my daily Bible chapters, and not much more. It comes. It goes. I don't spend much time on any one thing. I can't say why. It's just what is right now.
It occurred to me this afternoon that I almost never leave the house anymore. Except for work of course. I'm broke and my two closest friends moved away. I don't really have anywhere to go anyway. In any case, it saves me a lot of money. Of course, there's a pretty big downside. I feel totally disengaged. It's not purposeful. I'm not going crazy or agoraphobic. I just never go anywhere. It's sort of like a hibernation. I guess I prefer to call it a 'retreat'. In fact, I don't text or call many people and I find myself on Facebook less and less. Sure, I go home to Texarkana once a month or so, but that's it for social interaction. Otherwise, I am alone. And really pretty cool with it.
As we mentioned before, it's not because I'm so deep in thought or lost in myself. I just enjoy the calm that being alone brings. I can feel free to think or not think, be or not be. I can sleep walk through a day or completely engage it. I find a stumble around most days somewhere between total disengagement and rapture. Usually it's a manic five minutes of something followed by five minutes of the something else. How I switch from one to the other is beyond my reasoning.
Increasingly I find that I am sliding towards disengagement and amotivation. I have more goals and dreams than I've had in years, and yet I can't get my brain off its ass to think a coherent and/or cohesive thought. I'm not sure if this is due to my disengagement and amotivation or the cause of my disengagement and amotivation. All I know is that I have a lot to get done in the next sixty-two years (I plan to live to be 103) and it's not going to get done sitting on the couch watching college football or wondering what my best selling paint was last week. I need to research Divinity Schools, finish a novella and start another, and publish a book of my blogs. And that's just for starters. But no... I'm far too in love with calm and peace and Me to do much of anything. Except disengage.
The collateral damage? My writing. When I actually motivate myself to write, I write really boring stuff. Sorry for that. Disengage from the world and have zero motivation to do anything and you'll be boring, too. Thankfully I'm choosing to write less and less. You'd think that would give me more time to do fun stuff, like hang out with friends and drink too much, that I could then write about. Sadly, that has not yet been the case.
I don't know what the cure is. Evidently, it's not Anti-Everything pills. Granted my anxiety has leveled off, but I'm drifting farther into unfocused blah. I suppose at some point I'll get sick of me and venture out (I can be aggravating at times). Until then I should probably just settle in and take it for what it is - a relaxing nearly mindless time of disengagement. And that's about all the thought I can put into this one. It's time to move onto something else.
That's pretty much it these days - I don't know. I don't think much therefore I don't know much. I have thoughts but they seldom seem to congeal into anything that makes sense. I skip from one thought to the next and forget most of what I just thought. Like if you asked me what was running through my head just before I sat down to write, I couldn't tell you. I know the word 'disengagement' was in there somewhere, but as to where it came from and why, I am clueless. I am a stream of consciousness. Minus the consciousness apparently.
What occupies my mind these days? Paint (because of my new job), college football, religion, God, maybe baseball occasionally, sometimes food but not as often as you'd think, my girlfriend (yes, I do have one), assorted other friends, clever things to say on Facebook, why I'm not writing, my daily Bible chapters, and not much more. It comes. It goes. I don't spend much time on any one thing. I can't say why. It's just what is right now.
It occurred to me this afternoon that I almost never leave the house anymore. Except for work of course. I'm broke and my two closest friends moved away. I don't really have anywhere to go anyway. In any case, it saves me a lot of money. Of course, there's a pretty big downside. I feel totally disengaged. It's not purposeful. I'm not going crazy or agoraphobic. I just never go anywhere. It's sort of like a hibernation. I guess I prefer to call it a 'retreat'. In fact, I don't text or call many people and I find myself on Facebook less and less. Sure, I go home to Texarkana once a month or so, but that's it for social interaction. Otherwise, I am alone. And really pretty cool with it.
As we mentioned before, it's not because I'm so deep in thought or lost in myself. I just enjoy the calm that being alone brings. I can feel free to think or not think, be or not be. I can sleep walk through a day or completely engage it. I find a stumble around most days somewhere between total disengagement and rapture. Usually it's a manic five minutes of something followed by five minutes of the something else. How I switch from one to the other is beyond my reasoning.
Increasingly I find that I am sliding towards disengagement and amotivation. I have more goals and dreams than I've had in years, and yet I can't get my brain off its ass to think a coherent and/or cohesive thought. I'm not sure if this is due to my disengagement and amotivation or the cause of my disengagement and amotivation. All I know is that I have a lot to get done in the next sixty-two years (I plan to live to be 103) and it's not going to get done sitting on the couch watching college football or wondering what my best selling paint was last week. I need to research Divinity Schools, finish a novella and start another, and publish a book of my blogs. And that's just for starters. But no... I'm far too in love with calm and peace and Me to do much of anything. Except disengage.
The collateral damage? My writing. When I actually motivate myself to write, I write really boring stuff. Sorry for that. Disengage from the world and have zero motivation to do anything and you'll be boring, too. Thankfully I'm choosing to write less and less. You'd think that would give me more time to do fun stuff, like hang out with friends and drink too much, that I could then write about. Sadly, that has not yet been the case.
I don't know what the cure is. Evidently, it's not Anti-Everything pills. Granted my anxiety has leveled off, but I'm drifting farther into unfocused blah. I suppose at some point I'll get sick of me and venture out (I can be aggravating at times). Until then I should probably just settle in and take it for what it is - a relaxing nearly mindless time of disengagement. And that's about all the thought I can put into this one. It's time to move onto something else.
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