Just Dreams

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'And you don't hold my dreams
Like you did before...'

~  from 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore' by Lady Antebellum


Once upon a time, I held all my own dreams. Assuredly they changed throughout the years, but they were mine, all mine. I wanted to go to med school, play college tennis, win an Academy Award, play the drums, sing in a band, get a PhD and teach at a major university, play varsity basketball, pass algebra, go to Australia, learn to surf, become famous, graduate high school, go to the Air Force Academy, pilot the Space Shuttle, pitch a no-hitter, run a marathon, date a cute boy, and so on and so on. I can't say I made too many come true, but that's far beside the point. I did what I could and it's been a good life. I graduated from college, played college tennis, went to Australia, passed algebra, ran a marathon, and pitched a 1-hitter. I ended up dating girls instead of boys, but I've dated my share of cute ones.

And that's where the problem began. When I started dating, I started giving up. I let being with someone be my only dream. I lived through them and let them hold my dreams. Love was enough and apparently all that mattered to me. It's not that I was desperate, lonely, or felt unloved; I'd always found everything I needed within myself. I suppose the alignment of my dreams with their dreams was just another way I expressed my love. My wants and needs paled in comparison to theirs (at least in my mind) and, in the grander scheme, I probably didn't care one way or the other. After all, dreams are just dreams.

Truth be told, I've never been very goal-oriented. That's why I can say that dreams are just dreams. I accomplished the bare minimum in life and then became content. I don't see this as a bad thing. Others tell me I could do so much more with my life; that I need to do so much more with my life. I should be published, go back to school, get a promotion, make more money, run another marathon... The list goes on and on. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on what side of the fence you're sitting on), I don't care about any of that. I have everything I need and aspire to something far less material. Maybe that's why it was so easy to let them hold my dreams.

You see, I didn't become an officer in the Navy because a girl didn't like the idea of being a Navy wife (and I didn't like the idea of being gay in the Navy). Then I rode someone else's dream to Texas (which turned out exponentially better than it started). After that, I went into debt in an effort to let someone else live her dreams and got used in the process. I can't say I regret any of these decisions. It all had to happen to get me to this place. Was it part of God's plan? I'm really not sure about that.  

These days my dreams are different. After months of soul searching, I determined that the only thing I want in life is peace. Peace. This peace comes exclusively through spiritual pursuits - not published books, new careers, good investments, or cute girlfriends. I have much to accomplish and discover within myself. I'm not saying that I'm going to retire into myself and live a near agoraphobic life. Actually, it's just the opposite. I need the outside world. It's where I see the expression of God in daily life and where I find Grace, Glory, blue skies, sweet tea vodka, and good laughs with friends. All that said, I have a few things I'd like to accomplish with my ever-evolving spirit - I want a be a spiritual leader, continue to open minds, and be integral in the eventual sanctification of Judas (yes, THAT Judas). Little things assuredly, but they are nonetheless important to me.

People look at me funny when I say that I like being single. They think I'm rationalizing because I just can't find a girlfriend. Honestly, I'm single because it's easier. 99.9% of people don't 'get' my dreams or my calling. They think I am borderline ridiculous at best and institutionalizable at worst. Because of all this my dreams will never really matter to anyone besides me. While a girlfriend/wife/partner may tolerate my eccentricities, she will never be able to fully embrace them and I will end up holding her dreams rather than my own. I will never allow this to happen again. 

Therefore, I am steadfast, single, and completely in control. Well, as much as anyone can be in control. I'm sure God has some say, but I haven't decided how much He really does have. Maybe one day I will meet that person who is one percent of one percent and she will understand. Oh, and she won't expect me to hold her dreams anymore than she will expect herself to hold mine. Of course I'm not waiting on that one. I'm cool with it just being me and God. Yeah, I'm lucky that way.

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