Notes from the Red Bird House

"Today, I thought about the moment I could have said I loved her And promised her forever together Today, today it really hit me That she don't really miss me She's found a new beginning And I'm wishing I had one more chance God knows it's too late for that." ~from "Today" by Gary Allan For better or worse, this will never be me. Oh, it'll be me to an extent. It already has a couple times. I've had them leave me and marry someone else. I've had to heal and move on. I've seen the ring, heard them say "I love you", even listened to them have sex. I've been on the Break Up Diet. I've watched them and their new beginning. I've missed them knowing they didn't miss me. I've wished I had one more chance - on stars, shooting stars, 11:11, and before blowing out birthday candles. I've prayed to God and shouted at the wind. I've asked my Obi Wan 8 Ball. I've consulted psychics and read tarot cards. I...

I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I think a lot, but that doesn't get me very far. What do I think about? Women, life, happiness, getting laid, falling in love, flirting, though not necessarily in that order. Mostly my thoughts involve fictional characters that are only marginally based on me. They're me, but cooler, prettier, stronger, better educated, and more articulate. They are also apparently a lot luckier than me because they routinely get hit on, asked out, flirted with, and laid. They also usually have at least one other character who professes her undying love and devotion. Ok, so there isn't much that we (me and the characters based on me) have in common. However, we do all live in Austin (at least currently), drive a beat up 2005 Nissan Xterra, listen to country music, and write (though the others are much more successful than me). Maybe one day I will get to live one of my stories. Of course, I have this not-so-irrational fear that if I think it, it'll n...

To be honest, I thought up the title to this blog first. "Only Everything". It sounded good and it was what was running through my head at the moment. I'm not sure where this thing will go, if anywhere, but here we are so let's get going. I get accused of it often. The longer I'm single, the more I hear it. Everyone seems to think that I am too picky. Apparently there are plenty of available women I could date, but I set my standards too high. I'm looking for perfection. I'm looking for everything. I'd like to correct this. I want everything that is a fact. Why should I settle for less? I'd argue that almost everyone settles for less. They do, I promise you. And where does that leave them? Somewhere between not quite okay and horrifically miserable. I hear a lot about these relationships (call it venting or bitching) and I'm pretty sure I don't want one. Why would I when I'm so happy being single? Yeah, I don't get it. Settling... ...

I guarantee you most people would say I should feel guilty. It's a damn shame I don't. I honestly wish I'd done more so maybe I could feel guilty. Sadly, I spent too much of the very limited time I had talking. Talking. Fuck me. Shut up, Stacee. I assure you when the opportunity arises again (and I will make damn sure that it does), I'm going to put myself in the position to feel extremely guilty. Kissing someone's wife is one thing (that apparently doesn't produce much guilt in me), but going farther? Yeah, that miiiight do the trick. After all, there's a first for everything. God knows, I've made a career out of "being with" (let's call it that) married and otherwise involved women (I'll do the math for you in a minute), but I have never once felt an ounce of guilt. Oh, I've been judged. As recently as last night. Everyone blames me for crossing lines. I want it on the record ONE MORE TIME that I have never crossed a line. THEY cr...

I've got this idea in my head. What if I installed a ball-hitch on the Xterra and pared my life down so that it would fit in a U-Haul trailer (one of those enclosed ones)? If I kept myself fluid and debt free, I could feasibly pick up my life and move in an instant. One day I could be here and the next I could be moving onto someplace else. I'm not sure why that seems comforting to me. Most people want to establish roots, BE somewhere. Not me. I guess I'm just different. I've spent most of my adult life searching for 'home'. After nearly twenty years of searching, I've come up with nothing. Flashes maybe, but that's it. I don't hold out much hope that I'll ever find it. So, I might as well give over to it and enjoy my home-less existence. What if I stayed here a year then move on? I work for the perfect company and have the perfect lifestyle. I really could do it. Let's see. What would I need? Definitely my bed, the 'big chair', the a...

I can't recall the last time I did a Top Ten list blog. I know it's been awhile. I started one maybe a month ago but stopped at 3 or 4. The old adage my mom used to say all the time when I was a kid, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", kept coming to mind. I probably should have stopped this one and deleted it. I'm not sure where I've gone. I used to be so happy. Not so much these days. Sorry about that. 1. If you wish your boyfriend or girlfriend was different, it might be a sign that you need a different boyfriend or girlfriend. 2. The cure for anxiety is NOT quote-unquote 'nerve pills'. It's avoiding whatever brings you anxiety. It's pretty damn simple and a hell of a lot cheaper. 3. If you're going to be broke, don't move to a fun city. Stay in the boring town you've lived in for six and a half years. 4. If you keep breaking up and getting back together with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it might...

I try so hard, but it seems like I'm the only one. Maybe I am crying for nothing. Maybe it's my problem. I am a rock. I am an island. My choice? No, more like my rationalization. I respond by saying I don't need anyone. That I want to be alone. That I prefer to be alone. I suppose it's true to a certain extent. I'm picky. I don't want just anyone. There are those I want, those I miss, those I need. And funny... They are the ones who don't want, miss, or need me. Even though it's funny, I'm not laughing. Not even a wry, cynical, smirking laugh. I use the term 'funny' as turn of phrase more than anything. I'm not afraid to cry. I do it a lot. Inside mostly. Like right now. Tears are falling. No one can see them because no one is here. No one is ever here. Except me. I can want, miss, and need until I am totally exhausted. I can try and try and try again. And it never changes a thing. I am alone.