Of Course Stockholm
Today is about turning fifty. And falling in love again. Being in love again. There was a moment when I doubted my decision. Back maybe a couple months ago. So many places in the world I want to see and experience and I chose to come back to Stockholm? I actually thought that maybe I'd made the wrong decision. That I should have gone somewhere else, shouldn't have been so quick with the ah-ha moment that had me coming back to Scandinavia yet again. Was it my discomfort with new places that let me to take a "safe" way out? Should I have handcuffed my fears to my fearlessness and gone somewhere f***ing new? I mean, Jesus. Don't be a pussy.
But I wasn't being a pussy the day I decided. Fear never entered the equation at all. I distinctly remember the conversation that convinced me. A co-worker and I were discussing his favorite ports of call from his recent Baltic cruise. We talked about Copenhagen - his favorite. And Stockholm - mine. Then it came to me. Why had I spent so much time and energy pondering? Contemplating this destination and that other one? I wanted to celebrate my fiftieth birthday (and start my Spring run-write-cation) someplace special, but where? Malta? The Netherlands? Scotland? Prague? No. No. No. No. I could never settle on one.
Settle. Interesting world. Settle. I could never decide because I didn't want to settle and every place in the world would be settling and not nearly special enough. I recall walking away from that conversation thinking "Of course, Stockholm. Of course." Why had I ever thought about going anywhere else? Why? I could do whatever else, go wherever else, for the rest of my two week trip, but I would be in Stockholm on my birthday. To celebrate a milestone. To start the second half of my life. Yes.
That's exactly what I did today. I woke up on my fiftieth birthday in my favorite place in the world. I'd like to be able to say that I jumped out of bed and looked out the window, maybe even opened the window to let the city in a little (It's great imagery, right?), but my hotel room is windowless. I had to count on the fact that where I went to bed - in the basement of The Scandic Malmen in Sodermalm - was where I woke up. I did go up to breakfast shortly after waking and looked out at the world slowly coming to life. I was in Stockholm. And I was fifty.
There's something about making dreams come true. And there's also something about being in love. Knowing you're in love. Right now, someone is reading this (My mother perhaps) and thinking "Holy shit! Stacee is in Stockholm with someone!!!! Who???? She never told me. Did she meet someone?" Hardly. I know at least one reader has me meeting an amazing Swedish woman while buying a toothbrush (Yes, a toothbrush. She's quite creative). I hate to disappoint everyone (except me) but there's no one. I woke up (thankfully) alone in a windowless hotel room in Stockholm. I ate breakfast alone. I got ready to run alone. I ran alone. I ate lunch alone.Walked the city alone. Shopped for souvenirs alone. Napped alone. Ate dinner alone. And I'm writing this alone.
By alone I mean merely the in the absence of another human being. That said, I am far from alone. The city is all around me. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, touch, taste, smell. It's Stockholm. All of it. I don't think I could ever feel truly alone here. Not here.
Because when you're in love and with the one you love, you never feel alone. This city. I love it more than I have ever loved another place. Sadly, the way I feel rivals what I've felt for most human beings, even those I professed to be in love with. They say we are attracted to other human beings because of pheromones. Can a city have a pheromone? Is that why I've loved Stockholm since the moment I arrived back in April 2017? Is that why I returned in October 2017 and fell even deeper in love? Is that why I'm back now? And why I don't want to leave? And why I know that, even though there is a huge world out there I want to see, I'll be back? And why I know that it will be far sooner than later?
I can't describe it. Yes, I'm a writer. Yes, I know lots of words. None, though, even come close to helping me (or you for that matter) understand what I love so much about Stockholm. The water, the history, the cobblestone streets that threaten to trip you up as you run, the trains, the noise, the people - throngs of people everywhere, the cars, the bicycles, waiting for the walk signal at every corner. It's urban and, in places, it's not that pretty. But I guess that's how love is. It's not always pretty. It's migraines and sinus headaches, bad moods and PMS, sleepless nights and petty arguments, compromise and apology. So while the waterfront along Sodermalarstrand captures me completely, there is a flip-side. I'm not so enamored that I can't or don't or won't see reality. It's busy, expensive, and occasionally too loud. Probably too cold and too dark in the winter. Half the time I can't understand what it's saying. And yet, with each moment that passes, I love it more and more.
I don't even care if it loves me back. This affair one can be one-sided. With my hat tucked down over my ears (Did I mention that it's cold?), I could be any nameless, faceless, voiceless Stockholmer. Or tourist. I could be Swedish or Canadian, Norwegian or American, Finnish or British. No one knows, no one asks, and no one cares. The city included. It is and I am. We exist together yet apart. I am here. My feet touch the ground. I take up space. To me, it's a great day, especially today (Did I mention it's my birthday?). To Stockholm, it's just another day in a long history of days. Warmer than some; colder than others. Lighter or darker. Longer or shorter.
I ran nine miles through the city this morning. Part of my birthday celebration. Even on my best days, I barely tolerate running. I do it because I'm good at it and it burns a monstrous amount of calories. Enjoyment is seldom part of the equation. Get in, get done, get on with the non-running part of the day. Today, though..... Today was different. I ran with joy in my heart, happiness in every step (even the steps that hurt my cramped up hamstring). I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. That's not to say I didn't want to stop when I stopped because I did. Oh, I did. Nine miles on legs that haven't run nine miles in six weeks? Yeah, I was ready to be done.
But what did I do with the rest of my day? I walked and walked and walked some more. Eight and a half miles, almost as far as I ran this morning. There are many ways to enjoy Stockholm. For me, though, the greatest enjoyment comes when I'm on foot, with part of me touching the ground, part of me touching the city.
Did I make the right decision to celebrate my birthday here? Of course, I did. Of course, Stockholm Of course. There is truly nowhere else in the world I would rather be, no one else in the world I would rather be with (And no, I didn't meet anyone. Seriously, read closer). This is where I'm supposed to be, where I'm supposed to start the second half of my life. In the city I love. Screw the rest of the world and all the adventure it brings. I'll see it someday (I'll see Croatia on Thursday, in fact). However, for today and tomorrow, Stockholm is where I will be.
But I wasn't being a pussy the day I decided. Fear never entered the equation at all. I distinctly remember the conversation that convinced me. A co-worker and I were discussing his favorite ports of call from his recent Baltic cruise. We talked about Copenhagen - his favorite. And Stockholm - mine. Then it came to me. Why had I spent so much time and energy pondering? Contemplating this destination and that other one? I wanted to celebrate my fiftieth birthday (and start my Spring run-write-cation) someplace special, but where? Malta? The Netherlands? Scotland? Prague? No. No. No. No. I could never settle on one.
Settle. Interesting world. Settle. I could never decide because I didn't want to settle and every place in the world would be settling and not nearly special enough. I recall walking away from that conversation thinking "Of course, Stockholm. Of course." Why had I ever thought about going anywhere else? Why? I could do whatever else, go wherever else, for the rest of my two week trip, but I would be in Stockholm on my birthday. To celebrate a milestone. To start the second half of my life. Yes.
That's exactly what I did today. I woke up on my fiftieth birthday in my favorite place in the world. I'd like to be able to say that I jumped out of bed and looked out the window, maybe even opened the window to let the city in a little (It's great imagery, right?), but my hotel room is windowless. I had to count on the fact that where I went to bed - in the basement of The Scandic Malmen in Sodermalm - was where I woke up. I did go up to breakfast shortly after waking and looked out at the world slowly coming to life. I was in Stockholm. And I was fifty.
There's something about making dreams come true. And there's also something about being in love. Knowing you're in love. Right now, someone is reading this (My mother perhaps) and thinking "Holy shit! Stacee is in Stockholm with someone!!!! Who???? She never told me. Did she meet someone?" Hardly. I know at least one reader has me meeting an amazing Swedish woman while buying a toothbrush (Yes, a toothbrush. She's quite creative). I hate to disappoint everyone (except me) but there's no one. I woke up (thankfully) alone in a windowless hotel room in Stockholm. I ate breakfast alone. I got ready to run alone. I ran alone. I ate lunch alone.Walked the city alone. Shopped for souvenirs alone. Napped alone. Ate dinner alone. And I'm writing this alone.
By alone I mean merely the in the absence of another human being. That said, I am far from alone. The city is all around me. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, touch, taste, smell. It's Stockholm. All of it. I don't think I could ever feel truly alone here. Not here.
Because when you're in love and with the one you love, you never feel alone. This city. I love it more than I have ever loved another place. Sadly, the way I feel rivals what I've felt for most human beings, even those I professed to be in love with. They say we are attracted to other human beings because of pheromones. Can a city have a pheromone? Is that why I've loved Stockholm since the moment I arrived back in April 2017? Is that why I returned in October 2017 and fell even deeper in love? Is that why I'm back now? And why I don't want to leave? And why I know that, even though there is a huge world out there I want to see, I'll be back? And why I know that it will be far sooner than later?
I can't describe it. Yes, I'm a writer. Yes, I know lots of words. None, though, even come close to helping me (or you for that matter) understand what I love so much about Stockholm. The water, the history, the cobblestone streets that threaten to trip you up as you run, the trains, the noise, the people - throngs of people everywhere, the cars, the bicycles, waiting for the walk signal at every corner. It's urban and, in places, it's not that pretty. But I guess that's how love is. It's not always pretty. It's migraines and sinus headaches, bad moods and PMS, sleepless nights and petty arguments, compromise and apology. So while the waterfront along Sodermalarstrand captures me completely, there is a flip-side. I'm not so enamored that I can't or don't or won't see reality. It's busy, expensive, and occasionally too loud. Probably too cold and too dark in the winter. Half the time I can't understand what it's saying. And yet, with each moment that passes, I love it more and more.
I don't even care if it loves me back. This affair one can be one-sided. With my hat tucked down over my ears (Did I mention that it's cold?), I could be any nameless, faceless, voiceless Stockholmer. Or tourist. I could be Swedish or Canadian, Norwegian or American, Finnish or British. No one knows, no one asks, and no one cares. The city included. It is and I am. We exist together yet apart. I am here. My feet touch the ground. I take up space. To me, it's a great day, especially today (Did I mention it's my birthday?). To Stockholm, it's just another day in a long history of days. Warmer than some; colder than others. Lighter or darker. Longer or shorter.
I ran nine miles through the city this morning. Part of my birthday celebration. Even on my best days, I barely tolerate running. I do it because I'm good at it and it burns a monstrous amount of calories. Enjoyment is seldom part of the equation. Get in, get done, get on with the non-running part of the day. Today, though..... Today was different. I ran with joy in my heart, happiness in every step (even the steps that hurt my cramped up hamstring). I was exactly where I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. That's not to say I didn't want to stop when I stopped because I did. Oh, I did. Nine miles on legs that haven't run nine miles in six weeks? Yeah, I was ready to be done.
But what did I do with the rest of my day? I walked and walked and walked some more. Eight and a half miles, almost as far as I ran this morning. There are many ways to enjoy Stockholm. For me, though, the greatest enjoyment comes when I'm on foot, with part of me touching the ground, part of me touching the city.
Did I make the right decision to celebrate my birthday here? Of course, I did. Of course, Stockholm Of course. There is truly nowhere else in the world I would rather be, no one else in the world I would rather be with (And no, I didn't meet anyone. Seriously, read closer). This is where I'm supposed to be, where I'm supposed to start the second half of my life. In the city I love. Screw the rest of the world and all the adventure it brings. I'll see it someday (I'll see Croatia on Thursday, in fact). However, for today and tomorrow, Stockholm is where I will be.
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