Off and On

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I am my own contradiction. I am. I know this. Nothing with me is set in stone. I reserve the right to change my mind. Which I do quite often. Except when I don't. In essence, I often want what I don't want; need what I shouldn't need. I go back and forth. By the week, by the day, and even by the minute.

I can be steadfast and usually I choose to be so. About most things. I have the ability to withstand cravings and I can save money when motivated to do so. About other things, primarily social things, I'm more quixotic. One day I think I want this; the next I think I want that. I twist in the wind of social acceptance and wish I could be a standard deviation or two closer to 'normal'.

Then I come back to me. The me that I've always been. More or less, though occasionally less than more. The me who is quiet, pays her bills on time, delays gratification, and prefers to be on the outside looking in. The me who chooses to be off the grid more often than on.

It's not always easy and I suppose this is where the contradiction and confusion come in. The world is occasionally a cool place and it leads me to think that life would be more fun out there instead of in here. I try and retreat and try and retreat only to try again. And retreat again.

I'm learning that retreat isn't a bad thing. Of course neither is trying. Maybe one day I'll find a balance. Today, though, is not that day. I'm right where I need to be and wanting exactly what I want to want. Tomorrow might be different. Or next week. Or never. I really don't know when or if  it'll change; when or if  I'll change. It's all good, I suppose. As long as I'm happy. Which I am. I'm off the grid and happy. Go figure.

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