She Does

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At the very moment you say you don't wanna, God says you do. I've spent the better part of two days trying not to remember. It's not that I want to forget. I don't. I've held on for nearly ten years and I'm not going to give it up now. I simply like to pick and choose; in other words, I like control. Not always, but when it comes to her, I have no choice. Control is the only way. If I don't have it, she does. Sort of. I'm sure it's not something she wants. It's just that when it comes to her, it's never easy.

I've been good. Strong even. I told the latest part of the story to a friend tonight and I felt completely in control. Clinical. Yes, clinical. Matter of fact. It's not that I don't care. I do. Potentially too much. Still. This is why I choose to leave her behind. She is part of my past, one of the best parts of my past, but my PAST nonetheless. Gone. Done. Over. Not forgotten, but not often remembered either.

I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm trying to stay sane. She was what she was and what she was was significant. So significant that I am who I because of her. Not entirely because of her, but the current chapter of my life started with her. 'Hello'. Or maybe it was 'Hi'. Or 'Hey'. Yes, 'Hey'. As in 'Hey, what's song #5?' It was 'Sandstorm' by Darude, but this song 'Simply the Best' by Tina Turner was on that CD. And that's where it started tonight, much like it started then.

The two Baby A's Everclear margaritas do little to help, but at least I'm writing when I could be doing a thousand other things more closely related to her. Truthfully, I'd rather be right here in my office on the computer than anywhere else. Anywhere else might lead me (literally or figuratively) to her and I'm not good with that.

The song was God's choice, not mine. A test? Maybe I'd agree if I believed in that. Just God's way of fucking with me? My God is not a vindictive God. If anyone knows her and me, it is Him. There is no cruelty where she and We are concerned. No.......... Tonight, I think I am intended to remember a little, well within control, find a little perspective, sing along, and smile. And  am doing that. If anyone could ever make me smile, she could. She does. For that I am truly thankful.

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