Damn Purpose

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Most nights I want to go to bed. Tonight isn't necessarily one of those nights. I'm tired but I'm off tomorrow and kind of want to take advantage of that. My life has near constant purpose from getting up early to planning my runs and workouts to squeezing in a little writing here and there to working a wild and often crazy retail schedule to going to bed early so I can get up and do it all again.

Sometimes, like tonight, I really, really wish I could fuck it all and just stop. Maybe stay up late and watch a movie I've seen a dozen times or a documentary on some channel I didn't know I had.

I love my life and, don't get me wrong, I know it's a hell of a lot easier and better than the lives of most people I know (the ones who are married with kids or miserable with chronically chaotic girlfriend). I'm blessed with strength, wisdom, and fierce independence. I do what I want when I want. I'm free.

It's just that sometimes I'm not sure if I really want what I want. I enjoy all the purpose, but sometimes I think I like the idea of purpose more than I actually like the purpose. I'm busy all the time, but I never seem to get anywhere. I'm training for this, saving for that, watching what I eat, working on this book or that book, trying to maintain my sanity, and above all earn a paycheck.

It would be nice to be able to stop - stop going, doing, being, running, trying. I'd love to live purpose-free for just a day, maybe two. I could stay up late and sleep in, eat pancakes for breakfast and have French vanilla cream in my coffee. I could run early, late, or not at all. I could skip work, write fiction, and take a long walk at the lake. I could sit on a bench and listen to the wind blow through the trees. I could drink margaritas at happy hour and flirt with a pretty girl. I could shop on-line and spend money imprudently. Or I could just do nothing at all.

Unfortunately, that's not my life and never will be. There are things I want and places I want to go. Purpose, however frustrating and overwhelming, is the only way I'll ever get close. Even at that, it's all a crap shoot. I could be jogging in place on some cosmic treadmill and never actually get anywhere. They say life is a journey not a destination. Blah, blah, blah. Just once, I'd like to get there.

For now, though, it's almost 11:00pm and I should be in bed. Tomorrow is a day off and I have a lot to do. Purpose will get me up by seven, running by ten, and doing laundry somewhere in the middle. I'll try to write and maybe organize my next book before getting ready to go to dinner. At some point I need to go to the gym and walk the dogs. Oh and pay bills with money I never seem to have enough of.

So yes... I need to sleep. I have a big day ahead, so even sleep has purpose. Damn purpose. I can't do anything to avoid it.

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