When Cowardice Speaks First
'Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react.'
~ from 'Falling Slowly' by Glen Hansard
I talk a good game about being fearless. I know what to say and when to say it. About being fearless, I mean. In the battle of love versus fear, you have to go with love every time. Love loves. Fear destroys. Let love lead and leave fear behind. Blah, blah, blah. Sounds great. And it is great. If only I could walk my talk.
Last night I was given an opportunity. It was laid out for me, the perfect opening. All I had to do was walk through and speak my truth. Of course, doing so required me to stand up to my fear and put aside my cowardice. What did I do? I didn't just retreat. I ran. And ran and ran and ran. Until I was out of breath, hands on knees gasping, looking over my shoulder, and praying (PRAYING) that I'd out run the danger.
In truth, there was no danger, just honesty and vulnerability, nothing that a little courage couldn't have cured. Instead, I let cowardice speak first - "Yeah, well I haven't met her yet..." Are you kidding? Are you fucking kidding? You haven't met her yet? She was sitting right in front of you, Dumb Ass, asking you (ASKING YOU) to tell her. She opened the door and you slammed it shut in her face. Smart. Real smart. And damn cowardly.
What I should have said was - "Yes, I would be willing give up my single life for my spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical equal. And I think that person may be you". I should have went with love over fear. Truthfully, you can't get something from nothing. No guts, no glory. Of course, no guts, no rejection either. And that's why I let cowardice speak first. What if? What if? What if it was just a dinner between friends? What if that wasn't the answer she wanted? I could have freaked out a friend and one of my favorite people, then where would I be? Feeling like a dumb ass this morning? Yeah, I'm there anyway.
Argh... So, now I am left hoping I get another chance to stand in my truth. And next time I WILL let courage speak first. I will be emphatic and confident and self-assured. I will put fear aside and find the words I need to say, "It's you. It's you." I may end up the dumb ass yet again, but at least I'll be a courageous dumb ass. I think that's a decided improvement. And you just never know.
~ from 'Falling Slowly' by Glen Hansard
I talk a good game about being fearless. I know what to say and when to say it. About being fearless, I mean. In the battle of love versus fear, you have to go with love every time. Love loves. Fear destroys. Let love lead and leave fear behind. Blah, blah, blah. Sounds great. And it is great. If only I could walk my talk.
Last night I was given an opportunity. It was laid out for me, the perfect opening. All I had to do was walk through and speak my truth. Of course, doing so required me to stand up to my fear and put aside my cowardice. What did I do? I didn't just retreat. I ran. And ran and ran and ran. Until I was out of breath, hands on knees gasping, looking over my shoulder, and praying (PRAYING) that I'd out run the danger.
In truth, there was no danger, just honesty and vulnerability, nothing that a little courage couldn't have cured. Instead, I let cowardice speak first - "Yeah, well I haven't met her yet..." Are you kidding? Are you fucking kidding? You haven't met her yet? She was sitting right in front of you, Dumb Ass, asking you (ASKING YOU) to tell her. She opened the door and you slammed it shut in her face. Smart. Real smart. And damn cowardly.
What I should have said was - "Yes, I would be willing give up my single life for my spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical equal. And I think that person may be you". I should have went with love over fear. Truthfully, you can't get something from nothing. No guts, no glory. Of course, no guts, no rejection either. And that's why I let cowardice speak first. What if? What if? What if it was just a dinner between friends? What if that wasn't the answer she wanted? I could have freaked out a friend and one of my favorite people, then where would I be? Feeling like a dumb ass this morning? Yeah, I'm there anyway.
Argh... So, now I am left hoping I get another chance to stand in my truth. And next time I WILL let courage speak first. I will be emphatic and confident and self-assured. I will put fear aside and find the words I need to say, "It's you. It's you." I may end up the dumb ass yet again, but at least I'll be a courageous dumb ass. I think that's a decided improvement. And you just never know.
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