Silver Linings
I'm in Las Vegas this week with my dad. My sister, who normally provides his once daily daily care - meds and eye drops - is in Hawaii. A year ago, my dad was living in San Diego and I would have discovered that my sister was in Hawaii on Facebook. A lot has changed in a relatively short period of time. I can't say we're all ecstatic - I really enjoyed my annual trips to San Diego and my dad said just yesterday how he wishes he was there and not here. We resolved...well...more me than him...that there are times that we have to embrace what is and make the best of it.
Truthfully, we don't have many options. Dad is where he needs to be - a very nice assisted living facility less than a mile from my sister's house in Las Vegas. My sister visits him once a day to make sure that he gets his eye drops and his medication (at ninety, he's only on two prescription medications). I visit every six weeks or so and, like this week, provide coverage so my sister can take vacations. The level of care he needs isn't possible in San Diego, so here we are. All of us.
Almost every situation has a silver lining if you look hard enough for it. I'm sure for my dad, who had to leave his home and everything he knew behind, silver linings don't come easy. In fact, they might be almost impossible. What I see, though, is my ninety year old father thriving in ways he just wasn't back in San Diego. His new life necessitates a certain amount of independence. The staff at his assisted living ensures that he gets out of bed, helps him shower a couple times a week, and gets him ready for bed at the end of the day, but that's it. The rest is on him. He has to go all the way downstairs to meals and figure out how to pass the day either in his room in front of the TV or out and about around the facility. This means he can't camp on his backside 24/7. And while he uses a wheelchair - that he wheels himself with his legs - instead of his Ferrari-like walker, he stronger than I've seen him in years. I hope he finds some enjoyment in his day-to-day existence. I hope he finds some enjoyment in my much more frequent visits. I know I do.
For my sister and me, the silver lining is a bit easier. We are friends, something we never quite got around to when Dad was in San Diego. It wasn't a conscious choice; it was just too hard to coordinate our schedules to both visit Dad at the same time. Now, though, when I come to see Dad in Las Vegas, I see more of my sister than I do my dad. We've grown closer and I think we both value our ever-developing friendship a lot.
Today, I discovered yet another silver lining. I have two nieces. The last time I saw either, I might have been ten and they barely toddlers. Much like the distance between my sister and me, it wasn't something that was planned or intended. I went my way and they went theirs, which, as misfortune would have it, were different directions. It's not like I knew nothing of their lives and vice versa- my oldest niece and I have been 'friends' on various social networks for years. Yesterday I responded to a Facebook post and she commented back asking me to run (She's a runner and I'm a runner, so...). A couple private messages later and we had a plan. This morning we did a spectacular trail run in her neck of the woods. Eight miles and an hour and a half later, I realized that I have more than a niece - I have a friend.
I hate watching my father age. And I hate knowing that we brought him here to Las Vegas largely against his will. It isn't easy turning into the parent, having to do what's right even when you know it hurts. Believe me, I don't take pleasure in any of it. However, like I told my dad yesterday, sometimes you just have to make the best of the situation, play the hand you're dealt (You had to see that one coming. We are in Las Vegas). For me, that means cherishing the time I get with my dad and deepening the connection with my family here. My hope is that what we grow will endure long after my father is gone. That part is inevitable and will definitely need a silver lining. For now, though, I have six more days to spend with my dad and I plan to enjoy them.
Truthfully, we don't have many options. Dad is where he needs to be - a very nice assisted living facility less than a mile from my sister's house in Las Vegas. My sister visits him once a day to make sure that he gets his eye drops and his medication (at ninety, he's only on two prescription medications). I visit every six weeks or so and, like this week, provide coverage so my sister can take vacations. The level of care he needs isn't possible in San Diego, so here we are. All of us.
Almost every situation has a silver lining if you look hard enough for it. I'm sure for my dad, who had to leave his home and everything he knew behind, silver linings don't come easy. In fact, they might be almost impossible. What I see, though, is my ninety year old father thriving in ways he just wasn't back in San Diego. His new life necessitates a certain amount of independence. The staff at his assisted living ensures that he gets out of bed, helps him shower a couple times a week, and gets him ready for bed at the end of the day, but that's it. The rest is on him. He has to go all the way downstairs to meals and figure out how to pass the day either in his room in front of the TV or out and about around the facility. This means he can't camp on his backside 24/7. And while he uses a wheelchair - that he wheels himself with his legs - instead of his Ferrari-like walker, he stronger than I've seen him in years. I hope he finds some enjoyment in his day-to-day existence. I hope he finds some enjoyment in my much more frequent visits. I know I do.
For my sister and me, the silver lining is a bit easier. We are friends, something we never quite got around to when Dad was in San Diego. It wasn't a conscious choice; it was just too hard to coordinate our schedules to both visit Dad at the same time. Now, though, when I come to see Dad in Las Vegas, I see more of my sister than I do my dad. We've grown closer and I think we both value our ever-developing friendship a lot.
Today, I discovered yet another silver lining. I have two nieces. The last time I saw either, I might have been ten and they barely toddlers. Much like the distance between my sister and me, it wasn't something that was planned or intended. I went my way and they went theirs, which, as misfortune would have it, were different directions. It's not like I knew nothing of their lives and vice versa- my oldest niece and I have been 'friends' on various social networks for years. Yesterday I responded to a Facebook post and she commented back asking me to run (She's a runner and I'm a runner, so...). A couple private messages later and we had a plan. This morning we did a spectacular trail run in her neck of the woods. Eight miles and an hour and a half later, I realized that I have more than a niece - I have a friend.
I hate watching my father age. And I hate knowing that we brought him here to Las Vegas largely against his will. It isn't easy turning into the parent, having to do what's right even when you know it hurts. Believe me, I don't take pleasure in any of it. However, like I told my dad yesterday, sometimes you just have to make the best of the situation, play the hand you're dealt (You had to see that one coming. We are in Las Vegas). For me, that means cherishing the time I get with my dad and deepening the connection with my family here. My hope is that what we grow will endure long after my father is gone. That part is inevitable and will definitely need a silver lining. For now, though, I have six more days to spend with my dad and I plan to enjoy them.
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