Short Hair and All
I know I've been writing about more serious topics lately, but I need to touch on another topic just for a moment. I don't want to keep you long so I'll get right to it. Something's gotta give with this hair. Seriously.
I shaved my head (If you're familiar with clippers, I used the #4 guard so I didn't SHAVE my head. Mom, please don't panic) about a month before I went to Europe in March. I wanted it to grow out a little before I left but still be short enough that I didn't have to pack a brush and could get away with using crappy travel shampoo for two weeks (Look, when you only pack one pair of shoes and a week's worth of underthings, there's no way you're going to take up space for hair care). It worked out well for the trip. My hair was long enough not to draw unwanted attention for being an American skin-head freak but short enough it didn't require product other than a 2 in 1 body/hair soap.
Now, it's mid-May and I've got a good three months worth of unwieldy growth going on. At this point, the bed-head is so bad that no amount of wetting down will touch it so I have to take a shower every morning (Fortunately, I workout before work most mornings...). Even then it still looks like shit.
To me. I'm sure others out there think my hair looks fab, terrific, pick a positive adjective. "Stacee, it's finally long enough that you almost look like a girl...when viewed from the right angle." (Tell that to the woman in the Starbucks' restroom last weekend that gawked at me four times before I walked out the door. The shorter my hair is the fewer questioning looks I get. Do the confusing math on that one). I appreciate the compliments and understand the pleas not to cut it, but f**************ck. I'm the one who has to look at it in the mirror and deal with it on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour basis.
Just quit my bitching and shave it off again if that's what I really want to do? Believe me, that is EXACTLY what I really want to do. It's "too short" for a couple three weeks or a month but then it grows out to a nice, manageable length. That I like. Usually that's all I care about. Usually. Trouble is, things are fixing to get unusual in a month or so.
Ok, so it's not like the release of my novel is suddenly going to catapult me to fame, but for the first time in my life I have to consider marketability. My marketability. I'm at a cross-roads mentally. I have seldom given one flip what others thought of me, beyond the basics of smelling good and being polite. Next month, I have to begin selling my book and myself. Yes, it's a lesbian romance; yes, it's no secret that I'm a lesbian; and yes a lot of dykes (stereotypically-speaking) have super short hair.
How can I spell this out? It's just that.....even though I have traditionally been pigeon-holed because I fit the short-haired lesbian stereotype, I've ALWAYS rebelled against it. I have never wanted that to define me. I've wanted to be seen as Stacee and everything I bring to the table, not simply as a lesbian. Let's return to the book release. Because it is so much easier for people - gay, straight, you name it - to lump people into categories, I'm honestly a little worried. I don't want people to look at a shaved head and make assumptions - because after we categorize, we tend to make assumptions.
The bottom line? I want to be a writer, not a lesbian writer. If I shave my head, like I have for years and like I like to do, people will question less and assume more. And I fucking hate assumptions.
What are my options?
I shaved my head (If you're familiar with clippers, I used the #4 guard so I didn't SHAVE my head. Mom, please don't panic) about a month before I went to Europe in March. I wanted it to grow out a little before I left but still be short enough that I didn't have to pack a brush and could get away with using crappy travel shampoo for two weeks (Look, when you only pack one pair of shoes and a week's worth of underthings, there's no way you're going to take up space for hair care). It worked out well for the trip. My hair was long enough not to draw unwanted attention for being an American skin-head freak but short enough it didn't require product other than a 2 in 1 body/hair soap.
Now, it's mid-May and I've got a good three months worth of unwieldy growth going on. At this point, the bed-head is so bad that no amount of wetting down will touch it so I have to take a shower every morning (Fortunately, I workout before work most mornings...). Even then it still looks like shit.
To me. I'm sure others out there think my hair looks fab, terrific, pick a positive adjective. "Stacee, it's finally long enough that you almost look like a girl...when viewed from the right angle." (Tell that to the woman in the Starbucks' restroom last weekend that gawked at me four times before I walked out the door. The shorter my hair is the fewer questioning looks I get. Do the confusing math on that one). I appreciate the compliments and understand the pleas not to cut it, but f**************ck. I'm the one who has to look at it in the mirror and deal with it on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour basis.
Just quit my bitching and shave it off again if that's what I really want to do? Believe me, that is EXACTLY what I really want to do. It's "too short" for a couple three weeks or a month but then it grows out to a nice, manageable length. That I like. Usually that's all I care about. Usually. Trouble is, things are fixing to get unusual in a month or so.
Ok, so it's not like the release of my novel is suddenly going to catapult me to fame, but for the first time in my life I have to consider marketability. My marketability. I'm at a cross-roads mentally. I have seldom given one flip what others thought of me, beyond the basics of smelling good and being polite. Next month, I have to begin selling my book and myself. Yes, it's a lesbian romance; yes, it's no secret that I'm a lesbian; and yes a lot of dykes (stereotypically-speaking) have super short hair.
How can I spell this out? It's just that.....even though I have traditionally been pigeon-holed because I fit the short-haired lesbian stereotype, I've ALWAYS rebelled against it. I have never wanted that to define me. I've wanted to be seen as Stacee and everything I bring to the table, not simply as a lesbian. Let's return to the book release. Because it is so much easier for people - gay, straight, you name it - to lump people into categories, I'm honestly a little worried. I don't want people to look at a shaved head and make assumptions - because after we categorize, we tend to make assumptions.
The bottom line? I want to be a writer, not a lesbian writer. If I shave my head, like I have for years and like I like to do, people will question less and assume more. And I fucking hate assumptions.
What are my options?
- Grow it out? Oh, honey, it took me almost three and a half years to do it the last time and IT WAS AWFUL. Not only did I end up with hair in my mouth with a shocking regularity I never imagined, I never once looked in the mirror - in THREE AND A HALF YEARS - and saw me looking back. I cannot do that again.
- Get it cut cute and sassy and girlie by a professional stylist? Man, I've honestly debated this one. Will I sell enough books to justify the expense? And the frustration of having to do it every day (even thirty seconds is way too much time for me to squeeze into my routine)? Oy. I just don't think it is.
- Tell the world to f*** itself and get used to a new writer on the block with super short hair?
Truthfully, I'm leaning toward the last option. Once upon a time, I drew A LOT of fire for writing a blog that merely suggested that maybe we ought to expand the definition of "feminine", maybe. You'd have thought I'd suggested that we institute human sacrifice as a way of appeasing Jesus so that he'd speed up the Second Coming. Mid-maelstrom, I threatened to quit writing - it was THAT bad. Fortunately, one of my closest friends told me that I had to keep writing and pushing limits and speaking my truth because so many out there weren't courageous enough to speak theirs.
That experience as unmercifully hard as it was made me stronger and much more confident in who I am and what I bring. I am Stacee, uniquely so I think, so why should I stop now? Why should I change who I am just to make me and my novel more marketable, more mainstream? The answer is that I shouldn't. Never, ever, ever.
Over the years, I've learned that authenticity brings respect. By and large, people like people who possess a self-deprecating confidence and present themselves honestly. If I tweak myself to make people like me, they'll see right through me and I'll accomplish the opposite.
That leaves me with one choice and only one choice. I have to be - must continue to be - unabashedly me. Short hair and all.
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