The Same Five Minutes
I arrived on the scene of 2013 single. By no means was this a surprise nor was it some kind of tragedy. I've started (and ended) most years single so it's business as usual for me. And contrary to popular belief, I'm not kidding myself when I say that I'm good with it. All of it. Being single. Living single. Ending years. Starting years. And everything in between.
I told a friend recently that had I had a girlfriend in August, I wouldn't have one now. I said this in December shortly after successfully (read: 4.0) completing my first semester of graduate school. The look on her face said that she didn't exactly believe me and I guess, in all honesty, my statement may not be exactly true. At best it would have been a trade off. I'd have had to choose between spending time with my girlfriend and doing school work. Here's the easy math: Choosing schoolwork = 4.0 = break up with girlfriend after twenty million ultimatums OR Choosing girlfriend = < 4.0 = wasting $6,000 of student loan money to learn nothing.
I'd like to think that I'd have chosen school over my girlfriend, putting myself and my goals, dreams, wishes, and desires first for once, but history says I'd never do that. In fact, I probably wouldn't have gone back to school in the first place or started playing tennis again if I'd had a girlfriend. All those things detract from togetherness and a lack of togetherness doesn't meet well with most people, myself included when I'm in a relationship with someone I care about. Granted it's been awhile since I've been in a relationship that went beyond dating so I might react differently now but I refuse to hold my breath and think that I've changed.
In my adult life, I've let relationships or my desire to be in a relationship color my judgement about what I can and can't do with my life. I skipped joining the Navy, moved to a new state, nearly got fired, accrued egregious amounts of debt, chose not to write (and publish) certain things, and stayed when I should have gone. I blame no one but myself for these lapses in judgement. I, and I alone, made my choices. I was never coerced or made to do anything I didn't want to do.
This is why these days I completely separate my priorities. I've been doing this for quite a few years and I truly believe that my life is all the better for it. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm missing something. It's not very often or for very long, but I occasionally wonder if it's possible - possible to have it my way and not be alone. Then I wonder about the kind of woman who would be willing to pigeonhole herself into my life and I realize that I'm in the middle of yet another Catch-22.
I admire strong women, women with purpose, women who know what they want, women who dream, women who achieve. Above all, I admire independence. Let's re-join my life a moment. What strong, purposeful, knowing, dreaming, achieving, independent woman is going to put up with me and my busy life? She'll be off doing her thing while I'm off doing my thing and we'll never meet, much less have a relationship.
Then there's the flip side - weak, purposeless, unknowing, non-dreaming, underachieving, dependent women. This kind of woman would have time for me and would probably be somewhat attracted to me. At first. Until she realized that I had no time for her. Of course, this would likely coincide with my realization that there was no point to her. Any woman willing to shoehorn her way into the few seconds I have available isn't going to very appealing to me in the long run.
And really, why should I bother? When I'm more or less, but mostly more, good on my own? Still I wonder sometimes about the people who seemingly have it all - personal success, successful girlfriend, and successful relationship. How does that happen? Two strong, purposeful, knowing, dreaming, achieving, independent women together? At this point, that seems to me like looking for a needle in a haystack in a haystack in a haystack. The near impossibility of it all makes me tired. Besides I have more important things to do with my life than wait and search and wait some more. It's a damn good thing I'm good as is.
Of course, in my life, I've achieved the impossible. So this... Maybe this can happen, too. Maybe one day I will meet a woman as busy and driven and focused as I am. And maybe, just maybe, we'll have the same five minutes free. You never know. It could happen.
I told a friend recently that had I had a girlfriend in August, I wouldn't have one now. I said this in December shortly after successfully (read: 4.0) completing my first semester of graduate school. The look on her face said that she didn't exactly believe me and I guess, in all honesty, my statement may not be exactly true. At best it would have been a trade off. I'd have had to choose between spending time with my girlfriend and doing school work. Here's the easy math: Choosing schoolwork = 4.0 = break up with girlfriend after twenty million ultimatums OR Choosing girlfriend = < 4.0 = wasting $6,000 of student loan money to learn nothing.
I'd like to think that I'd have chosen school over my girlfriend, putting myself and my goals, dreams, wishes, and desires first for once, but history says I'd never do that. In fact, I probably wouldn't have gone back to school in the first place or started playing tennis again if I'd had a girlfriend. All those things detract from togetherness and a lack of togetherness doesn't meet well with most people, myself included when I'm in a relationship with someone I care about. Granted it's been awhile since I've been in a relationship that went beyond dating so I might react differently now but I refuse to hold my breath and think that I've changed.
In my adult life, I've let relationships or my desire to be in a relationship color my judgement about what I can and can't do with my life. I skipped joining the Navy, moved to a new state, nearly got fired, accrued egregious amounts of debt, chose not to write (and publish) certain things, and stayed when I should have gone. I blame no one but myself for these lapses in judgement. I, and I alone, made my choices. I was never coerced or made to do anything I didn't want to do.
This is why these days I completely separate my priorities. I've been doing this for quite a few years and I truly believe that my life is all the better for it. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm missing something. It's not very often or for very long, but I occasionally wonder if it's possible - possible to have it my way and not be alone. Then I wonder about the kind of woman who would be willing to pigeonhole herself into my life and I realize that I'm in the middle of yet another Catch-22.
I admire strong women, women with purpose, women who know what they want, women who dream, women who achieve. Above all, I admire independence. Let's re-join my life a moment. What strong, purposeful, knowing, dreaming, achieving, independent woman is going to put up with me and my busy life? She'll be off doing her thing while I'm off doing my thing and we'll never meet, much less have a relationship.
Then there's the flip side - weak, purposeless, unknowing, non-dreaming, underachieving, dependent women. This kind of woman would have time for me and would probably be somewhat attracted to me. At first. Until she realized that I had no time for her. Of course, this would likely coincide with my realization that there was no point to her. Any woman willing to shoehorn her way into the few seconds I have available isn't going to very appealing to me in the long run.
And really, why should I bother? When I'm more or less, but mostly more, good on my own? Still I wonder sometimes about the people who seemingly have it all - personal success, successful girlfriend, and successful relationship. How does that happen? Two strong, purposeful, knowing, dreaming, achieving, independent women together? At this point, that seems to me like looking for a needle in a haystack in a haystack in a haystack. The near impossibility of it all makes me tired. Besides I have more important things to do with my life than wait and search and wait some more. It's a damn good thing I'm good as is.
Of course, in my life, I've achieved the impossible. So this... Maybe this can happen, too. Maybe one day I will meet a woman as busy and driven and focused as I am. And maybe, just maybe, we'll have the same five minutes free. You never know. It could happen.
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