What If? [The One About the Exceptions List]
Some day I hope to maybe need my 'Exceptions List'. You see, at this point they aren't 'exceptions'. I'm single and therefore I can (feasibly) sleep with anyone I want without fear of reprisal. The Exceptions List, in its purest form, is intended to be a 'get out of jail free' card for those who are married, partnered, or at the very least committed. When the expectation is monogamy, an Exceptions List is crucial.
Sure, the chances of ever meeting anyone on that list are slim but what if? Seriously, what if? You're in LA at a boring conference for work and you and a couple of your more fun co-workers decide to hit a few bars. While waiting at the bar for the bartender to get your drinks, ___________________ (fill in the blank) slides up next to you. You begin to chat, laugh, and find yourselves otherwise attracted. You ask him/her to join you and your co-workers but you find that they have left. Now it's just the two of you (his or her friends have also disappeared). One thing leads to another. He/she leans in to kiss you, a kiss that you know will lead to more, and you... This is where the Exceptions List comes in handy. If you're single like me, you go for it. If you're committed, you either (a) pull away, immediately go back to the hotel, take a cold shower, and vow to discuss creating an Exceptions List with your partner, or (b) have an amazing night with someone you've fantasized about knowing that it won't adversely affect your relationship back home.
For me it's a no-brainer. I liken it to believing in God. You can't go wrong there, can you? Death may be the end, but if it's not, you'll be happy you brought Him along. I always try to err to the side of 'it can't hurt so why not'. This is why I've always had an Exceptions List. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends and they'll tell you that I'm loyal - I don't cheat (at least not physically. There was the time I was accused, and rightfully so, of emotionally cheating, but I digress). It's not like women come out of the woodwork for me so it hasn't been a huge challenge over the years. However, I did refuse to talk to the woman who became the love of my life (thus far) for months because I was involved. Further, I broke up with one girlfriend when I met a woman at a sex toy party that I found myself instantly physically, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to. Had she not been straight and married, I'd have been tempted, seriously tempted (ok, so I was anyway). That temptation told me all I needed to know about my current relationship. Breaking up was my only choice.
Had my temptress been on my Exceptions List, however, I'd have been safe. Of course, I'd just met her and I didn't think it was appropriate to add her on the fly. How about a more concrete example? Say I'd met Stana Katic (I'll get to the complete list in a moment, but she's at the top for the moment) at a sex toy party instead of the other woman (who I am very glad I met because she became one of my best completely platonic friends). I could have turned to my girlfriend, reminded her of my Exceptions List, and been free to do whatever I wanted to do. Which, let's be realistic, would in all likelihood, have been absolutely nothing. My 'I Carried a Watermelon Moments' are quite famous. I'd have been lucky to string together a full sentence in her presence. That's me and beautiful women. Regardless, the Exceptions List is key because what if? What if I'd been able to speak? What if she spoke back? What if? What if? What if?
I urge everyone to be prepared. It doesn't take much. You know who you want to sleep with. Make a list and chat with your partner. I promise he or she also has a list. Just do it. It's a five minute conversation that could pay HUGE dividends, if you don't want to (a) miss the opportunity to sleep with your dream person or (b) throw away years for one night of fun. It's also important to keep the list up to date with your partner. If something changes, you need to talk about it. Remember, what if? What if?
I almost forgot. You can't have the entire world on your list. Believe me, if I was your partner, that wouldn't sit well with me. You want to f*** how many people besides me? Limit your list and make each and every entry count. I think less than ten is probably appropriate. I haven't counted mine, but I'm sure I'm in that ballpark.
Keep in mind my list is completely superfluous at this point, but it's always good to be prepared. Of course, you don't have to be as open as I am and post your list on the Internet. Eh... I'm not ashamed.
My Exceptions (Not familiar with someone? That's what Google is for).
I, for one, am not going to get caught with my pants down. Believe me, about the time I commit to someone, I'm going to trot out my latest list. Just in case. I mean, what if? Yeah, I sell paint at a major home improvement retailer, attend a small liberal arts college, and rarely travel, but it could happen. Heck, they say that Sandra used to buy Oops paint from my department at my store in Bee Cave, Texas. Given that, anything is possible. Well, almost.
Sure, the chances of ever meeting anyone on that list are slim but what if? Seriously, what if? You're in LA at a boring conference for work and you and a couple of your more fun co-workers decide to hit a few bars. While waiting at the bar for the bartender to get your drinks, ___________________ (fill in the blank) slides up next to you. You begin to chat, laugh, and find yourselves otherwise attracted. You ask him/her to join you and your co-workers but you find that they have left. Now it's just the two of you (his or her friends have also disappeared). One thing leads to another. He/she leans in to kiss you, a kiss that you know will lead to more, and you... This is where the Exceptions List comes in handy. If you're single like me, you go for it. If you're committed, you either (a) pull away, immediately go back to the hotel, take a cold shower, and vow to discuss creating an Exceptions List with your partner, or (b) have an amazing night with someone you've fantasized about knowing that it won't adversely affect your relationship back home.
For me it's a no-brainer. I liken it to believing in God. You can't go wrong there, can you? Death may be the end, but if it's not, you'll be happy you brought Him along. I always try to err to the side of 'it can't hurt so why not'. This is why I've always had an Exceptions List. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends and they'll tell you that I'm loyal - I don't cheat (at least not physically. There was the time I was accused, and rightfully so, of emotionally cheating, but I digress). It's not like women come out of the woodwork for me so it hasn't been a huge challenge over the years. However, I did refuse to talk to the woman who became the love of my life (thus far) for months because I was involved. Further, I broke up with one girlfriend when I met a woman at a sex toy party that I found myself instantly physically, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to. Had she not been straight and married, I'd have been tempted, seriously tempted (ok, so I was anyway). That temptation told me all I needed to know about my current relationship. Breaking up was my only choice.
Had my temptress been on my Exceptions List, however, I'd have been safe. Of course, I'd just met her and I didn't think it was appropriate to add her on the fly. How about a more concrete example? Say I'd met Stana Katic (I'll get to the complete list in a moment, but she's at the top for the moment) at a sex toy party instead of the other woman (who I am very glad I met because she became one of my best completely platonic friends). I could have turned to my girlfriend, reminded her of my Exceptions List, and been free to do whatever I wanted to do. Which, let's be realistic, would in all likelihood, have been absolutely nothing. My 'I Carried a Watermelon Moments' are quite famous. I'd have been lucky to string together a full sentence in her presence. That's me and beautiful women. Regardless, the Exceptions List is key because what if? What if I'd been able to speak? What if she spoke back? What if? What if? What if?
I urge everyone to be prepared. It doesn't take much. You know who you want to sleep with. Make a list and chat with your partner. I promise he or she also has a list. Just do it. It's a five minute conversation that could pay HUGE dividends, if you don't want to (a) miss the opportunity to sleep with your dream person or (b) throw away years for one night of fun. It's also important to keep the list up to date with your partner. If something changes, you need to talk about it. Remember, what if? What if?
I almost forgot. You can't have the entire world on your list. Believe me, if I was your partner, that wouldn't sit well with me. You want to f*** how many people besides me? Limit your list and make each and every entry count. I think less than ten is probably appropriate. I haven't counted mine, but I'm sure I'm in that ballpark.
Keep in mind my list is completely superfluous at this point, but it's always good to be prepared. Of course, you don't have to be as open as I am and post your list on the Internet. Eh... I'm not ashamed.
My Exceptions (Not familiar with someone? That's what Google is for).
- Stana Katic
- Samantha Stosur
- Ashley Judd (I may not want to marry her, but... her intelligence is very attractive)
- Elisabeth Shue
- Ryan Reynolds (No pressure, Ryan, but there are very few men I'd give 'it' up for)
- Amy Matthews
- Jessica Biel
- Sandra Bullock (for old time's sake)
I, for one, am not going to get caught with my pants down. Believe me, about the time I commit to someone, I'm going to trot out my latest list. Just in case. I mean, what if? Yeah, I sell paint at a major home improvement retailer, attend a small liberal arts college, and rarely travel, but it could happen. Heck, they say that Sandra used to buy Oops paint from my department at my store in Bee Cave, Texas. Given that, anything is possible. Well, almost.
Comments
Post a Comment