Spiritual Flux and My New Running Partner
I'm in a state of flux. Spiritual flux. I imagine that when I came out as a Christian everyone let out a big sigh of relief. Oh, thank God! She's done with all that seeking. Yeah, not to so much. Christianity was never going to be the be-all-end-all for me. I picked and chose from the doctrines and dogma and knew that I'd never be able to accept the big ones - Salvation and it's fraternal twin, Resurrection, at least not in the literal sense. So here we are two years later and I'm still seeking a better way to understand my relationship to God and the Universe.
Yes, I said it. The Universe. I'm back to that. My first blog EVER back in 2006 was about The Universe. Everything eventually comes full circle, if you just let it be. Which I did. And here we are. Do I still believe in God? Yes. Do I still believe in Jesus (Why does this question always sound frighteningly similar to 'Do you believe in Santa Claus?'?)? Yes. It's just that those ideas are fluctuating. They may not be changing - 'change' is a heavy word' - but they are in transition. Again.
I've done some soul searching this semester. Some of it does have to do with grad school. I've done a little reading and a little exploring and I don't necessarily see the world the same way I did back in August. I've read James, Herrigel, Comte-Sponville, Underhill, Skinner, Orwell, and Phil Jackson. I've studied Buddhism, Confucianism, utopias, atheism, religiosity, spirituality, and evolution. I've crunched it all together, attempted to synthesize what I've learned, and come to a conclusion that may be disturbing to some - I don't know what I want to believe.
And this is what brought me back to The Universe. I can't deny The Universe. All I have to do is walk out my apartment door on a clear night and I can see it. All I have to do is experience the connectivity between people and I feel it. Yes, The Universe exists. Who created it and why and how and what it all means are all up for debate. I just don't know and because I don't know I don't know what to believe.
I do know that I used to run well with Jesus. I'd imagine him in robe and sandals trotting along behind me. It gave me a modicum of strength and his company helped ease my suffering a little. Now, though, I'm doing things a bit differently. Rather than looking outside myself, I'm going inward. In every minute of every day, I try to stay in the moment. I don't worry about what comes next or everything that I have to do or haven't done. After only a few weeks of trying, I'm less stressed and anxious and I've found a new level of peace. And I'm running really well. All by myself. Sort of.
I plan to spend my winter break doing more reading and more exploring. Zen Buddhism, Native American spirituality (thanks to a reminder from Phil Jackson), and Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi's thoughts on Flow are all on my agenda. There's no telling where I'll be in January. Spiritually speaking, I mean.
It's a good thing that I'm used to this spiritual flux. I did enjoy the 'break' that momentary certainty gave me, but it's time to get back to business. The past few months have shown me that it just may be more about the spiritual journey than finding a spiritual destination.
As a side note, I haven't taken off my cross, the cross I got when I came out as a Christian, and I don't plan to. Regardless of my label or where I am on my journey, Jesus rocks and I refuse to let his followers fuck that up for him. And for me. He may not be the best running partner (Even for his size, Buddha is proving to be the better of the two), but I will always see him as a kindred spirit of sorts. Like Jesus, I've always taken the more difficult path. Whether my path leads through God or The Universe, I can't say at this point. Nonetheless I'm going to see where it takes me. Flux, though, seems to be a given.
Yes, I said it. The Universe. I'm back to that. My first blog EVER back in 2006 was about The Universe. Everything eventually comes full circle, if you just let it be. Which I did. And here we are. Do I still believe in God? Yes. Do I still believe in Jesus (Why does this question always sound frighteningly similar to 'Do you believe in Santa Claus?'?)? Yes. It's just that those ideas are fluctuating. They may not be changing - 'change' is a heavy word' - but they are in transition. Again.
I've done some soul searching this semester. Some of it does have to do with grad school. I've done a little reading and a little exploring and I don't necessarily see the world the same way I did back in August. I've read James, Herrigel, Comte-Sponville, Underhill, Skinner, Orwell, and Phil Jackson. I've studied Buddhism, Confucianism, utopias, atheism, religiosity, spirituality, and evolution. I've crunched it all together, attempted to synthesize what I've learned, and come to a conclusion that may be disturbing to some - I don't know what I want to believe.
And this is what brought me back to The Universe. I can't deny The Universe. All I have to do is walk out my apartment door on a clear night and I can see it. All I have to do is experience the connectivity between people and I feel it. Yes, The Universe exists. Who created it and why and how and what it all means are all up for debate. I just don't know and because I don't know I don't know what to believe.
I do know that I used to run well with Jesus. I'd imagine him in robe and sandals trotting along behind me. It gave me a modicum of strength and his company helped ease my suffering a little. Now, though, I'm doing things a bit differently. Rather than looking outside myself, I'm going inward. In every minute of every day, I try to stay in the moment. I don't worry about what comes next or everything that I have to do or haven't done. After only a few weeks of trying, I'm less stressed and anxious and I've found a new level of peace. And I'm running really well. All by myself. Sort of.
I plan to spend my winter break doing more reading and more exploring. Zen Buddhism, Native American spirituality (thanks to a reminder from Phil Jackson), and Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi's thoughts on Flow are all on my agenda. There's no telling where I'll be in January. Spiritually speaking, I mean.
It's a good thing that I'm used to this spiritual flux. I did enjoy the 'break' that momentary certainty gave me, but it's time to get back to business. The past few months have shown me that it just may be more about the spiritual journey than finding a spiritual destination.
As a side note, I haven't taken off my cross, the cross I got when I came out as a Christian, and I don't plan to. Regardless of my label or where I am on my journey, Jesus rocks and I refuse to let his followers fuck that up for him. And for me. He may not be the best running partner (Even for his size, Buddha is proving to be the better of the two), but I will always see him as a kindred spirit of sorts. Like Jesus, I've always taken the more difficult path. Whether my path leads through God or The Universe, I can't say at this point. Nonetheless I'm going to see where it takes me. Flux, though, seems to be a given.
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