Sure, It's a Monastic Kind of Fun
My life is predominantly about choices right now. I suppose that's pretty common. We all make choices all day long every day - the snooze button, breakfast, long or short sleeve shirt, take lunch or go out, Starbuck's on the way to work, get gas before work or after work, the list goes on and on all day. Some of our choices have lasting impact; others are largely frivolous and won't matter five minutes after we make them.
Tonight, though, I clearly felt the weight of my recent choices. I'm three weeks into graduate school, my second go-round at graduate school, let's be honest. The first time I had it easy - a graduate teaching assistantship, tuition waiver, low rent, and few bills. This time it's a bit different. I'm a full grown adult now, with a full time job, a 'lifestyle' I'm accustomed to, a substantial pile of shiny new student loans, and a car repair bill (all on my Visa) that never seems to get any smaller. For the next three-ish years, I'm at the mercy of my vision - I want a graduate degree, I want to learn, and I want to get smarter.
I know what it takes and I'm not scared of it. I resisted going back to school for years. I could lay it off on 'timing', but in reality it's all about motivation and willingness to sacrifice. I looked at program after program, but I could never find one that excited me enough to make me get off my ass to apply, much less matriculate and sign up for classes. For some reason, this time was different. Maybe it was the program, the easy application process, the close proximity to home, the small, pretty campus, or the stark realization that I don't want to work retail forever. All or one, it doesn't really matter at this point.
I'm in it now and I'm good with it, all of it. I accept that I am required to make choices. I accept that those choices demand sacrifice and that I live a different life than most. I've chosen three focal points - work, school, and tennis. Everything else, except the gym and working out (which are directly related to my health, both mental and physical, and my tennis game), must be subservient. This means I go to work, go to school, go to the gym, and go to the tennis courts. Period.
I realize that to most this lifestyle must seen a bit monastic or Spartan, but I believe it is the only way I can successfully navigate the busy-ness of being a 2/3 time graduate student while working full time. What about friends? If they play tennis, they will see more of me. If they work with me, they will see more of me. What about fun? I have plenty. Tennis is fun and I'm striving to quiet my left brain, stay in the Now, and make the gym more fun. And really, I enjoy homework. I promise.
Vision requires sacrifice. Back to tonight. I had finished my homework earlier than expected, at about 7:15pm. There was some reading I could have done, but given that it's Friday night and I have a rare Saturday off, I decided to do something wild and crazy - go to Barnes and Noble. I wanted to look at books and maybe get a coffee. On the way there, I re-routed myself to Half Price Books. No coffee, but I rationalized that if I found a book I liked, I might actually be able to afford it.
So to Half Price I went. I pulled into the crowded parking lot and discovered that there was no place to park out in front. No problem. I drove around to the side of the building and immediately found a tiny spot. As I squeezed out of my car, I heard noise - people-having-fun noise. I glanced to my left and saw the patio for Baker Street Pub. It was jammed with people eating, drinking, watching sports, hanging out with friends, and going on dates. Hmm... A brief moment of wistfulness overcame me then vanished. I envied them their fun evening with friends, their normalcy. For me, an 'exciting' evening was an impromptu visit to a bookstore (I still don't like to read) by myself. Then I remembered - Vision requires sacrifice.
In truth, it's not a sacrifice. Because the timing is right, I'm right where I want to be doing exactly what I want to be doing. My choices are easy. I love school. Amazingly, the more I learn, the more I want to learn. I don't remember ever feeling this way about school - this free, this excited. Even though the doubts are many and the unknown seems to get bigger every day, I'm confident. I'm doing it.
Back in January, I said that 2012 was going to be 'My Year to Fear Less'. I wasn't going to be fearless and do all kinds of crazy things, like pet a snake or bungee jump. No way. My goal was simple - I was going fear less and have more courage. I would start with a vision and take a small step. The choices would come later, but I've realized recently that a strong vision makes those choices a lot easier.
So I wasn't out with friends tonight. I'm ok with that. After all, I found a couple cheap books and stopped at Starbuck's on the way home. Monastic? Probably (though what monk would drink a decaf skinny vanilla latte). Fun? Most definitely. At least to me.
Tonight, though, I clearly felt the weight of my recent choices. I'm three weeks into graduate school, my second go-round at graduate school, let's be honest. The first time I had it easy - a graduate teaching assistantship, tuition waiver, low rent, and few bills. This time it's a bit different. I'm a full grown adult now, with a full time job, a 'lifestyle' I'm accustomed to, a substantial pile of shiny new student loans, and a car repair bill (all on my Visa) that never seems to get any smaller. For the next three-ish years, I'm at the mercy of my vision - I want a graduate degree, I want to learn, and I want to get smarter.
I know what it takes and I'm not scared of it. I resisted going back to school for years. I could lay it off on 'timing', but in reality it's all about motivation and willingness to sacrifice. I looked at program after program, but I could never find one that excited me enough to make me get off my ass to apply, much less matriculate and sign up for classes. For some reason, this time was different. Maybe it was the program, the easy application process, the close proximity to home, the small, pretty campus, or the stark realization that I don't want to work retail forever. All or one, it doesn't really matter at this point.
I'm in it now and I'm good with it, all of it. I accept that I am required to make choices. I accept that those choices demand sacrifice and that I live a different life than most. I've chosen three focal points - work, school, and tennis. Everything else, except the gym and working out (which are directly related to my health, both mental and physical, and my tennis game), must be subservient. This means I go to work, go to school, go to the gym, and go to the tennis courts. Period.
I realize that to most this lifestyle must seen a bit monastic or Spartan, but I believe it is the only way I can successfully navigate the busy-ness of being a 2/3 time graduate student while working full time. What about friends? If they play tennis, they will see more of me. If they work with me, they will see more of me. What about fun? I have plenty. Tennis is fun and I'm striving to quiet my left brain, stay in the Now, and make the gym more fun. And really, I enjoy homework. I promise.
Vision requires sacrifice. Back to tonight. I had finished my homework earlier than expected, at about 7:15pm. There was some reading I could have done, but given that it's Friday night and I have a rare Saturday off, I decided to do something wild and crazy - go to Barnes and Noble. I wanted to look at books and maybe get a coffee. On the way there, I re-routed myself to Half Price Books. No coffee, but I rationalized that if I found a book I liked, I might actually be able to afford it.
So to Half Price I went. I pulled into the crowded parking lot and discovered that there was no place to park out in front. No problem. I drove around to the side of the building and immediately found a tiny spot. As I squeezed out of my car, I heard noise - people-having-fun noise. I glanced to my left and saw the patio for Baker Street Pub. It was jammed with people eating, drinking, watching sports, hanging out with friends, and going on dates. Hmm... A brief moment of wistfulness overcame me then vanished. I envied them their fun evening with friends, their normalcy. For me, an 'exciting' evening was an impromptu visit to a bookstore (I still don't like to read) by myself. Then I remembered - Vision requires sacrifice.
In truth, it's not a sacrifice. Because the timing is right, I'm right where I want to be doing exactly what I want to be doing. My choices are easy. I love school. Amazingly, the more I learn, the more I want to learn. I don't remember ever feeling this way about school - this free, this excited. Even though the doubts are many and the unknown seems to get bigger every day, I'm confident. I'm doing it.
Back in January, I said that 2012 was going to be 'My Year to Fear Less'. I wasn't going to be fearless and do all kinds of crazy things, like pet a snake or bungee jump. No way. My goal was simple - I was going fear less and have more courage. I would start with a vision and take a small step. The choices would come later, but I've realized recently that a strong vision makes those choices a lot easier.
So I wasn't out with friends tonight. I'm ok with that. After all, I found a couple cheap books and stopped at Starbuck's on the way home. Monastic? Probably (though what monk would drink a decaf skinny vanilla latte). Fun? Most definitely. At least to me.
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