It's More Than the 'Clo'pen'
I'm exhausted. I've been up since 3:30am and I'm operating on maybe four hours sleep. I'm not sure if the world-at-large knows what it means to 'Clo'pen' (verb), but it's why I'm in the condition I'm in and a huge part of my vernacular these days. A 'Clo'pen' (noun) occurs when one must work until the close of business and return in the morning for the open of business. Generally speaking, the hours between shifts are minimal, like seven or less. Which is exactly why I'm in the condition I'm in. Last night I 'closed' at 10:00pm and had to be back to work at 5:00am - seven hours, a classic 'Clo'pen'.
Under normal circumstances it's painful. Sleep in nearly impossible in the limited time one has between driving to and from work, showering, getting ready, winding down, winding up, making coffee, walking dogs, etc. Then there's the worry that the alarm will be slept through, so sleep that does come is often vigilant. Vigilant sleep is not good sleep. Exhaustion is, therefore, common and morale, therefore, bad. At a certain point, surviving the day (and the drive home) becomes all that matters.
I'm sure some people take naps after a 'Clo'pen'. I seldom have the luxury to 'waste' a day like that. Granted it's not my employer's fault that I had class tonight until 9:00pm or that I 'had' to go to the gym between work and class, but it still sucks. To add insult to injury, I have my own personal 'Clo'pen' tonight - class til 9:00pm, then work at 6:00am. That doesn't sound too bad except that I have to be up by 4:30am in order to get to work on-time with dogs fed and coffee in hand. If I'm extremely lucky (and stop writing soon), I'll get six hours sleep. It may not sound like much in the grander scheme of a good night's sleep, but compared to last night's 'maybe four hours', it's quite palatial.
So, why am I not in bed already? That's a function of the Absolutely Zero Monster I had before class, which leaves me wired and sleepy all at the same time, and my desire for a few moments of relaxation. As we can see, I suck at relaxation. If I didn't, I'd be in the living room actually watching Monday Night Football instead of listening to it in the background. If I really had my way (and I wasn't so exhausted and mentally drained), I'd be doing school work. Truly, there's always something to do for one class or another.
I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to just be. I try, but usually I end up writing (like right now) or 'casually' reading for class (ie. not taking prodigious notes). I rationalize that this is better than serious study, but it's still far from relaxation. Take Saturday night for example. I told myself all week long that I was going to take the night off and watch football. Not so much. I did school work from the time I got home from work until I went to bed. Much like right now, football was on in the background, but I couldn't have told you what game I was listening to or who was winning.
As I think about it, I've literally been going non-stop for as long as I can remember. I think I tried to relax on Thursday, but I'm sure I ended up studying. In fact, I know I did. Friday morning, before work and with the exception of the time I was at the gym, I was reading. I know this for a fact also. I worked Friday until 10:00pm, went to work Saturday at 9:00am, got home after 6:00pm, spent the evening as I detailed above, went to bed, got up early Sunday morning, got ready to play tennis, read a little with the 'extra' time I had, got to the courts at 8:30am, played til after 10:00am, came home, got ready for work, ate lunch, discovered some more 'extra' time which I again spent reading, went to work, 'Clo'pened', went to the gym, went to class, and now I'm writing this. Oh, and I spent all my lunch half hours on the computer checking school stuff.
Honestly, the 'Clo'pen' is the least of my concerns. Yes, I'm exhausted because of it, but it's hard to tell where the 'Clo'pen' exhaustion begins and the exhaustion in general ends. I really do love my life (the fog in my brain at the moment may be accentuating that fact right now) and enjoy my busy-ness. Most of the time. There are things I would change - I'd rather go to school full-time and work part-time, for one; I'd like to play more tennis, for two - but reality is what it is. I need money and there are only so many hours in a day. I'm stuck with this life until I (a) win the lottery, (b) find a sugar mama, or (c) finish grad school. In the meantime, I've made my choices and as with any and all choices, I have only one remaining choice- I can either like it or like it.
Best news? No 'Clo'pens' on the horizon. Sure, I have two major research papers due in the next two months and zillions of pages of reading, including 'Othello' (Shakespeare, for effin real), but I refuse to dwell on all the Hell that lies ahead. I chose this and by virtue of that, I like it. A lot, in fact.
With that, I suppose I should sign off here and get to bed. After all, if I fell asleep right now, I could get six hours and twenty minutes. It may not be much, but it's nearly twice what I got last night. At this point, I'm all about celebrating the smallest victories. Oops, I'm down to six hours and seventeen minutes. I gotta go. For real, this time.
Under normal circumstances it's painful. Sleep in nearly impossible in the limited time one has between driving to and from work, showering, getting ready, winding down, winding up, making coffee, walking dogs, etc. Then there's the worry that the alarm will be slept through, so sleep that does come is often vigilant. Vigilant sleep is not good sleep. Exhaustion is, therefore, common and morale, therefore, bad. At a certain point, surviving the day (and the drive home) becomes all that matters.
I'm sure some people take naps after a 'Clo'pen'. I seldom have the luxury to 'waste' a day like that. Granted it's not my employer's fault that I had class tonight until 9:00pm or that I 'had' to go to the gym between work and class, but it still sucks. To add insult to injury, I have my own personal 'Clo'pen' tonight - class til 9:00pm, then work at 6:00am. That doesn't sound too bad except that I have to be up by 4:30am in order to get to work on-time with dogs fed and coffee in hand. If I'm extremely lucky (and stop writing soon), I'll get six hours sleep. It may not sound like much in the grander scheme of a good night's sleep, but compared to last night's 'maybe four hours', it's quite palatial.
So, why am I not in bed already? That's a function of the Absolutely Zero Monster I had before class, which leaves me wired and sleepy all at the same time, and my desire for a few moments of relaxation. As we can see, I suck at relaxation. If I didn't, I'd be in the living room actually watching Monday Night Football instead of listening to it in the background. If I really had my way (and I wasn't so exhausted and mentally drained), I'd be doing school work. Truly, there's always something to do for one class or another.
I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to just be. I try, but usually I end up writing (like right now) or 'casually' reading for class (ie. not taking prodigious notes). I rationalize that this is better than serious study, but it's still far from relaxation. Take Saturday night for example. I told myself all week long that I was going to take the night off and watch football. Not so much. I did school work from the time I got home from work until I went to bed. Much like right now, football was on in the background, but I couldn't have told you what game I was listening to or who was winning.
As I think about it, I've literally been going non-stop for as long as I can remember. I think I tried to relax on Thursday, but I'm sure I ended up studying. In fact, I know I did. Friday morning, before work and with the exception of the time I was at the gym, I was reading. I know this for a fact also. I worked Friday until 10:00pm, went to work Saturday at 9:00am, got home after 6:00pm, spent the evening as I detailed above, went to bed, got up early Sunday morning, got ready to play tennis, read a little with the 'extra' time I had, got to the courts at 8:30am, played til after 10:00am, came home, got ready for work, ate lunch, discovered some more 'extra' time which I again spent reading, went to work, 'Clo'pened', went to the gym, went to class, and now I'm writing this. Oh, and I spent all my lunch half hours on the computer checking school stuff.
Honestly, the 'Clo'pen' is the least of my concerns. Yes, I'm exhausted because of it, but it's hard to tell where the 'Clo'pen' exhaustion begins and the exhaustion in general ends. I really do love my life (the fog in my brain at the moment may be accentuating that fact right now) and enjoy my busy-ness. Most of the time. There are things I would change - I'd rather go to school full-time and work part-time, for one; I'd like to play more tennis, for two - but reality is what it is. I need money and there are only so many hours in a day. I'm stuck with this life until I (a) win the lottery, (b) find a sugar mama, or (c) finish grad school. In the meantime, I've made my choices and as with any and all choices, I have only one remaining choice- I can either like it or like it.
Best news? No 'Clo'pens' on the horizon. Sure, I have two major research papers due in the next two months and zillions of pages of reading, including 'Othello' (Shakespeare, for effin real), but I refuse to dwell on all the Hell that lies ahead. I chose this and by virtue of that, I like it. A lot, in fact.
With that, I suppose I should sign off here and get to bed. After all, if I fell asleep right now, I could get six hours and twenty minutes. It may not be much, but it's nearly twice what I got last night. At this point, I'm all about celebrating the smallest victories. Oops, I'm down to six hours and seventeen minutes. I gotta go. For real, this time.
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