The Rodeo Redux: Waiting on the Cusp of Confused
I'm currently waiting on the cusp of confused. Oh, it's not my confusion. I know decisively who I am and who I want to be. It's just that others aren't quite as sure as I am. I don't blame them. I wasn't always this way. It took nearly all of my forty-two years to become this confident and this certain. The 'others' I speak of are younger and seemingly years from figuring it all out. I love young people, but they can be a beating at times. Thank God, I learned enough patience over the years to keep me from beating them.
Sexual confusion is a tough one. I can't say I was ever too confused about it. That's not to say that I was born waiving a rainbow flag because the thought that I might be gay never occurred to me until shortly before I officially came out. I hemmed and hawed a little, but when I thought deeply about it, I knew who I was. That was all it took. I knew my family and friends would be cool, so it wasn't a potentially life changing decision for me. I came out. Life went on.
I'm mostly but not exclusively speaking about 25. Let me explain that short hand. The women in my life have code names. A friend and I started it a few years back. It's to protect the innocent and, given the speed at which women come and go in my life, my friend didn't want to burden herself with the real names of women she'd probably never meet. We've had 31, San Antonio, Foreman who became DG (for Dumb Girl) by the end, ITGirl who became ITG for shorter hand, and Christmas. 25 is simply the latest in a long line of potential (and ultimately failed) dating relationships. Oh, it doesn't make me sad. None were expected to be anything more than a blip on the radar. I'm not going to waste my time crying over something so insignificant.
25 will go the same way. If it goes anywhere at all. I remember being her. Of course, I quickly knew what I was all about and made the decision. I don't think she will be that lucky. Small town girls never are. For them, the decision is cataclysmic and life altering. Besides she's young and has a forty-year old full grown and confident lesbian as her first real attraction. I am absolutely positive I'd have run the other way when I was in her shoes. Scary doesn't begin to describe what she imagines she's facing.
If she had asked me for advice before all this began, I'd have recommend a much safer route - crushing on straight women. That's what I did (Hell, it's what I still do. Who am I kidding?). I was free to crush and figure a few things out and she was free to ignore it. It worked perfectly for all involved. A year or so later, I crushed on my first real live lesbian and immediately came out. Easy as P-I-E.
Unfortunately, 25 has chosen a much more difficult path, one that runs straight to me and through me. She's confused and I don't blame her. This, of course, doesn't mean I'm going to stick around an indeterminate amount of time while she ponders her options. I have patience, but not in this case. She has my number and knows where I work. She can find me when and if she wants to find me.
If that sounds unfeeling to anyone, I invite them to suck it. I've dealt with this kind of thing numerous times. Remember, I like to crush on straight women, many of whom aren't as straight as they originally hoped they were. Never underestimate the impact a crushing lesbian can have on a 'straight' woman's sexuality. In my experience, they tend to become a weensy bit more fluid. For about eight seconds. Welcome to The Rodeo.
25 will likely follow the same path. She'll eventually waiver, call me, succumb to momentary weakness, and quickly retreat to the safety of normal before any life changing announcements can be made. I plan to give her the space to figure all that out. Trust me, I won't hold her back or encourage her toward 'The Dark Side'. The absolute last thing I want is a twenty-five year old newly minted lesbian girlfriend.
Oy. Jesus, help us all.
We can ignore the monster age difference and simply focus on 'newly minted' to see how it's ultimately going to end. I'm a late career lesbian who's had enough of of the lesbian subculture and all it's fucked up bullshit, but she'd just be starting the adventure. Before I kicked her ass to the curb, I'd get splashed with a substantial dose of baby-dyke drama and I'm far, far too old and tired to deal with all that.
Some may wonder why I even ponder this thing with 25. Why am I will to wade through her confusion? Hmm... Because she's young and I'm attracted to her. Plus it's fun to push her (emotional) buttons and see how far she's willing to go. So sue me. I'm still trying to kill the O-fer. I've got eight days and she doesn't read my blog. I might still have a chance.
Sexual confusion is a tough one. I can't say I was ever too confused about it. That's not to say that I was born waiving a rainbow flag because the thought that I might be gay never occurred to me until shortly before I officially came out. I hemmed and hawed a little, but when I thought deeply about it, I knew who I was. That was all it took. I knew my family and friends would be cool, so it wasn't a potentially life changing decision for me. I came out. Life went on.
I'm mostly but not exclusively speaking about 25. Let me explain that short hand. The women in my life have code names. A friend and I started it a few years back. It's to protect the innocent and, given the speed at which women come and go in my life, my friend didn't want to burden herself with the real names of women she'd probably never meet. We've had 31, San Antonio, Foreman who became DG (for Dumb Girl) by the end, ITGirl who became ITG for shorter hand, and Christmas. 25 is simply the latest in a long line of potential (and ultimately failed) dating relationships. Oh, it doesn't make me sad. None were expected to be anything more than a blip on the radar. I'm not going to waste my time crying over something so insignificant.
25 will go the same way. If it goes anywhere at all. I remember being her. Of course, I quickly knew what I was all about and made the decision. I don't think she will be that lucky. Small town girls never are. For them, the decision is cataclysmic and life altering. Besides she's young and has a forty-year old full grown and confident lesbian as her first real attraction. I am absolutely positive I'd have run the other way when I was in her shoes. Scary doesn't begin to describe what she imagines she's facing.
If she had asked me for advice before all this began, I'd have recommend a much safer route - crushing on straight women. That's what I did (Hell, it's what I still do. Who am I kidding?). I was free to crush and figure a few things out and she was free to ignore it. It worked perfectly for all involved. A year or so later, I crushed on my first real live lesbian and immediately came out. Easy as P-I-E.
Unfortunately, 25 has chosen a much more difficult path, one that runs straight to me and through me. She's confused and I don't blame her. This, of course, doesn't mean I'm going to stick around an indeterminate amount of time while she ponders her options. I have patience, but not in this case. She has my number and knows where I work. She can find me when and if she wants to find me.
If that sounds unfeeling to anyone, I invite them to suck it. I've dealt with this kind of thing numerous times. Remember, I like to crush on straight women, many of whom aren't as straight as they originally hoped they were. Never underestimate the impact a crushing lesbian can have on a 'straight' woman's sexuality. In my experience, they tend to become a weensy bit more fluid. For about eight seconds. Welcome to The Rodeo.
25 will likely follow the same path. She'll eventually waiver, call me, succumb to momentary weakness, and quickly retreat to the safety of normal before any life changing announcements can be made. I plan to give her the space to figure all that out. Trust me, I won't hold her back or encourage her toward 'The Dark Side'. The absolute last thing I want is a twenty-five year old newly minted lesbian girlfriend.
Oy. Jesus, help us all.
We can ignore the monster age difference and simply focus on 'newly minted' to see how it's ultimately going to end. I'm a late career lesbian who's had enough of of the lesbian subculture and all it's fucked up bullshit, but she'd just be starting the adventure. Before I kicked her ass to the curb, I'd get splashed with a substantial dose of baby-dyke drama and I'm far, far too old and tired to deal with all that.
Some may wonder why I even ponder this thing with 25. Why am I will to wade through her confusion? Hmm... Because she's young and I'm attracted to her. Plus it's fun to push her (emotional) buttons and see how far she's willing to go. So sue me. I'm still trying to kill the O-fer. I've got eight days and she doesn't read my blog. I might still have a chance.
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