Notes from the Red Bird House

'Let us not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless when facing them.' ~ Rabindranath Tagore Whatever. My entire life is based upon avoiding danger and thus the necessity for fearlessness. I talk a pretty good game. I may seem fearless, but only when I am armed, when I feel safe, and when there is no absolutely danger. I structure my environment so that I never have to do anything I fear. Pretty cool, eh? Screw praying for fearlessness. I'm all about sheltering myself from danger. As luck would have it, I'm able to easily cut a lot of things out of my daily life that scare the shit out of me - snakes, sharks, falls from great heights (though recently I decided I want to repel out of a helicopter), suffocation, drowning, social situations, fiction writing, rejection, and ineptitude, just to name a few. This is largely why I don't swim, play pool, play golf, rock climb, walk through reptile houses, attend large gatherings, submit my stuff for publica...

I really thought I was going to get in trouble a few weeks ago when I wrote about 'Hocus Pocus' Jesus. Thankfully, I didn't. I'm not sure why that is. I suspect it has more to do with people rolling their eyes and muttering, 'here she goes again' than their acceptance of my theories and my spirituality. I don't care either way, honestly. I'm not here to change minds  (though I do like to open them) and I don't feel like I have anything to prove. As a friend of mine said recently, 'it's a free feeling'. I believe what I believe. I will witness, but I will not defend nor will I force my will. This is who I am, who I am called to be, and, above all, what I am called to do. So no, I won't apologize or ask forgiveness when I speak colorfully about Hocus Pocus Jesus or wax poetic about the 'pixie dust' Christianity uses to transform heathens into believers. I mean after all I eat my bagels and baked potatoes plain. Maybe I should ...

I'm in an unusually bitchy mood today. I know it's odd for me. Generally speaking, I'm happy or close enough that I can fake it. I can manage a smile, a laugh, and a few fun comments. Not today. I don't feel like smiling or laughing or saying anything fun. I am pissy and I'm not going to apologize for it. I expect I'll be better tomorrow, but for right now I'm in no mood to overcome. I'm tired, sore, fat, homesick, and broke. I have absolutely no motivation to be nice or even civil. I know it's shocking, but you're just going to have to deal. The worst part about my bitchy mood is trying to shield others from my wrath. I spent eight hours at work trying not to complain, yatch, and/or go off on anyone. I succeeded fairly well, I think. I'm sure the friends I usually text throughout the day can tell I'm in a crappy mood. I've been quieter than usual. I'm not into conversation and I fear my normal sarcasm might have a bit of an edg...

When I learned that a friend's daughter was having some 'issues' with her liver, I made a quick no-brainer decision. If she needs it (and if we are a match, of course), she can have part of mine. I'm an organ donor, or so it says on my drivers' license. I'm a big believer in giving away what you have that you no longer need or want, especially if someone needs or wants it more than you do. I've given away clothes, furniture, and money over the years. I live by the creed 'what's mine is yours' and I walk my talk as best I can. So when I heard about my friend's daughter, the decision was easy. I know it's not an old sweatshirt or a couch or $100, but I don't need my whole liver (they say they grow back, kind of like a lizard's tail) and she might could really use it. My liver's a good one, slightly worn and a bit finicky at times, but she'll get the job done. The poor girl in need is barely twenty-one. She hasn't even ...

It seems that dreams are afoot. I heard about two potential opportunities yesterday. Both are dreams. One is toward home; the other toward a beach. For a moment, I wondered what God was up to. I want both, yet that is impossible. They are mutually exclusive. Home isn't near the beach and the beach isn't near home. Could it be possible that one day soon I could have to choose between two dreams? Could I be that lucky and that unlucky all at the same time? I'm thankful for the opportunity, for the dream, for the wish come true, but I curse the choice. Thank you for the test, God. Next time I'll watch what I wish for. Home... I've wanted to go home since the day I got to Austin, one year ago yesterday. I've said it many times - It's not awful here; it's just not home. I've given it a chance, stayed positive (except for a really rough bout with the Blue Meanies back in February), and made friends. I know if I gave it time, I'd like it fine here. I ...

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about why certain women didn't like me. Why did so-and-so break up with me? Why didn't so-and-so ask me out? Why did so-and-so not want to go out with me? Why did so-and-so not even respond when I asked her out? These questions and many more plagued me and threatened to tear apart my self-esteem. Then one day I came to a very sane and self-esteem saving conclusion - They are dumb. DUMB. And who wants to date a dumb girl anyway? Imagine trying to recover from a series of month-long 'non-relationships'. What could be worse than someone digging you, you digging them back, and them telling you it's just not working a few short weeks later? Add to that their usual reasoning - They aren't ready for a relationship. Which of course becomes utter bullshit a week later when they announce that they are in a relationship...with someone else. It's crap and it hurts. Especially when the new girlfriend is a complete fuck-nut. But su...

Saturday mornings are usually my favorite time of the week. I like to get up early-ish. And by that I mean early enough to enjoy the morning - have coffee, eat breakfast, write a little, and maybe go for a walk or to the gym before the day really gets going. I love to look out on the horizon and see the weekend stretch out before me, full of possibilities and absolutely no work. This Saturday morning, however, things didn't go as planned. It's now well past 11:30 and I am content to lay in the quiet, near darkness of my bedroom. I woke up (the first time) at 6:30. Early-ish, yes, but I was in no mood to enjoy the morning. My head pounded, my vision was blurry, even with my glasses, and my stomach was doing wing-wings. Ah, the distinctive smell of liver failure in the morning. I drove home as planned before 7:00 because I had to take my rooommate to work. I didn't end up fulfilling my end of that deal. I gave her the keys to my truck and crawled back into bed. I think I mu...

I'm not sure that I can sustain a thought longer than a sentence or two after the week I've had. Therefore, as luck would have it, my current mindset is ready-made for a Top Ten list. So, heeeeere we go... In the order my brain chose to spit them out... 1. There is only one way to stop being un-fit. Paying for a gym membership every month (and never going) is not the way. Neither is drinking precipitous amounts of sweet tea and vodka while sitting on your ass pretending to write. 2. When you've spent the last month putting in hours of overtime every day, getting off work (only) a half hour late will make you feel like you've worked a half day. 3. 'I love you' can easily be taken out of context. 4. The more finely tuned your sarcasm, the more sincere it seems. Especially when speaking to your boss. 5. Being surrounded by stupidity and ill-conceived logic will make you wish you were dumb so that everything would make more sense. 6. When you replace one...