(Prudently) fearless

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I have the word "FEARLESS" tattooed on my arm. It's new. Just got it a couple days ago. Does it change me? Change who I am? Make me more FEARLESS? It probably should. After all, it's nice reminder to tell fear to f*** off. Take this, fear. You don't scare me, Fear. That kind of thing. And yet... I feel exactly the same as I did Wednesday morning before I sat looking at the Stratosphere out a round bubble of a window at a makeshift artists' studio/tattoo shop for nearly an hour while a needle and ink made the word a permanent part of me.

The Strat... Wikipedia says it's the highest observation tower in the U.S. and the home of some of the highest thrill rides in the world. Interesting thing life. It truly takes you in circles. Last weekend a friend came to town and casually said that we should do the rides at the Stratosphere. Look, I nearly accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior on the Big Apple Coaster at New York, New York this summer. Compared to the craziness on the top of the Strat, it's tame, Disney-esque. I didn't ask which ride(s) she wanted to do. All start nearly 1000 feet up. One, aptly called Insanity, dangles riders over the side and spins in circles...at 40 mph. Another, the Big Shot, generates 4Gs as it rapidly ascends from 921' to 1081' and is the second highest thrill ride in the world. The X-Scream is a 68' track that see-saws an open car back and forth, with the farthest forward movement extending riders 27' over the edge of the building 866' up. The last offering, the Sky Jump, allows participants to essentially bungee jump off the side of the building where they then plummet 855' on a "high-speed descent wire." Needless to say, we (Ok, I) opted for the safety of the High Roller and the Thunder Down Under.

I can talk a good game about being fearless. I travel alone, push my body's limits in long distance running. I'm an introvert with occasional recurring agoraphobia-lite working a high intensity retail job. I started bouldering to fight my fear of heights (An ill-fated attempt, I'll admit). I form deep friendships. I love (Ok, sort of. Most of it is completely unrequited and thus safe....a topic we probably should revisit at some point).

Things I don't do (i.e. Stuff I'm afraid of...) -

  • Heights
  • Falling
  • Snakes
  • Slimy lake bottoms
  • Sharks
  • Depths
  • Cooked carrots
  • Small spaces
  • Tickling
  • Relationships (See paragraph above)
  • Weight gain
  • Anxiety
  • Seaweed
  • Guns
  • Kombucha 
  • Slugs
  • Needles
  • Wild Boar
  • Pain
  • Crowds
  • Earthquakes
  • Drowning
  • Ax Murderers
Given that list, I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm not exactly as FEARLESS as my body art might lead one to believe. Still, I aspire. I aspire to be FEARLESS. I aspire to live up to my tattoo. And really, it's supposed to be a reminder, not a statement of fact. In that vein, will I be tackling the list one by one? Hell no. I have ZERO desire to overcome my fear of snakes or sharks or small spaces.  Wild boar, ax murders, falling un-checked from a great height? All good things to avoid. I can stay away from crowds and slimy lake bottoms, cooked carrots also.

Let's just say that I'm circumspect, cautious. I calculate risks. I'm not going to invite danger. That snake behind the glass at the zoo? Relatively safe. I'll zip by with my eyes averted. That python in the wilds of Brazil? Hell no. That transatlantic flight? Sure. Bungee jumping off the Strat? Hell no. Close friends? Definitely. A significant other? Yeah....not so much.  It's all a matter of degrees. I'm fearless when the probability/risk matrix says it's safe enough. A certain amount of fear is a good thing. It exists to make us vigilant, prudent even; it leads to better decision making and it keeps us alive. 

I suppose it's time I came clean - full disclosure, so to speak. The word tattooed on my arm?It's fearless - all lower case. No caps, not even capital F to get it started. Nope. fearless. The artist who created my tattoo nailed it, nailed me. She peered into my often chaotic and confusing depths and drew exactly what she saw - A soul who tries, a soul who wants more than ever to be fearless. Just prudently so. 

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