Lost 'n Found
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I wished for some found time. A few moments or a few hours of unexpectedly free and thus un-planned time; time when literally anything could happen, including something utterly out of the ordinary. I recall being tired this morning, mostly, though, I think I was simply tired of "it" or over "it." Chose your preferred terminology. "It" could have been anything or everything - my over-planned and over-controlled life, workouts, work in general, the marked absence of money in my checking account, my overall damning idleness, my out of control hair. Regardless, I wanted none of it. I wanted a day (or even a couple hours) to just be and do absolutely nothing I was supposed to do.
At 5AM, I'd reset my alarm and skipped my morning workout. I'd showered but skipped washing my hair. I was scheduled to work in Garden which always requires super-human effort to well-up even a modest amount of motivation. This was a day I just wasn't into, a day that could go away for all I cared. This was a day that would take an after work workout to reclaim a modicum of my sanity. In an effort to overcome, I made my favorite coffee and chose my favorite protein bar for breakfast. To no avail. I packed my lunch, drove to work, and shuffled my way to the time clock never rising above, never feeling one iota over meh.
As I do nearly every morning I'm scheduled in Garden, I sought out the opening manager to check in and see what coverage looked like for the day. He immediately said, "Becky (that's our out-going Operations Manager who maintains a stranglehold on the numbers) told me you have 45 minutes of overtime to cut today--" I quickly acknowledged that yes I knew and that yes I would be overjoyed to cut it. Because f*** balls - this I didn't tell him - the thought of leaving early was about the only thing bringing me any kind of happiness in that moment. Then he added, "...but you can cut more if you want." Wha???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "We're cutting hours?????" I asked. It's nearly unheard of these days at The Big Orange Box. My last store NEVER cut. Yep, he confirmed, we're over hours and even though it's a weekend we need to end the week on hours. As a former HR associate, I get it. We schedule a certain number of hours based of a prediction of sales and then we have to hold to it (Retail Operational Theory 101). At some point this week, the wheels came off and in that very moment I saw something beautiful laid out before me, almost a dream come true. Mr. Opening Manager was about to bless me with some found time. After a very short debate (He probably would have let me clock out and leave right then), we settled on a half day.
In that moment, the day swelled with possibility. I could...I could...I could... Remember what I said about found time? It's free time, un-planned time, time to do something out of the ordinary. Keep that in mind when reading the next sentence. The only thing - the absolute ONLY thing - that came to mind when I considered the vast horizon of my half day........? I can get in the workout I skipped. Seriously. That's it. My next thoughts quickly planned the day (Obvi, it's what I do best in the world. When not procrastinating). Go see Dad on what would be my lunch break at noon; go home and let my dog out (Yay! She won't have to go all day without pottying); be done working out by 2ish (I'm not making this up); do that load of laundry begging to be done; YES! Look, at some point I did realize the stupidity of my thought process, but it never slowed me down. My thoughts continued. In the couple hours I'll have before dinner, I can read the stuff I've been avoiding. I might even be able to finish the September issue of Nat Geo I'd been slogging through (because of my inability to focus, not because of content) or maybe I could read that library book I'd just had to renew (because I never focused enough to actually read it before the original due date).
In my defense, I'm broke - like seriously broke - so it's not like I had a bunch of cash laying around to blow on a fun found day. No shopping, no gambling, no yard long daiquiri on the Strip (I don't drink so...), no eating out. Further in my defense, I cooked dinner, something I wouldn't have done if I'd worked an entire day. So I just baked a couple chicken breasts rather than dumping my usual can of chicken into some noodles and calling it "dinner." I turned on more than one function on an appliance. I'll call that a win.
What else did I do with my found time? This. I'm blogging. I didn't choose to write some unrequited piece of fiction or re-read the un-finished novel I've promised myself I'll finish before the end of the year. Nope. I blogged. Like I always do when I know I need to write but I lack the courage to actually write anything real.
Alright......I'll stop beating myself up. I could have slept the afternoon away, not worked out, and/or continued my "Grey's Anatomy" binge (that I started WEEKS ago after I finished my "Downton Abbey" binge. Hey, fifteen seasons take a minute). That has to be worth something, doesn't it? Full disclosure - I didn't get the laundry done. Apparently Sunday afternoons are a popular time in my apartment complex's laundry room.
Nonetheless, my day managed to rise above "meh." I wasn't at work and got to spend the last half of my day the way I wanted to. Sort of. I question the "want" in all of it. I suppose on some level it's how I wanted to spend my day. The workout assuaged the guilt I would have had to endure over sleeping in this morning. The writing, even if it was just this blog, is at least writing. At some point, I'd love to relinquish the control I seem to need to exercise over my life and be able to do something more traditionally fun with a found half day. Maybe next time...
At 5AM, I'd reset my alarm and skipped my morning workout. I'd showered but skipped washing my hair. I was scheduled to work in Garden which always requires super-human effort to well-up even a modest amount of motivation. This was a day I just wasn't into, a day that could go away for all I cared. This was a day that would take an after work workout to reclaim a modicum of my sanity. In an effort to overcome, I made my favorite coffee and chose my favorite protein bar for breakfast. To no avail. I packed my lunch, drove to work, and shuffled my way to the time clock never rising above, never feeling one iota over meh.
As I do nearly every morning I'm scheduled in Garden, I sought out the opening manager to check in and see what coverage looked like for the day. He immediately said, "Becky (that's our out-going Operations Manager who maintains a stranglehold on the numbers) told me you have 45 minutes of overtime to cut today--" I quickly acknowledged that yes I knew and that yes I would be overjoyed to cut it. Because f*** balls - this I didn't tell him - the thought of leaving early was about the only thing bringing me any kind of happiness in that moment. Then he added, "...but you can cut more if you want." Wha???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "We're cutting hours?????" I asked. It's nearly unheard of these days at The Big Orange Box. My last store NEVER cut. Yep, he confirmed, we're over hours and even though it's a weekend we need to end the week on hours. As a former HR associate, I get it. We schedule a certain number of hours based of a prediction of sales and then we have to hold to it (Retail Operational Theory 101). At some point this week, the wheels came off and in that very moment I saw something beautiful laid out before me, almost a dream come true. Mr. Opening Manager was about to bless me with some found time. After a very short debate (He probably would have let me clock out and leave right then), we settled on a half day.
In that moment, the day swelled with possibility. I could...I could...I could... Remember what I said about found time? It's free time, un-planned time, time to do something out of the ordinary. Keep that in mind when reading the next sentence. The only thing - the absolute ONLY thing - that came to mind when I considered the vast horizon of my half day........? I can get in the workout I skipped. Seriously. That's it. My next thoughts quickly planned the day (Obvi, it's what I do best in the world. When not procrastinating). Go see Dad on what would be my lunch break at noon; go home and let my dog out (Yay! She won't have to go all day without pottying); be done working out by 2ish (I'm not making this up); do that load of laundry begging to be done; YES! Look, at some point I did realize the stupidity of my thought process, but it never slowed me down. My thoughts continued. In the couple hours I'll have before dinner, I can read the stuff I've been avoiding. I might even be able to finish the September issue of Nat Geo I'd been slogging through (because of my inability to focus, not because of content) or maybe I could read that library book I'd just had to renew (because I never focused enough to actually read it before the original due date).
In my defense, I'm broke - like seriously broke - so it's not like I had a bunch of cash laying around to blow on a fun found day. No shopping, no gambling, no yard long daiquiri on the Strip (I don't drink so...), no eating out. Further in my defense, I cooked dinner, something I wouldn't have done if I'd worked an entire day. So I just baked a couple chicken breasts rather than dumping my usual can of chicken into some noodles and calling it "dinner." I turned on more than one function on an appliance. I'll call that a win.
What else did I do with my found time? This. I'm blogging. I didn't choose to write some unrequited piece of fiction or re-read the un-finished novel I've promised myself I'll finish before the end of the year. Nope. I blogged. Like I always do when I know I need to write but I lack the courage to actually write anything real.
Alright......I'll stop beating myself up. I could have slept the afternoon away, not worked out, and/or continued my "Grey's Anatomy" binge (that I started WEEKS ago after I finished my "Downton Abbey" binge. Hey, fifteen seasons take a minute). That has to be worth something, doesn't it? Full disclosure - I didn't get the laundry done. Apparently Sunday afternoons are a popular time in my apartment complex's laundry room.
Nonetheless, my day managed to rise above "meh." I wasn't at work and got to spend the last half of my day the way I wanted to. Sort of. I question the "want" in all of it. I suppose on some level it's how I wanted to spend my day. The workout assuaged the guilt I would have had to endure over sleeping in this morning. The writing, even if it was just this blog, is at least writing. At some point, I'd love to relinquish the control I seem to need to exercise over my life and be able to do something more traditionally fun with a found half day. Maybe next time...
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