The Art and Science of the Socially Successful Introvert

Let's get some basic record keeping items out of the way before I really get going. Because once I'm flying, I won't want to slow down to explain a few facts about myself integral to the discussion.

1. About ten weeks ago, I moved to Las Vegas, Nevada, where I knew a sum total of two people (four if you count my niece and nephew I'd only met once each in our respective adulthoods).
2. I'm an introvert. Let's not belabor this one with uninformed denials from readers who have witnessed me in social situations. I'm introverted, not on "the Spectrum." I can make eye contact and speak comfortably to strangers and friends alike. I seem too extroverted to be introverted? What? Because I don't visibly shy away from social interactions? You might want to hit up Google and get some info about what being an introvert really means. Anywho...Moving on...

I'm going to recount a couple conversations I've had recently. And by "conversations," I mean via text and social media. For me the "good stuff" happens far from face-to-face these days. I don't know people here well enough to have moved beyond small talk. No one knows my history which is both good and bad. And I don't know theirs, which is mostly good from my perspective. I'm too new here and too introverted (reference record keeping points above) to have entered too far into the breach. Friendship - meaning beyond simply being "friendly" - usually takes awhile for me. I'm good at small talk; I just happen to abhor it. All that said, it's generally bouts upon bouts of friendly small talk that leads individuals toward actual friendship, and I haven't quite made it that far with anyone yet. 

This morning my mother asked about my social life. The quick answer - I don't have one. The essay answer? That involves excuses and rationalizations, like I've been working overnight shifts for the past month and I'm too broke.....but in reality there is only one reason why I don't have a social life - I simply don't have the energy for one right now. A social life at this point would involve exclusively small talk. I'm not ready to divulge my history and I really, really, really don't have the patience for anyone else's, especially if it comes with any kind of drama. I fully understand the costs; I live it everyday. I sorely crave social interaction, intermittent and at moments of my choosing, but any and all (except those with old friends via text or social media) suck the life out of me. I've lived this before, and while I might be a bit lonely at times, desperation isn't a reason to make friends. Or find a significant other. Made those mistakes the last move and I refuse to again. True friendship takes time and it'll come.

Here's why. I told a friend via social media last night that I'm a "Fifty Yard Fake-Out." The guys I've worked with over the years use this term a bit differently - It's a woman who looks good from a distance, but whose beauty fades the closer you get to her. I'm a social fake-out. I seem extroverted. I'm confident, open, intelligent, humorous, and a good conversationalist. I've seldom met a stranger and have a unique ability to find common ground with literally everyone I speak to. People who meet me tend to think I'm a pretty cool person. Occasionally one of those people think I'm cool enough to date. I've been called "Everything" and "Mary Poppins" (practically perfect in every way). I've been placed on more pedestals than I care to count. I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn;" rather I'm simply stating a very dangerous fact. Look, I'm not perfect, far, far, far from it. I present well. I'm a nice person. I can be fun. Until I'm not. Until I get introverted. Until I go silent. Until I shy away from conversation, touch, and human contact in all its forms. In other words, fifty yard fake-out. I could extrovert myself, put myself out there - way out there - attract some friends, maybe a sig O, but then what......? In a few weeks, I tire of all of it, go into a sort of hibernation, and they find out I'm really not as cool as they thought? Happens all the time. The friends who endure my introverted "antics" often become good friends, but it does require some endurance on their part. Usually other introverts get it (and me) quicker than extroverts. Speaking of which...

A couple weeks ago, a newish friend in Austin, who is as introverted as I am, asked rhetorically (but you know I couldn't let a question go unanswered) what kind of friendship we might have created given that we are both so introverted. Like wouldn't we both prefer just to be alone if given the chance? It's true on some level, but I'll tell you some of my best friends in this world are introverts. Moreover, many of the people I've met and INSTANTLY become friends with have been introverted. Why? Because we get each other completely. We understand plans that get cancelled at the last minute because one of us "just can't" and there's absolutely no reason to lie. We understand long silences and they are never awkward or worrisome. We understand that parties are a no-go and dyads work best. We understand conversations that dive down rabbit holes and those that get caught up in the weeds of useless overthinking. On that note, we get that we are going to overthink - A lot. A lot a lot - and it's not a character flaw. So yes, I think my friend back in Austin and I could have become awesome friends. And if I'm being honest, she (well, someone similar to her) is exactly what I am looking for here in Las Vegas. 

Don't get me wrong. I like a good extrovert. At times. In small doses. Because even though they can drain the life right out of me - God in Heaven can they -  they are great to attend parties and other large gatherings with. They suck all the attention and energy out of the room, something ideal for an introvert who just wants to find a dog or a chair in the corner and fade from notice. Extroverts make excellent "safe people" - those I can rely on to take the brunt of the social situation. Of course when they run off with a bunch of other extroverts that benefit diminishes greatly. This is why always drive myself. Well, that and, regardless who I'm with or where I am, I tend to tire of people far earlier than most and desire an escape hatch. 

There is indeed a science to being socially successful introvert. Starting from scratch in a new place, though.... It's challenging and can be lonely. It's not like I'm going to join a Meet Up group or sit down at a bar and strike up a conversation with a group of strangers (Did I mention I also don't really drink? And I'm broke?). I know from experience that I'll have to wait it out. Introverts rarely approach introverts and God knows there isn't an introvert support group (Introverts don't do groups. Duh). Regardless of all that, we do find each other. Eventually. And often in the most surprising places. 

So, I'll endure and wait for that. Wait for friends. People who truly get me. People that won't be faked out by the reality of me. Because there is a reality, a bottom line. You know,  I hate dichotomies  - introverted vs extroverted - and there are far more nuances that I've let on in the few sparse paragraphs above, but I also can't argue with the truth (Believe me, I've certainly over-thought it plenty). I am who I am and it's unlikely that this part of me will change any time soon. No matter how extroverted I might seem at times, I'm an introvert complete with all the concomitant costs, benefits, and assorted bullshit. Oh, and no social life. At all. Period. At least for now.