Trying
I'm trying. I am. I promise. It's about all I can do. Try. Try. Try. I can't hardly write or think or focus or do much of anything else. I take it as a good sign that I am making myself eat. So, I try and once or twice a day I eat. Occasionally I reach out to friends, but in all honesty I think I've worn out my welcome on that deal. I am my own pet peeve. I'm whining and doing little to change anything. It's probably best that I do this on my own before I piss off everyone I know.
It really kinda sucks this doing it on my own. Trying is hard enough. Doing it alone seems next to impossible. I'm just not sure what to do. What exactly am I trying to do? If I break it down to the most basic, I'm trying to keep myself alive. Trying to think about life. Trying not to think about death. Trying to stay positive and stay likable. Trying not to cry and not to drink too much. Trying to fake it so no one knows how much pain I'm really in.
I wish I knew what to do for myself, how to make myself better. Unfortunately, all I have is the trying. It's all I can do, all I have the energy for. I half think about checking myself in somewhere to just get a break. And maybe some drugs that will make the trying easier. That seems the pussy way out, though. I should be strong enough to make it through on my own; I always have been in the past. In my defense, this is the worst it's ever been and the weakest I've ever felt.
That said, I am lost. I don't know what to do or where to find strength. I feel alone, totally and completely alone. But I'm trying. I am. I promise. I just don't think it's doing any good. And I'm getting very, very tired. I don't know what will happen when I can't try anymore, when I have nothing left to give and no tears left to cry. What then? What then?
It really kinda sucks this doing it on my own. Trying is hard enough. Doing it alone seems next to impossible. I'm just not sure what to do. What exactly am I trying to do? If I break it down to the most basic, I'm trying to keep myself alive. Trying to think about life. Trying not to think about death. Trying to stay positive and stay likable. Trying not to cry and not to drink too much. Trying to fake it so no one knows how much pain I'm really in.
I wish I knew what to do for myself, how to make myself better. Unfortunately, all I have is the trying. It's all I can do, all I have the energy for. I half think about checking myself in somewhere to just get a break. And maybe some drugs that will make the trying easier. That seems the pussy way out, though. I should be strong enough to make it through on my own; I always have been in the past. In my defense, this is the worst it's ever been and the weakest I've ever felt.
That said, I am lost. I don't know what to do or where to find strength. I feel alone, totally and completely alone. But I'm trying. I am. I promise. I just don't think it's doing any good. And I'm getting very, very tired. I don't know what will happen when I can't try anymore, when I have nothing left to give and no tears left to cry. What then? What then?
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