The Skittering

-
I'm going to be forty-one way too soon. I have a migraine, probably from the new anti-everything meds I'm taking, and I feel like life has somehow skittered away from me. I can't say that the skittering is a new thing. It's not. I've known awhile. I just never acknowledged it. Or maybe I just ignored it, pretended it wasn't happening. I'm almost forty-one. I know I said that only a moment ago. But I'm almost forty-one. And there's so much I shoulda, coulda done. I'm not sure why I didn't. Ok, that's not entirely true. I have a long history of laziness and I never seem to have a clear direction. Basically, I meander. I go from this to that and from here to there. I have no point or purpose. I have things I want to accomplish, but they tend to take effort and it's so much easier to float.

Of course, then I end up here, almost forty-one and wondering where the last fifteen or so years went. I wonder about my choices and my non-choices. I wonder about how life could have been and why it isn't. Why I chose this and didn't choose that. Why I am here and not there. I feel like I've missed out on so much and I wonder if it's too late. Forty-one isn't old, but it isn't young either. There are things I can't do and things I'll probably never get to do. Unless they repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" quickly, I'll never get to serve in the military. If I don't find a partner soon, I'll never have a wife and children. If that's what I want. Because I'm just not sure. I should go back to school, shouldn't I? Find a real career? I want to learn to surf and play hockey. I want to hike the Camino and live on the beach in Mexico.

Time is ticking and I should probably decide what I really want out of life. Direction. I need direction. Or maybe it's purpose. Either way, I don't have it. And it's not going to happen today. I have this migraine and I'm taking these new drugs and it's all I can do to stay awake. Unfortunately tomorrow I'll be one day closer to forty-one and one day farther from life. See, life doesn't stop for my headache or my sleepiness or my lack of direction and purpose. It just keeps going and going, skittering further and further away from me. I'm not sure what the answer is, if there even is one. For now, I think I'll take a nap and see how I feel in a few hours. Probably the same, but you never know.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i
Read more

A Little Unsteady

-
"Hold onto me...cuz I'm a little unsteady..." It's the first song that popped up on Pandora tonight. Kismet? Serendipity? I don't know. I had another opening line all picked out (and I'm sure I'll get to it in a bit), but sometimes...sometimes the Universe has other plans. Other ideas. Other directions. And often it's right. Absolutely, perfect right. Like tonight...today...all of it... I was unsteady. I am unsteady. For the first time nearly five years. Five years . This, of course, isn't a lying, narcissistic girlfriend or a bad break up of any kind. And for that I am thankful (Not that I couldn't use a nifty stint on the Break Up Diet). In many ways, it's something worse. Much, much worse. I'm being pulled in two directions, veritably (though not literally...physically speaking anyway) torn in two. It's not news that I'm moving to Las Vegas next month. In fact, I leave one month from today with the first load of my life.
Read more