Heights

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When I was little my mom used to hold onto the back of my shirt whenever I seemed to get too close to the edge of something. She was afraid of heights and this was her motherly way of protecting me. I guess she figured that if gravity tried sweeping me away, she'd be able to pull me back to safety.

Lately I've felt someone else holding onto the back of my shirt. I'm pretty sure it's God and I'm pretty sure He knows I'm perilously close to the edge. I'm feeling a lot of gravity these days and if not for the hand on the back of my shirt, I might have already been swept away.

God knows this about me; about my historic desire to not be here anymore. He gets it and for some reason insists that I stick around. That used to be good enough. My 'life force' as some called it. I'm here to tell you that's it's not what it used to be. And one day soon, it's not going to be enough.

I asked God for more tonight. More than me. Something to live for, something more than me. Because this isn't working very well. I'm tired and gravity is too strong. It's nearly overpowering and I want desperately to give in. deep inside I guess I want to live. That's why I asked. And I never ask. I generally don't believe in asking God for anything. He knows what I want and what I have; He probably even knows better me in most cases. Somehow today it felt important enough to ask. Necessary even.

I want something in this world to live for, something to keep me alive, other than God's hand holding onto the back of my shirt. I want to live because I want to live, not because God insists upon it. I need something outside myself because I'm not enough anymore. Not even close, actually. It's truly day-to-day, worse than it's ever been. One day, as strong as God is, He won't be strong enough to stop me. I will cease to be. And funny, that's the only thing that made me truly smile today.

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